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11/06/2008 10:08 PM

Mother of adult bi-polar daughter.....

gjsharon
Posts: 3
New Member

I am new to the group and desperate. I am a divorced female living with my 86-year-old mother. My 38-year-old daughter has been staying with us for the past seven months. She has been depressed since early childhood and recently was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

I have problems similar to the ones you are having and I desperately need advice and support. She is on medication, but, in my opinion, it is not doing much more than making her sleep. She works from 2PM (if she makes it on time) until 9PM at a pharmacy as a tech. When she comes home, she usually watches TV or stays on the internet until 2 or 3 in the morning, (sometimes later). She has trouble sleeping at night. In the morning, when she should be getting up and doing something, she sleeps. Often she will sleep until she has to get ready for work.

She has never married. She is a beautiful woman who has scarred her face by picking at it. She goes on shopping sprees for long periods of time and reluctantly told me of a trip she made to WalMart that lasted 16 hours!!!!!

There are many events to talk about and I am planning to join a support group at one of our hospitals. I searched this site for an "adult daughter" problem. Hope you have some suggestions.

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11/07/2008 04:19 AM
ThisBlows
ThisBlowsPosts: 1467
Senior Member

Gisharon, Its very hard to watch our children go through this. My daugher (she's 19, diagnosed after a sucide attempt 4 years ago) is everything I hoped my children would be when they grew up, smart, beautiful, tuff, etc... But there are times, when she sinks into a depression and becomes another person. Its scary and painul to watch...

If I can ever help in anyway, please let me know. Id be happy to help in anyway I can.


11/07/2008 11:14 AM
gjsharon
Posts: 3
New Member

ThisBlows,

Thank you for writing me. There are so many things I could tell you about the situation, but it would take forever. I have watched helplessly while my daughter's problems have slowly worsened.

I am working on getting counseling for the both of us. She has been going for a few years, off and on. The counselor that she had must have thrown up her hands in despair, because she was not trying to help herself and was not improving. I believe she needs someone to go with her and reinforce the ideas put forth by the counselor. She agrees with me, but she wanted me to go, because she blames me for much of her problem. She blames the major source of her depression on the unethical conduct of her father and his absence while we were married. We have been divorced for 20 years and were separated for 6 years prior to the divorce.

Tell me some of the situations with your daughter and how you have coped and/or solved them. And, thank you again for writing.

Sharon


11/07/2008 12:28 PM
ThisBlows
ThisBlowsPosts: 1467
Senior Member

Ya know, its nice to know that Im not the only to blame for their childrens problems lol.

My daughter has blamed every little thing on me. Lately shes been saying that I kicked her out of the house, all I told her was that she's old enough that she can either go to school, or start thinking about getting a place of her own (it was an attempt to get her to finish collage, kind of back fired lol).

She has a huge issue handeling any stress that comes up. She over drew her checking account once and you would have thought that the world was about to end they way she carried on about what a terrible person whe was, even after I offered to give her the money to fix it. I remember what its like to be that age, just starting out on your own Her mother and I were already married, with children (her) by her age and I know its tuff, but she wouldnt have anything to do with it. What works so far is that I just talk camly to her to mellow her our and then together we try to fix what ever the problem is.

I also set boundries. I WILL NOT tolerate her disrespecting me, or her mother (cant tell you how many times she has tried). Its just something that she's had to learn to deal with. Also I like it shen she goes into "Oh Poor me" mode. We argue a lot, but in the end we usualy work things out.

Wow, this has been a long reply lol. What kind of problems she yours giving you?


11/07/2008 02:34 PM
babblej
babblej  
Posts: 51
Member

Hello everyone,

It's been a while since I have been around, something just told me to check the forum today, I'm glad I did. It seems that the most common post I have come across mostly pretain to significant others or spouse's. At this time in my life; it is my adult daughter that is Bipolar. She is 39 yrs old, has four children now, and they all live with me. As Sharon says; it is most difficult at times!!! My daughter does have a trade; but like most of the people that have this disorder/ disease; is not able to hold down a job and still stay stable. While on medication her cycles are not near as rapid, or as intense; but she can not balance the stress of dealing with four children as a single parent, her mood swings and basic hetic life and a job.

The mood swings are the hardest part for me. Having her and the grandchildren are a lot of additional work and energy at this time in my life, but I keep in mind that it is a blessing to have my grandchildren around me all the time at this age, because soon enough they will never come around.!! I have plenty of years to sit by myself and watch life pass by. So for now, I am blessed. Her mood swings are intense, and she becomes very verbally abusive, and there is absouletly no talking to her. Keeping my emotions under control during these out burst has been the hardest thing for me to conquer. I don't always manage to do that well. Each of us that lives with someone that is bi polar has a different coping mechanizm. I think I have tried them all. It's like having a bag of tricks, You just keep pulling them out of the bag, throw one against the wall and see which one sticks that time. Learning as much as I could about the disorder helped me the most. Even with that; it is still and probably always will be a challenge to walk the fine line between what is real and what is out of their control. The boundry issues are most likely one of the problems we all face. Setting a boundry is pretty simple; holding to your boundries is next to impossible for me. I struggle with that in all walks of my life. I find that the forum is the best release value I have found. We can all know the tricks, and can all share them, but we all need a place to just vent.... when we get weiry... so that we can get back on the board, and ride the wave again.... again.... and again. Because when it comes to our children no matter how old the are suppose to be, we will always see them as our children pretending to be an adult..

