Hi There, new to forum - heres our story......

I am new to this forum and here is our story....

My husband had a serious drug and alchol problem that spiraled out of control soon after we first got together. He had a major mental break down and lost his business after he found out he had been being shafted and ripped off by his business partener ( who was stealing money to support his drug habbits)

He ended up at a mental health clinic and was diagnosed with a substance and alcohol problem and depression. He throughout this time very nearly lost me too. He then completely stopped drinking and stopped taking drugs. He has been sober from alcohol and serious drugs for 8 years. He has however never been able to stop his marijuana habit, of which he smokes once a day.

He was pretty level and seemed to be handling it all and a year of good mental health and we decided to get married. A year later we had our first child. Our little family was staring to take shape and all was pretty much normal exept if he had missed medication (wich at that stage was only one antidepressant) of which if missed he would be extremely down for 2-3 days and then perk up and all would then be fine once he had caught up on a few more days pills. He ended up with another very succesful business and we lived a pretty good life with just a few little bumps in the road. Over time his ups and downs started to get a bit more intense and he was starting to lie about his drug use and was completely avoiding me and our daughter. He became an extreme workaholic that only came home to eat and then go back to work till midnight. He didnt appear to need sleep and couldnt understand what the big deal was. He then got itchy feet with his franchise and decide to literally walk away and basically gave the business away for at least half of what it was worth (we walked away with debt - we should have been leaving with at least 6 figures)Obviusly this took its toll on the relationship and he started to go into rages and then deep deep depression. He would take off for hours, sometimes days and tell me all the horrific thoughts he had been having and planning his death in his head over and over again. I then insisted he see a phychiatrist. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and sent to a public mental heath out patient treatment facility. They put him on several coctails of medication and he did counselling sessions of which I sat in on. It was then that he told them the voices he has in his head that have been there for as long as he can remember and that he has lived his entire life feeling this way ! I had no idea that it was this bad !and as for the voices in the head - it scared the crap out of me and to be honest still does.

He then decided to cancell out of the therapy because he didnt think he needed it. I have since found out the reason he did was because the issues that kept coming up about his overwelming feelings of abandonment from being adopted where too much for him to take. So he pushed it all under the carpet and has been clenching his teeth and trying to get through pretty much by himself (bar the meds and dope)

I must admit he sure can put on a fantastic show when he wants too because again , apart from a few depressive days that was really that. We then had another child and he started another new business.

a few months later (christmas last year) we come home form the holiday from hell - lots of fighting, tears, threats, depressive episodes he comes home, grabs a knife and chases me through the house with a large knife jammed into his throat and threatens to kill himself infront of me and our two children, needless to say I was absolutely shit scared because he is a big man of 6 ft 3 and when aggressive looks about 7 ft 3. I phoned the police in hysterical fear, by which time he jumped in his truck and took off, he didnt come back for several days and I had no other choice but to tell his and my family what secret hell I was living in (obviously I am the queen of putting on a good show too)

he then was seen again by the psych team and we carried on for another year .... until of course this Christmas, basically the same deal as last - so we have had the team here again today.

I came on this forum last night in desperation and I am feeling so much better for seeing that there are others going through the same thing as I am (I dont mean that how it sounds because I would not wish this on any one - but you know what I mean)Basically I dont feel so alone. I have never talked to anyone who lives with this also, and until you do - no one could ever possibly imagine what it is like.

I feel like I am a silent suffering part of this disease - sometimes I feel like yelling out "what the f..k about ME !" How come MY felings dont count and how come I am not aloud to say - you are and A hole look at what your doing ! without worrying that he will take off and kill himself ! I have to tip toe around his needs in fear of rocking the boat.

Why do I stay ? because when he is good he is great ! best thing ever, love of my life, champion father, husband, lover and friend. He is caring and loving and nurturing to all my needs. Luckily so far this lovely man that I live with is mainly just that - a lovely man. Unfortunately on a bad spell 30% of the time he a diferent guy.If he is relatively stable it might only be 20% of the time. Its just the bad spells leave you with an ache in your soul that seems to go on. He is a fighter and a surviver because even if he seems fine the voices in his head NEVER go away yet he remains able to push them to one side and get on with his daily life. He is extreemly talented and super intelligant. As much as he thinks he is a thorn in my side - he is my inspiration and I love him.

If you got to the bottom of all of that I am impressed! thanks for reading our story x

My brother and I were both adopted (different bio parents, no blood relation). I have always understood my birth mother's reasons for giving me up (she was 14) and have since met her. I am actually very happy I was adopted because she is unstable, and I question whether there is bipolar at play. I know she was sexually active at a young age, and had 6 children by 6 different men. She lies regularly, but I am not sure if she believes what she is saying, as she kind of lives in her own version of planet earth. One humorous thing is that she is convinced her dogs talk to her. She tells me they say "Out now" when they want to go out, and "now now" when they want (a treat I think). My 16 year old spent the summer with my birth sister, and met his bio grandma. He laughs and says she will say "look! Did you see that! She just asked to go out!” Anyway, much drinking until she was 30, probable involvement in prostitution, underemployed, fractured relationships etc. My 9 year old is most probably going to be diagnosed as BD, so it would be nice to know if she truly is, but she has not been diagnosed. My sister, who is a doctor, thinks she (bio mom) has a borderline personality disorder. OK -should NOT have drank 2 red bulls prior to posting - I am RAMBLING! I had to go back to the start of my post to see where I was going with this! lol

My brother is not OK with being adopted. He feels he was abandoned. We do know his mom had mental health issues, and his dad was in and out of jail. But my brother can not get over that, in his mind, this person did not want him.

So, the abandonment feeling are, I think, partly how a person's personality deals with things. I see my childhood as idealistic and wonderful, my brother feels lonely and not supported and understood. Same family, same parents, different outlooks.

Has your husband had a chance to find out why he was put up for adoption? This may make it easier for him to "forgive" and to heal.

As to hearing voices, I only have experience with three children, in my 25 years of working with children, who heard voices. Is there a med he can/will take to help? Are the voices telling him to harm you or the children? Do you feel you or the children are in danger? Your husband sounds like he is trying very hard to lead a normal life. Of course, this means that when he is not in a "normal life" space with his illness, you must go along for the ride.

Wishes for a peaceful and uneventful 2008!

Karen

I tell you what though, this will give an insight into how much of a fighter he is - he has never missed a day due to his illness, he has struggled through and worked through not letting any one know whats going on.I think he misssed maybe a morning but thats it. (it helps the fact that he contracts his work and dosnt work directly with others) He has said that work is his coping mechanism and has said that if he was ever hospitalised it would send him over the edge because he cant handle being idle. He keeps busy busy busy !

To answer the question about the voices... they are very violent suicidal voices telling him to harm himself. They are all aimed at himself - not at others.

thanks