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02/15/2010 11:23 PM

New to group

Posts: 5

Hi all! I am married to a good man who happens to have bpd with OCD, ADD and alcoholism. Unfortunately, I learned of these problems after we were married. He was very skilled at hiding what he didn't want anyone to know. I say he's a good man because he is. He works hard and makes good money. When he's not having an episode, he is loving, attentive, romantic, supportive, etc. He takes good care of our children and does try to spend time with them. He is active in our church and will give the shirt off his back for anyone in need. However . . . (you knew that was coming! Smile). He has a severe form of bpd that will send him off into a deep clinical depression. When that happens, he turns back to alcohol. It's driving a huge wedge between us, and I have no idea what to do next. I have joined an online Al-Anon forum to help get my focus back on myself and the kids instead of dealing with his needs all the time. I'm slowly learning that I can't rush to his aid every time he feels he needs me. Tonight is a perfect example. He is having one of those episodes and headed to a bar when he left work. When he got home, I was very stupid and picked a fight with him. He left and was headed back to work. He planned to work through the night and come back home tomorrow night. On his way to work, he stopped at a local all-night diner. But he forgot that he had asked me to take his debit card and money because he was trying to get back on the right track with the alcoholism. So he had no money to pay for the meal. He called me and expected me to leave the kids in bed at midnight and drive up to the restaurant to take him his debit card. I refused. He was furious with me, but he ended up leaving his license there and coming home to get the money. I gave him enough cash to pay for the meal and that was it. After 15 minutes, he showed back up at the house, behaving a little nicer, and went to bed. I have never refused to do anything for him, and I think this really scared him. Maybe he's realizing what he may end up losing if things don't change.

All in all, this was a really bad day. I feel so drained and exhausted, and some days I wonder if we would be better off without him. We would go broke and probably end up in bankruptcy, but we would be free of the tension and stress in our house. But that's just a pipe dream. My religious beliefs will not allow me to leave him unless he cheats (which I'm absolutely certain doesn't happen). So I will plod along and continue to grow as a person and learn to take care of myself occasionally.

Thank you for listening. I have absolutely no here to talk to, and it gets very, very lonely at times.


02/16/2010 01:46 AM
Posts: 277

Welcome to the groups! You will have many people here to talk to, vent with, get advise and never feel you are alone in this sitaution again.

Is your husband taking medication? If he isn't then I am sorry to say that there is not much that can be done until this is happening. If he is taking medication then it will not work effectively if at all if he is drinking.

I suggest you get him to the Dr to be medicated, have his medicated adjusted and then psychotherapy. You may even want to make contact with his treating Dr to explain the situation as they have a good tendency to lie and cover the truth up. Just taking medication is not an answer. BP's need therapy as well, the outcome of both is far more successful then just one alone.

You could also get some counselling for you and children. Keep us up to date and I hope you stay around here and add some of your own experiences to this forum.

02/16/2010 10:59 AM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Hi, Mama: Ennray is correct. It won't get any better until he is medicated and in therapy. IMO you did the right thing by not riding off to the rescue. At some point, it has to stop and he has to learn to be responsible for his actions.

You're a good woman, and you will meet many people like yourself here. Welcome!

02/16/2010 01:30 PM
Posts: 527

hello somama you are going hrough a rough time, i admire that you put your foot down and didnt go to give him his card.

you should applaud yourself.

it must be hard for you to deal with 2 illness but you will meet warm and sincere people here who will give you the strengh to make it through your rough days.

my partner has bpolar and was only dagnosed since nov,sometimes i think it can be harder for us to live with that is why i am so glad i found true friends who know what we are going throughSad

02/16/2010 03:36 PM
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

SoMama , Welcome to the group You are right in seeking help yourself and getting the focus back on you . He has to want to quit drinking in order to be stable . my bf is dually diagnosed as well . when things get rough for him he turns to drinking as well which only makes things worse.

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