Bipolar in the family Support Group

Hello,

New here. I've been married to my wife for about 3.5 years now. We had an excellent marriage: loved being with each other, rarely fought and, if we did, always made up. We always planned for the future, kids, careers, being together. We were the couple that others envied.

Then, a little over a year ago, my wife was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She had a few seasons of "acting a little funny" in the past, but nothing like this. She has mixed mode - flying overboard screaming while crying and feeling hopeless. Wanting to spend as much money as possible. Losing total touch with reality. In addition, she had a sudden (very atypical) loss of all her short term memory; literally she would ask you the same question 3 times in a 5 minute period.

The doctor's all told me she'd be in the hospital for a few days, they'd fine the right meds, and she'd be fine. Right. She was in for over two weeks. When she finally got out, she was having adverse reactions to her medication - muscle twitches, extreme stiffness, etc.

Cue seeing 15+ doctors in the next 6 months, in additional to having every test imaginable performed. All the while she has no short term memory, is still rapid cycling, and is completely dysfunctional. Finally, we got her on the right meds that at least get her her memory back, and keep her at least partially stable. She is able to work again, although she still struggles.

We aren't in the clear, however. For the past 6 months, it has been hell. She hates me and tells me she's going to leave me. She constantly berates me, tells me about how I'm trying to control her whenever I try to help. When we're out with our friends, she repeatedly insults me in front of them and tries to make me look as terrible as possible. She says she does it so they'll understand how horrible I am when she leaves me.

Her moods oscillate from simply hating everything about me to completely losing touch with herself. A few weeks ago, she drank a lot of alcohol and drove home completely wasted. I took away her keys and she did everything in her power to hurt me - called everyone she could, insulted me, tried to storm out, she even physically attacked me at one point. Her doctor was only mildly concerned about this - I'm pretty convinced that it's time for yet another doctor.

She's also cheated on me, at least partially. She told me about this at one point, and swore she wouldn't do it again. However, I know she is still talking with a person she's kissed (if not more), although she constantly lies to me about it. I have no idea what happens behind the scenes, and absolutely no way to trust her while she is still lying to me.

So I guess the question on my mind lately has been "Is it worth it?" My wife often tells me that no matter what happens she will always hate me, and even if she is properly treated at some point she'll just leave me. I was quite disappointed upon reading this website, as it is littered with stories of people suffering for 5, 10, 15 or even more years, where each day all they're trying to do is suffer through it. Everyone seems to want the strength to leave.

On the other hand, my wife is cooperating with treatment. She takes her medication, and is seeing her doctor. She also has recently started seeing a psychologist. In addition, we went to see a marriage counselor, but she told us that my wife was still too unstable for that type of counseling. Occasionally I'll see a glimmer of my old wife, and deep down inside she wants to try, but feels hopeless. How could I possibly leave her, knowing that all of this is only a symptom of an illness?

At this point I guess I'm just tired of searching for the light at the end of the tunnel - everybody says it will get better soon. A few weeks turned into months turned into ...? She's been on so many meds, with various adverse effects and limited benefit.

Is it worth it, or am I just holding out for more and more years of suffering, both for her and myself?

Underwater, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Is it worth it? That is the question we all weigh daily. On the good days with my husband, absolutely it is worth it. On the bad days, no way. You can read about my journey so far in my trying to copy thread. It has been aweful, but right now I think the meds are right. But that is not all. Mine has underlying issues that he needs to resolve and I can't help him. That is the thing I have come to understand is that I can't fix him. If he is willing, I can participate, but sometimes he is not. We are not living together currently because he did not treat me as I deserve to be treated. Whether due to the bipolar or other issues, it does not matter, I had to draw a boundary and now it is easier to deal with. I also recommend reading the taking care of yourself thread and live by it.

By the way, so far, it is still worth it.

d

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. There are so many of us here that can personally relate to your story. The hate, lies, delusions, paranoia, the uncertainty of tomorrow - actually, of the next five minutes. I hate to tell you this, but only you can answer the question, "Is it worth it?" I think most of us just take one day at a time, holding on to simple threads of hope, but the ugly question remains in the back of each our minds.

Good luck to you. Remember, we're here, and you're not alone.

Here is the link to Taking Care of Yourself

Post edited by: 600milesaway, at: 04/28/2009 08:32 AM

HI!

I know it doesn't help much, but I can totally relate to a lot of what you are saying. And as said before, we all weigh that question daily and no one can answer the question but you. Have you read any books? I found "Loving someone who is Bipolar" (or something like that) VERY helpful for me individually. It won't tell you the answer to this specific quesiton, but it will help put things into prospective, less "emotionally attached" and look at things for what they are. THEN you can make better decisions and work to maybe helping more effectivly. I know I found a LOT of useful things in it that helped ME deal and help HIM deal and cope.

It's a battle, that's for sure, but you have us to help, guide, support, or listen! Feel free to be yourself on here! We are all here going thru it with you!

Take care of yourself!!! Or you are no good to anyone! I know there ARE success stories with couples dealing with BPD in this very group! It CAN be done! And if you can't? No one on here will judge you, we all understand completely!

Good luck and be well!

It's the same story over and over again. And each time I read it, tears well up in my eyes. You have people here who can FULLY relate, Underwater. We are here for you, and we want you to take care of yourself first so that you can make the hard decsions that you're going to have to now make. But, as everyone else has said, we can't make it for you. The lies, the cheating, the berating, the rollercoaster life... it may never end. Again, we're here for you!

Not worth it today.

aww, deb =( (((hugs)))

I know, I vented on here day before yesterday, feeling that it was so not worth even trying anymore.

This last weekend, I confided in girlfriend who knew things were bad, but didn't know how bad. She was very understanding, listened patiently, and asked me two questions that made me think really hard:

Are you better off with him or without him?

and

If your daughter brought home a man just like him, would he be good enough for your daughter?

Some days I can definitely say I'm better off with him, and he's a wonderful guy -- other days...things aren't so good.

For now, I plan on staying with him, but I'm well aware that he could go manic and storm out of my life; he's threatened to more than once. But I know this -- he is very lucky to have me. I am a good wife, and I put up with a lot more than most women would. If he can be kind and civil and treat me with love and respect, the way a husband should treat his wife -- then great, we will get along fine. If he is going to be hateful, rage at me, be irrational and paranoid and accusatory, then I'm not going to talk to him. He can go sulk in his room until he comes around, but I am going to teach myself how to ignore the bait, how not to get sucked in to pointless "discussions" that are totally unreasonable and go absolutely nowhere.

amen!

today, better off without him

no, not good enough for my daughter

d

"how not to get sucked in to pointless "discussions" that are totally unreasonable and go absolutely nowhere."

when you figure out the above one PLEASE let me know!

I say "I love you, please get some help, please call someone, I can't help you." Then I hang up or walk out of the room or house.

But, I am emotionally sucked in for hours, I pray, I literally physically shake, sometimes I cry (not so much anymore), I lose my appetite, I wait, I call a friend who is not involved with us as a couple, I write, I post here. It usually passes, in fact I just got off the phone with him and he says he is finished with his fit. We will see.

d

d