Bipolar in the family Support Group

I just read all these posts, and I can relate. My bp husband of a year and a half has left me several times already, and when he does he will go to anyone that will take him in and lie to them about me, that i beat him, etcetc. it is awful to be lied about and there is no way to defend yourself because the people know him and not me and so they believe him, last year this time he went to his parenst for a month. 3 days ago his slammed and broke my computer and broke my phone in half. luckily a friend loaned me a computer until a new one arrives. i am so glad I have found this support group, i had no one else to talk to about any of this and it was a horrible feeling. i am so incredibly grateful to find this place, i just need to know i am not alone and i guess to let this out somehow even if it's into cyberspace.

Wow, how do you put up with that? Ive said it a million times, being BP is no excuse for acting like an ass.

My wife is BP, we've been married for over 18 years and I can relate. Before she was on her meds she left me more times than I can count, was verbaly abusive, and once tried to get physical so I can safely say Ive been there. It took a long time to for me to learn that I didnt have to put up with it, and you dont either.

hello, thank you so much for your response. i agree, bp is no excuse. i am just learning much about it because i hadn't gone online too much before. i am very confused as to what is the bp and what is just bad behavior, sometimes it seems like a fine line. often i have just thought it is awful behavior but then these behaviors happen during a manic episode. any advice at this time i would so appreciate, can i ask you, how have you learned to not put up with it, or how do you not put up with it? any help or insight i would so appreciate.

Well, I think that bad behavior is just that, bad behavior, and I refuse to play that game. Now I understand that no one is perfect, least of all me, and sometimes crap just happens.

The big change for my wife and I came when I was going overseas for a deployment to the desert. She and I had been fighting and I decided that I had had enough. So I told her that if she was still here then I got home, then good. If not, well thats fine to, at least I tried, and walked out the door. Gave her 6 months to think about it. During this time she calmed down, realisied she had a problem (the kids had something to do with that) and got help. That was 8 years ago. Since she was diagnosed and told me, Ive been doing research on it ever since.

Now, realize that its not all roses, we still have our ups and downs, but we talk alot more. When we're angry at each other we give one another space to settle down and we work things out. If she does something crazy (for lack of a better term, no offense intended) I'll just come out and tell her. I let it be know that if it ever got as bad as it was again, I would leave, and take the kids with me.

Sounds a little harsh, but I realized that her acting that was effected everyone in the family, not just me. I can take it, but my kids shouldnt (and wont) have to.

I also know that Im not the easiest person to live with at times (like I said, no one is perfect) and take that into account. I know that sometimes I do something stupid, and she has no problem tell me that. Id rather he tell me than trigger her to do something bad.

Lol, I kind of just rambled on there for a while, did any of that make sense? Feel free to ask me anything, anytime. Im glad to be of help.

yes that does make sense to me and i am not offended by the word crazy. for lack of any better words sometimes that just is what it is. i am so far from perfect too. i am really encouraged to know you guys have been married so long and have found the stability. it gives me some hope that it can work. it has been bad here a couple times and sporadically for 5 years almost 6 years. sometimes long stretches of good, like a year inbetween then the bottom drops out. i have looked for some pattern but there is none, just that the stability is never guaranteed or permanat but then again neither are the manias. he is off most his meds now (down five to one) and the destructive erratic behavior is more frequent. he was doing so great before too. thank you so much "this blows" ( that is pretty funny) because it feels so good to just let it out. i did not have any place i could do that beofre finding this support group.

Like I said, anytime you have a question or need something, feel free to ask. I know it sucks to be in the dark about this (Ive got so much more to learn myself).

There are no patterens that I can tell ( I tried to find them to), but his meds are vital! Insist he takes them! I told my wife that if she goes off her meds again (and she has several times) that Im gone. I took mine everyday (Not for BP, but for PTSD) she can to. After all, theres a reason the doc put him on them, and unless he is a Pdoc as well, then he cant really justify not taking them.

Dont try to "fix" him, you cant (I though I could too). But on the otherhand, dont let him drag you down either, you must look out for yourself. Just my opinion.....

Sandy,

I understand what your going threw. I know my husband goes to his parent's and lies about thing's I say. He probably lie's to other people about me also.

I remember when we were dating and he would tell me thing's about his now x wife. How she would laugh at him, call him names, spend hour's on the phone with her sister.

He thinking I call him names. If I say his action's are pathetic he thinks I am calling him pathetic. If I tell him he is being a jerk...well then hes a jerk 100% of the time.

I think a marriage or any relationship will work if the person with BP get's help and know's what to do when they are having their time. The person without BP cannot just think..."Oh well they are BP and it's ok"

In my book it's not ok!

Hi sandyjane.

I suppose the best way I know of to deal with it is to set boundaries. Draw a line in the sand, sandy, (: and stick to it. Has your husband ever sought treatment for bipolar disorder? Is he getting treatment (medications, therapy) now? Maybe that could be one of your lines in the sand, sandy, that he MUST get teatment, and follow thru on it, for the relationship to continue. And maybe another can be no portraying you as abusive, or abusing things like computer/phones/etc. Or no violence or mental/emotional/physical abuse.

It's hard, I know.

As much as you love him, you can't change him. That has to be his decision. But there are things in your control, like your life, and what you will accept.

Either way, I wish you, and him, the best.

Paul

Sandy,

I also want to say, that in my opinion, bad behavior can not be blamed on bipolar disorder, in itself.

But, I think bad behavior CAN be blamed on the SYMPTOMS of bipolar disorder, like extreme mania, and paranoia, and psychosis. These symptoms made my wife do things that she NEVER had done, or would have done, during times when she is a diagnoised bipolar, but is stable and not experiencing the severe symptoms.

Maybe that's just the way your husband is. That's a call only you can make. I don't want to make excuses for anyones bad behavior, but thats been the experience with my wife.

Paul

Post edited by: keepthefaith, at: 10/04/2008 08:48

Paul thank you so much for your message and the support. I so appreciate any advice here right now and yours is very good. after what's happened here the last few days i can only think to call it that i'm feeling a little bit shell shocked and numb so when someone reaches out to me here it is a godsend to me. thank you so much again