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starburst
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Hi to those of you who dont know me..Im Chotzey..aka Starburst. Well cant sleep. Husband was having problems with anxiety, we went to his pdoc twice, I knew he was also depressed because he would sleep and lay around all the time, but all his pdoc did was put him on Valium. We just got back from Gatlinburg, just a real relaxing vacation thought it would hepl to get him out of the house, but it didnt. I feel bad and ashamed because I noticed, but since his pdoc didnt seem to think it was a major problem, and this has been going on for a couple months, I wasnt sure if some of it was just laziness and him not trying to control his illness but letting the bipolar control him, I know that was very insitive of me. I love him and miss him so much. Also we have been working through forgiveness from when he was manic, burning our marriage license 3 days after we were married, having an affair before we were married, burning my clothes, all these terrible things happened when he was manic and I know it wasnt the man I knew and loved. I have forgave him, but I feel he is depressed and carrying so much guilt he cant forgive himself. The other this topic above came up and I wasnt wanting to be upset or argue so I left for the night, When I came home he had taken the whole bottle of valium about 30 pills, because he didnt want me to leave, now he is hospitalized and they think he is suicidal. I feel its partly me that is causing his stress and unhappiness, he says no. Anyway today they took him off abilify, he is still taking his serequel, but they added lithium and ativan. Im sure it will get better. I just wonder how long he will have to stay, he didnt seem all that unstable to me, he just seemed tired all the time and anxious. Guess I was wrong. Sorry this long and thanks for listening and reading my posts as all my family has turned against me for being in love with someone who is mentally ill, but he really is a wonderful person and deserves to be loved. |
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bejeweled
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Starburst wrote: "When I came home he had taken the whole bottle of Valium about 30 pills, because he didnt want me to leave, now he is hospitalized and they think he is suicidal. I feel its partly me that is causing his stress and unhappiness, he says no" First, most people that overdose on valium are suicidal, so it sounds to me like he's in the right place. Second, we are individually all responsible for our own happiness or lack thereof. We cannot "make" anyone feel anything. We don't have that kind of power. We all chose our actions and reactions. It is good that he is not in denial about his illness and that he is taking his meds. Your family probably doesn't understand the mental illness part, just that he does bad things. It just means they care. If they don't pay your bills, then it's really none of their business. It will get better as long as he keeps doing what he needs to do to get better. You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen
Do or do not. There is no try. -YODA |
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starburst
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Thank you Bejeweled..He does do the right things and has been taking all his meds, he is not in denial, just pain, I wish there more I could do, but all I can do is support and love him. When he went thru his mania he was off medication, he has improved, just now its depression and anxiety, Im sure it just takes time to find the right meds and he is willing to try and stick to a plan. His pdoc did tell him that he was a candidate for total disability, but if he has nothing to do..then what..its just me and him and I work, but when he is home he wants my company. Thank you again
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WARHORSE
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Starburst: The journey to find the right med "cocktail" can be a long one. Sounds like they are headed in the right direction with him. Keep us posted as to how he is doing. I agree with Bejeweled--he is in the right place for right now. "Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds? Or just a little cheaper than spit?"--Jim Steinham
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starburst
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Thank-you. He has called me several times yesterday and just went in the hospital, asking me to bring him clothes and an electric razor, I have a doctors appt today at 1pm so I told him I would bring them by today and drop them off. Visitation is not until tomorrow and its a fairly decent drive. He calls at 8:00am this morning wanting to know if I was bringing his clothes. Sometimes I think he is agitated because he had to get up so early and cant lay around that he would call and wake me up as well. He was laying around here all day in the same clothes, I guess Im surprised after 1 day it makes all the difference or if he is just trying to aggrivate me at this point. Seems he doesnt care about me or even remember or here what I have to say. Its just round and round with him. Im amazed in 1 day he is so concerned with his personel hygiene. Thanks for listening. |
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TerriTee
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Sometimes it takes a while to get the right mix of meds. My husband is also a "master" at masking his real feelings from me, so I understand the guilt you feel at not noticing sooner. Twice, I had no clue how deeply depressed he was until he needed to be hospitalized. It wasn't anyone's fault, and it's not your fault now. Keep hanging in there - things could work out. Most people don't know that there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life - Brian Andreas |
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k45
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I was reading this and admiring you for seeing through the illness and trying to respect and care for your husband. I have lost that desire, and I'm not sure if that is something that is unfair since he is sick, or since he is who is now, whether sick or not, he is despicable and not worthy of caring about. Sounds confusing, sorry.
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betrayedwife
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sounds familiar, my husband is currently in a partial hosptilization program (12 weeks) we are on week three. We are currently seperated, which is better than where we were headed to a month ago, {divorce court (LITERALLY)} it was really nasty and he did alot of things including threaten suicide several times. We are living about 100 miles apart right now while he is in treatment. Just tonight i had to stop texting with him because he became so hateful about himself. I finally had to turn my phone off because i couldnt listen to anymore of his wishing he would die and hopefully someone would hit him on the freeway tomorrw. sorry but I am having a hard time dealing with all of the damage he has done to me and our children. I just dont know what to do when he gets this way. I am glad your husband is getting help and i can definatley identify with the demands of things to do that shouldnt matter...this was a rambling mess but bottom line, i feel your pain, frustration, and share in your heartach at seeing someone you love suffer. all my sympathy and support headed your way |
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