From one of you to another, remember to "breathe"

Welcome aboard----

Babblej


11/08/2008 04:35 PM
gjsharon
Posts: 3
New Member

My 38-year-old has never married. She's been engaged 3 times,(twice to the same man), but she doesn't even date now. She does nothing but eat, sleep, go to work and start all over again. She is suicidal and has been since she was just a child. I took her to a doctor,(only got to see the nurse), when she was an older teen to get confirmation that her "PMS" was controllable. I feel like most women have a form of PMS, but that it is not the fault of the whole world and therefore we should not take our feelings out on everyone around us. The nurse proceeded to take her side. She told her to eat better and told her on our way out that, when she was ready for birth control, to let her know. Made me pretty mad. All she did was reinforce the PMS condition and my life was even worse, because, now it was OKAY for her to scream and be in a bad mood for 5-10 days a month. Now I can see that bi-polar may have been the problem.

I have always had to walk on eggshells to keep from offending her and waiting till she is in a good mood to calmly discuss any issues simply DOES NOT WORK!!!!! The GOOD mood turns into the BAD mood and nothing positive comes out of the situation.

She has worked at an independent pharmacy for 17 1/2 years. The owner died and his son-in-law took over as manager. The son-in-law is not a pharmacist and has never mananged as many people as he does now. He tells her he wants her to get better, but most of his actions have dragged her WAY DOWN. Just yesterday he told her he wanted her to work as a clerk in the store, until she starts to feel better. That would be like a demotion and she would be working under a young woman who is 24 and has only worked at the store for about 6 months. It seems like they are just kicking her while she is down.

She knows that her work performance has dropped but, this was a step that has sent her into a deep depression.

I am going to stop for now. I am sure you all are tired of reading. I know I am tired of typing. I just appreciate having a vent for this problem.

Bye for now, Sharon


03/24/2010 03:59 AM
debglen
Posts: 18
New Member

isn;t that true..."eggshells." And a good mood or conversation quickly turns bad in a matter of nannoseconds! A true Jekel and Hyde situation right before our eyes! Sometimes, it happens so fast and so craftfully, I catch myself wondering WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?

Deb


05/14/2011 04:45 AM
ajcmimi
ajcmimi  
Posts: 17
Member

I am new here too and am really at a loss. I do not even know for sure if my daughter has bipolar. I know that she is wasting my and her energy and making both if not everybody's life harder by the way she is behaving; if she still does have any control of what she is doing and if anybody can/could help her I do not know.Her husband tells I am not the only one suffering from her "moodswings". He just wants his peace.

What she does to me feels extremely hurtful, I never know what mood she will be in the next moment and for this reason I am scared of talking to her at all. At the same time i would like to have our loving trusting relationship back.

As a child she was at two occasions diagnosed and treated as suizidal.

I am a divorced mother of three adult children - their late father having been abusive, having had alcohol problems, four marriages, 8 children......

My daughter witnessed the abuse in the marriage and in later relationships, started smoking, went into drugs, married at age 18, has three wonderful girls, a husband who does not provide for the family - but he got off the cigarettes whilst she couldnot follow through - , they keep getting into debts, she is the"boss" ind the family and under enormous (financial too) stress since over 11 years. 9 months ago she went back to school after trying many things within the last years; I know how hard this is having a family and no money.

Besides supporting her and the family in between (buying groceries, washers, dishwashers, clothing, paying for their medical) I "bailed her out" with major amounts twice in the last four years; making her debt free hoping they would be able to make a fresh start at 0. It did not work out- the second time I knew I was making a mistake and since then our relationship has completely turned around. She perceives me as her enemy - I do not help her the way she wants me to help and I have now told her I can and will help her in many ways but not again by taking on their debts - , yells at me even in front of the children, sets hard to follow incongruent rules when I see the children.....

I had moved to the same city to be close and support them; at this point I do not even know if I hurt the children more than I help by being around.

Will it best for everybody if I stay even more away than I do now????

Thank you


05/14/2011 02:05 PM
bearmother8
Posts: 1
New Member

"Will it best for everybody if I stay even more away than I do now????" No it wouldn't..ever heard of "Damned if I do and damned if I don't"? That how I feel everytime my daughter turns the switches...she and children lived with me for six months while separated from her husband but by the time they reconciliated, I was the enemy and his wrongs were forgiven but I am now the enemy....I believe you have to try and do what you can but there comes a time when you have to draw the line and trust that you will be there when she and/or the kids need you....Really hard to know what to do or say....

05/14/2011 10:27 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

ajcmimi , I would think that you being around for youyr grandkids would provide some sorta of an anchor in their lives. Is your daughter under a doctor's care with meds seeking therapy?
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