Bipolar in the family Support Group

My husband is bipolar and obsessive compulsive. He has become more irrational recently. He demands I "stand behind him" on irrational issues. He wants me to go against my son, daughter and parents. He behaves like it is a war. What are these issues..No matter how clean we clean it is not good enough for him, the cars need to be washed in a certain place in the driveway, certain towels cannot be used and so on.

He accuses me of lying, of taking sides of talking about him. He calls my son names and now he calls my parents names. I am beginning to hate him. We are trying therapy for the third time. Therapy seems to make him worse when he explodes. He ignores me for days on end, sleeps in other rooms for as short as 4 days to as long as 13 days. Then he does not understand why I take it personally. He says it does not matter if he ignores me as I have my children and parents to talk to. I try to explain that I would like to talk to him but he does not understand that speaking with a husband is different than speaking with children or parents.

He is not taking his medications. He thinks his violent anger behavior is normal. He is always ready to beat someone up.I told him I need a divorce and he threatens to take the house, knowing that I have my children and my parents here and it would be difficult for us. I am just venting. I wish I could call my therapist but it is a free service so there are limitations. He makes every day off I have miserable. He is sick I know, and I am trying to deal with him. The distrust and and paranoia are getting too much to handle for me. thanks for listening.

Post edited by: wifeinneed, at: 05/24/2009 07:43 AM

Yes, what is with the paranoia? I try to calmly explain that somtimes I am on his side, and sometimes nobodies side (because there are really no sides to be had), but my husband will still act as though I betrayed him.

Depending on the situation, sometimes I will sit back and let him vent (about that jerk who cut him off who apparently woke up that morning with the sole purpose of cutting him off), or sometimes I will point out what part of his reasoning is ludicrous. Though of course that last part will sometimes end up in a fight.

When my husband starts the whole ignoring thing, I usually just leave. Of course later I get the whole, "why did u abandon me thing.", but he learns not to ignore me because I have places to go where people will not treat me that way.

Like I said, this is just a few things I do, it doesn't always work (and may not for you), but I am always trying to adjust my tactics

Post edited by: xenite, at: 05/25/2009 06:19 PM

I try and do my own things on my days off. But sometimes it feels so lonely and sad to be on my own time after time. It does not seem to effect him at all, he is usually asleep anyway. He sleeps when I am awake and then complains we do not do anything together. And when are dogs bark he thinks it is a personal disrespect to him, so he comes into the house yelling at the dogs. The yelling is actually louder than the barking.

Actually the ignoring and the paranoia have become the dominate part of our relationship. Maybe one day inbetween without such behavior.

Oh yes I know what you mean about pointing out the ludicrous part of the conversation. He complains that my children, his stepchildren should grow up and get over his yelling from the past,and inthe next sentence he says how hard it is to get over his past. He has his own rules and it is always okay for him to have what he needs but everyone else needs to " shape up" He has low self esteem, he repairs things in the house that are not broken. And if everyone is not eternally grateful he gets upset! I hate myself at times for not seeing these things in him before, love is truly blind. And now at times I could almost hate him too.He makes life so stressful, so negative.I try and remember he has a mental problem but it does not seem to make me feel better anymore.

The last argument was because my son washed the car and left soap film onthe driveway. I listened the to driveway story for 45 minutes, spoke to my son as instucted by hubby. OF course he did not believe I spoke to my son and said my son did this to get him by ruining the driveway. I just could not listen the to driveway lecture again when he tried to tellme about the dangers of soap . So he got pissed off.

I am sorry I am rambling again. Maybe I am going crazy too. It is my day off and I am going to go for a long walk.

I found this thing on line,but is is not free and it is supposed to be a book written by a man with a bipolar mother. I am tempted to by it as it says it has ways to diffuse these insane situations. The man who wrote it is David Oliver. Search the name and if you find what I find then let me know what you think.

Hi wifeinneed, I wish I had answers, but all I can offer is empathy and understanding. My BP husband has alienated one of my sons to the point that he refuses to come to our home, and if I go to visit my son, my husband then accuses me of lying about where I am and says I am cheating on him. *sigh* Feels like you just can't win, no matter what. He used to fight with my son, and then insist I agree with him and take his side, when he was being totally unreasonable and unfair. And even if I tried to take a middle ground and say I could understand how they both felt and saw both of their points of view, or if I would just refuse to take sides at all, he would insist that if I didn't agree with him (no matter how unreasonable or bizarre his view might be) then I was against him. My son finally decided he couldn't stand being an excuse or a catalyst for the emotional bruising I was getting, so it was better if he just didn't come around anymore.

I have tried all different sorts of responses, and the only one I've found that has any success is to just totally refuse to engage -- refuse to talk to him, to argue with him, to fight back. Oh, and it's so hard, and I fail to keep my resolve too often -- but I have to keep reminding myself that when he is being totally unreasonable, attempting to reason with him won't work at all. I am interested in the book by David Oliver that you mentioned, and I'm going to look for it. Wishing you the best.

