Bipolar in the family Support Group

So here's my story.

I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. We were each others first kiss, first love, everything.

I had sort of a troubled childhood. (My mom was diagnosed with Alcoholic dementia when I was 20, to clear things up) So I moved in with my husbands family at the age of 17 and graduated from the high school he went to 20 minutes away from my home town. So basically, we've always been best friends.

I've always kind of lead the relationship in ways. In the beginning stages of our love, he was the kind of person who showed affection, care and compassion. Ever since I knew him, he wanted to join the Active duty Army. When we were 17, he talked to recruiters and I talked him out of going active, I know it was selfish of me, but I was afraid he'd get deployed, get killed, ect. He ended up joining the National Guard. And 10 days later, I ended up joining the National Guard too.

So we completed out training and after high school moved in with each other in a small apartment with our cats. Things were going pretty well. He'd have outbursts now and then but it was kind of normal, and to him, just something that he got passed down genetically.

So we went to a doctor, who said he was probably dealing with anxiety issues and put him on medication for anxiety. One night we have drill on different weekends and I remember being alone in our apartment while he was at training. As usual, I told him I loved him and missed him, and he the same to me. Everything was normal, until the next morning.

The next morning, I received several text messages that read something like this "I'm sorry I'm doing this to you and I love you and I love the cats but I don't want to do this anymore." I called immediately, and a cop answered. He had overdosed on alcohol and taken all of his medication in attempt to commit suicide. He was alive, but in the hospital an hour and a half away. I left immediately and spent the next week (our first week of college) with him for support.

So, after that, he got some therapy and was diagnosed almost immediately with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression. I had no idea, but once I was told that, I started putting the pieces together and it all made so much sense. He had always been an angry person, had outbreaks, ect. Since he was diagnosed with being bipolar, his disorder went out of control. He would have 5-6 hour outbreaks 1-2 times a week at least, over the smallest thing.

I tried, and have tried to always be nothing but supportive. I have been there with him through the thick and thin. He ended up getting a honorable discharge after yo-yoing the idea of trying to stay in. He decided to get out with medical because the anxiety of seeing the military doctor was too much to bear.

Since then, he has been on and off jobs, on and off school, ect. He hasn't really been sure of what he wants to do in life. I have since then, gotten a full time position at my unit, that requires me to be active duty, but still live at home. I have bought a house (in my own name). For the most part, honestly, I have always been the most successful. And I think that, that might be hard for him. Especially because originally, he was the one who wanted to be active duty. I can't say I don't feel a little guilt about that now.

So to start wrapping this up, during my annual training (2 weeks away), I had given him a phone call at night. He was telling me how he wanted to join the french military (because they would accept him with his disorder) and talked about going active duty. The things he was talking about were things that did not involve me...so I questioned if he still wanted to be with me. He responded but telling me that

He thought we got married to young. He wanted to make me happy but he hasn't been able to be happy. Everything happened so fast that he didn't have a chance to respond. (I recommended we get married at 19...he half halfheartedly agreed and we got married 6 months after I asked) And he seen me more as a friend, and that he wasn't sure if we should be together.

Ever since then, (about a month ago) things have been terrible. I have been depressed every day. Since I got back, we argue almost every day. He even said that I made him say all those things, then he changed his mind and blamed it on his bipolar, then he changed his mind and blamed it on alcohol...it's always someone else's fault. He has consistently turned around every argument we have on me. He can't give me reasons he wants to be with me, besides that he doesn't want to be alone, and I know him more than anyone else. But I'm not sure those are good reasons to stay with someone.

We, as friendly as we could went on a walk one night. We decided that it would be best if we just followed through with the divorce. I told him I couldn't be mad at him for expressing how he feels about our relationship, and that we would just continue to be best friends. I brought up how he would have to discuss this with his parents, whom treated me as a daughter, and that stressed him out tremendously...I think he was more afraid of that, and having to live on his own, than the fact of divorcing me. About a week and a half after I got home, I had to leave again for two weeks for another army school. While I was gone, little was said. About half way through he began telling me he wanted to work it out with me. I still am feeling how I did before I left.

I am still convinced that he feels the way he said he did, and that it will be extremely hard for me to ever believe differently. He has done small things to try and change himself. Example, he has started to pick up more around the house, applied for a university, said he's done drinking, and now is trying to get back into the military. But here's the catch...

