Bipolar in the family Support Group

My husband was told in 2/09 that he has bipolar. We have been married for 39 years, but what I feel for him has changed. He has done so much, that I am having doubts as to whether or not I can continue living with him. There is no doubt in my mind that I love him, but he has lied and humiliated me so much, I can't take anymore. I am a straight forward person. I was raised to be honest and not steal. He has violated my trust to the point that I no longer trust him. I don't know what to do from here. Any suggestions? [img]

Wow, that really hard. I am very inexperienced at this, I'm young and my BPS only recently went manic. We're trying hard to heal our marriage and reestablish the trust he broke. I still get mad sometimes, especially when I'm alone. I still feel hurt and betrayed, but I also know that I want to fight for him. I love him and don't want to be without him and now that he's seeking treatment, he's so much better. Everyone has their limit, and if he pushed you to yours, you don't have to martyr yourself. Deep down you know what the right thing to do is. It's a hard fight. I don't think it will ever be easy.

We're seeing a counselor and it has helped MUCH more than I would have ever thought. Good luck! *Hugs*

toquinn, welcome to the group!

Why did you stay with him so long when he was undiagnosed? Not judging, but wondering what kept you in the marriage for so many years. (My husband was undiagnosed for four years after we were a couple...and I wonder how I coped for THAT long of a time!)

But my main suggestion is for you to see a therapist. It sounds upside down at first---YOU have to get therapy when your spouse is the one with the mental illness? But living with an undiagnosed and untreated bipolar spouse for so very long must have made you a bit batso. Walking on eggshells? Wondering if you were losing your mind? Wondering if the guy you fell in love with had been replaced by an alien?

Therapy can really help you sort out your feelings.

I am sorry that I have not responded to your questions. I have been through a lot. To respond to "marriedtoit", I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and soul. He is not the man that I married. I still love him, but I don't like him. I have been to counseling. We went together for a while, but the counselor that we had moved. We were never able to find another one. Since my last post, he has tried to commit suicide, his Mother passed away with cancer, he had an affair with a 24 year old and he is 57. Also, I am praying and asking God to show me the way. I just wanted to answer your question.

Hi Toquinn,

Have you been to counseling this past year? You might want to think about trying to get another one... that is a lot to go through. I don't think anything bad could come of it. It would be good if one of you could take steps in the right direction. It is hard to do, especially when you love someone and have been with them so long. It might be worth a shot?

Toquinn, I cannot stress enough how helpful a good therapist will be for you. You need someone who understands mental illness to talk to.

His affair....regardless of any of his diagnoses, he will have to earn your trust back.

I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my husband for 25 years. Although he just had his first psychotic break, which landed him first in jail and then in a psychiatric ward, he had never previously been diagnosed. Now the doctors are saying that he's had bipolar and schizo affective disorder all his life, but had somehow managed to contain them.

But that bridge has been burned. Once the gentlest, sweetest man, his personality has changed completely. I don't know what to do. He blames me for not being there when the break occurred, for not posting bail fast enough, for arranging for the psychiatric evaluation, for making him go to intensive outpatient therapy.

He's convinced that he's fine. I don't know how to deal with him and, although I'm actively looking for a therapist who can help me cope, I haven't found one yet. All his psychiatrist will tell me is that my husband is resistant to therapy and those who are resistant, are often the ones who need the most help.

I don't know what to do. I'm breaking apart over this.

Post edited by: suzaan, at: 05/12/2012 04:00 PM

To respond to toquinn:

I tried all of my life to have a relationship with my mom. I started seeing a psychologist last year and found out that she's bpd/bipolar/narcissistic. Once I found out I of course did alot of research on it and decided to not have a relationship with her. Actually, I hadn't had a relationship with her for a year and a half prior to that but finding out exactly what was wrong made me sure that I couldn't have a relationship with her. I'm extremely grateful for finding out what was wrong with her because it allowed for me to put alot of the pieces together about my life. But it seems that once I found out I knew that I couldn't have a relationship with her anymore. I guess that it was all of the research that I did. I also knew that she never, ever expressed any interested in seeing a therapist. She doesn't want to fix herself. I can understand why you stayed and why you want to leave. My therapist has been invaluable to me. I hope that you find one soon.

My husband was recently diagnosed after being married for 3 years. He also has lied and done so many things I don't know if I will get through this either. I have an appt with a therapist that deals with BiPolar. That is really important. You need someone with experience. Using my husbands words "I am the best manipulator and lier around." I love him but don't like him very much.

This is where the truth lies.

@pk82886

Your husband actually said that?

Most undiagnosed bipolar patients are liars and manipulators. They perceive everyone as their enemy and always think they're ok, never admitting for a second that they're in the manic phase. They would also deny a lot of stuff that appears so real to you.

I thought I was going mad and waling on egg-shells for years now, but really something pinpointed me in this direction to "believe" someone in my family is bipolar.

My dad was bipolar.