I get the emails from David oliver...he sends out these uplifting messages almost every day and those are free...sometimes they talk about what you are dealing with and sometimes they do not. I have not bought any of his courses but he is a very intelligent person and makes a lot of sense.

Wife-in-need-The whole "personal disrespect" things with regards to your dogs is so funny, because that is exactly what I go through! I think he honestly believes that people (or animals) wake up in the morning and write out detailed plans on how they are going to tick him off. Just last night I had to hear him going on for an hour about how "In-N-Out" put dressing on his burger.

He doesn't believe that he goes overboard in his complaints and asks me for examples. When I give him examples...well then I am just a nagging shrew who can't let go of anything. There really is no way to win.

We had sucha whirlwind courtship and marriage that although there were some hints of what was to come, I truly did not see where these "temper tantrums" were heading. The way a simple disagreement can escalate into a screaming match can be truly terrifying at times.

Miceelf- I also get the cheating thing. When I am online he accuses me of talking to old boyfriends. Sometimes I am tempted to say, Yes..yes we are all in a chatroom and having cybersex. {Sigh}

Sometimes I feel so alone and isolated. At times, he has me believeing the root of all these problems is me. I used to be more spunky able to fight back, but I am not sure if it's the constant attacks or the fact that I am pregnant that leaves me tired and more helpless.

Please do be careful as you are pregnant and if the explosive episodes are anything like in my house , they are intense, almost surreal. I am trying now to not react to the paranoid things. He is worried about my parents burning the house down and I am supposed to tell them never to cook. SO he said if the house burns down he will leave! UMMMPH. where are those matches??

I am home from work and he of course did not feed the dogs. they are now eating and plotting their barking routine just to piss him off. I have such intelligent dogs! My therapist said, and I only have 7 sessions left as they are free from my work, well he said that I should not pay mind to the rantings of my husband, as if he were drunk or retarded I would not pay any mind so why pay mind to insane rantings.

I am kind of confused as on the one hand I think I still care for this man but on the other hand it is so exhausting to have him around. When I came home for instance.. there is not only a house key, there is a key for the bedroom and I know since my dad peed in the bathroom that is not to be used!.. there will soon be a key on that door. Oh my dad peed in there just to get my husband.. another plot.

He actually said to me that his sister uses the F..word too much and that he told her it is not nice.. then two minutes later he started to rant about some guy he works with and I counted 22 F's.So what is up with that? He does not understand what he is even saying or doing. I must be nuts to put up with this. I want to help him but he is pulling everyone else down..I need to not have him control me..I will not react to his rantings. Well, that felt good to get off my chest. The dogs are done plotting now. Good night.

Wonder if he will sleep on the chair , the couch or give me the honor of his body in the bed. Right now I choose the dogs...

Post edited by: wifeinneed, at: 05/29/2009 08:38 PM

omg xenite!!! The fact is, they can control thmselves, if they really want to, and we should be important enough for tham to want to. F THIS!!!! My husband went to the shore with my parents and our kids and behaved perfectly for FOUR DAYS!!!! why not show me the same respect! After we got back, he started in on me and I poured a glass of wine for myself and he started stabbing the wine box with a knife and cut the tip of his finger off practically!!! The focus then shifts solely to him. UGH! If you are pregnant you need to be in a calm environment, no excuses!!! I made my husband leave and stay at his parents and we have five kids. I have no friggin idea how I am going to survive, but I know I COULD NOT survive with him!!!

wifeinneed: my husband moved out of our room a few months ago. At first I was really hurt and upset, but now I find that I like having my own sanctuary, my own place to retreat. You have to do what is best not only for you, but for your kids and your parents, too. I am also seeing a therapist from my employee assistance program, but I got 8 visits, then was able to get 8 visits from my husband's employee assistance program -- and by then, I was eligible for more visits through my own. Or see if you could continue with the same therapist through your medical insurance, just paying a co-pay. My medical insurance doesn't cover long term therapy, but there is a monthly support group for families of bipolar people. And I think NAMI offers something similar in many areas.

ra: I always struggle with that question -- how much of these behaviors does he have control over? What can and can't he help doing? I read on here and realize that many of his behaviors are typical and common among people that are bipolar, but he manages to maintain ok at work, in public, with his friends -- and seems like he saves cutting loose for when he is at home with me, and I get the brunt of the worst of his moods.

Oh I hear you about the dayz off....or like today five minutes after being home,,the fight is on.....hopefully she'll come around..but even if she does it won't last...my wife is taking her med's,,she is always looking for more meds..and says the ones she's on,,never seem to be working,,,,or only for a few peacefull hours a day...with a perfect enviroment of course...

I hear ya!