He has stopped taking his meds in order to get back into the military. (Self-therapy and going to his therapist) So that has made trying to work things out in our relationship so much harder.

I have always put him first in everything. Before all this happened, I would have done anything in the world to make him happy, but realized that he wasn't, and I was naive in thinking that we were. I now am trying to put myself first and think of my needs and wants. It's hard. When I talk about my feelings and how this is effecting me, it always ends up being about him and his disorder.

Over the years, he has broken many, many things. Put hole after hole in wall after wall, yelled at me, called me names, degraded me, ect. I have taken in. I've blamed it on the disorder, and maybe even told myself I deserve it. Now after all of this, I'm not sure if I can continue to go on being married to him. I am depressed every day, and can't think of anything except for this.

So if you've gotten this far, thank you so much for reading. There is so much more, I mean tons more to this story. I guess I just want to see what someone else might have to say about it all, or if their experience can help me in any way.

Thank you.

One Question. Think long and hard before answering. WHAT DOES YOUR GUT, TELL YOU?

Post edited by: scotty04901, at: 06/25/2012 06:01 PM

I know this is difficult. I am married to my third husband. He and the first are both diagnosed bipolars. My daughter is a bipolar and my brother. My husband now is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. They get better for a while and say all of the things they think you want to hear because they might have to face their issues alone. But, in the end you feel helpless, lonely, and disheartened. You have a love/hate relationship with them. You sound like you have flourished without in spite of him. Follow your gut and don't let anyone else persuade you to stay or to leave. Stay strong!

blackdaisy welcome to the group.

Marriages and relationships with bipolar people can absolutely work and be happy. BUT....and it's a big but, they have to be committed to being stable. And while taking psych meds is a part of that (and the FIRST and most needed part for the vast majority), there is more---which means watching moods, avoiding alcohol/street drugs, a good sleep schedule that works with the solar clock, therapy, mindfulness, and a complete willingness to call the pdoc or take a PRN or get extra therapy when they start to cycle. Once they have the diagnosis, the raging (not even to mention the dangerous violence of him breaking your things!) has NO excuse. NONE. If he is committed to your marriage he has to be committed to being stable.

When I saw your husband had quit his meds to join the military I shuddered. That's NOT what the public needs--another armed and skilled unmedicated seriously mentally ill person. It would also increase the risk YOU face from his next rage episode dramatically if he gets military training.

I think you are in what is now an abusive relationship and bipolar is no excuse for abuse. Now, saying that doesn't mean it will be easy to leave him. It won't. But I think you have a ton of reasons to leave.

Married, did you get where I was leading? Do you agree with me?

I think it's MDJ

It's MDJ

Scotty, what is happening? Is there some glitch?

I think it just cleared up

All I can say is thank you all so much for reading my story and your support. I appreciate it greatly. It's a constant rollar coster living this way. I think one of the hardest parts right now is the arguring. Things from past arguements are being brought up, and his version of the story changes completely. It's almost as if he convinces himself that things happend in a way to make me the only guilty one.

And also, while I was at the first military training, he had partys at my house with people I didn't know, spent almost $200 on alcohol. ciggarrettes, ect. So I took away this debit card and made him promise not to do it again without my permission, but it was done again because he doesn't agree with me, although I am the one who pays the mortgage and it is technically my home. Basically, my point is that he is quite disresepectful to things I've worked so hard for and what I have.

I think relationships thrive on mutal respect for each other. Whenever I say that, or say he is being disrespectful, he says that I always hold myself above everyone else and use the word "respect" way too much. And will constantly say that I am being "rediculous" and irrational with how I feel towards things. Except, I have never once called him a name. Recently he has said these things to me: "You would just be a fat ghetto girl if it wasn't for me." and "You are so useless." But blames that on manic episodes.

The other day when we were arguing (started out as just a discussion) he said "I want to work it out with you when you're normal, but you make me not want to when you're crazy." That, I think, speaks volumes.

I've just put so much into this, and now feel like it was for nothing almost. I feel so naive in that I was happy and he was not.

Post edited by: blackdaisy, at: 06/26/2012 07:35 AM

Post edited by: blackdaisy, at: 06/26/2012 07:37 AM