Bipolar in the family Support Group

I don't know how to talk to my manic boyfriend. We are currently in a long distance relationship-I moved for school in August. His manic episode was triggered by cutting back on his meds a few weeks before I left so its been about 3 months now. He has had a couple of manic episodes before and we have broken up during them before because it was so bad and I didn't know how to deal with it, this one seems milder because he is on medication now.

When he is manic he talks negatively about women-they are not as smart as men, etc. During his manic episodes I have caught him posting personal ads or emailing women.He's aggressive on the phone,too busy for me most of the time, bragging about himself, I'm tired of the ridiculous scenarios he wants to talk about. For example, am I gonna be able to deal with the lifestyle he's gonna have when he's really rich?(He doesn't have a car or his own place, and has had at least 25 jobs in 5 years.)In the book he's gonna write, he's gonna write about how women aren't equal to men, can I handle that? He decided he doesn't want to get married now, because he's gonna be really rich and wants the money to be HIS if we get divorced, I could go on and on. If I tell him he's manic, he will admit that he is, but that he has totally changed himself and his life for the better and that's how it is no matter if I like it or not.

I'm tired of playing along, how do I deal with this?

Hi Peppermint, I can identify with what you are going through. i am sorry, but I dont have the answer as to how does one talk to someone who is manic. My husband is bipolar for 17 of the 18 years I was married to him. Things are getting from bad to worse and I have filed for divorce. He went from online chatting and telling ppple there that his wife died 5 years ago, went out with a woman, continued with another one even after I discovered and forgave the first incident and now I just discovered he was seeing a filipino woman and had given her thousands of dollars. He was even about to go on a holiday with her and was planning to bring her back to Singapore where we live. I think he has been manipulated while he was manic, but when I tried to stop him from going out and drinking when he was manic, he would call me names like ungrateful bitch, money-minded, satan...etc... A few people on this forum advised that we should just walk out when they get abusive, take a walk until things quiet down. Perhaps that would be useful. But for me, my sanity was at stake and I guess he had crossed the line when he blamed the affairs, the lies, the spending, the nasty name calling, all on bipolar. Sometimes we enable bipolars by being around to pick up the pieces for them and they don't learn about being responsible for their actions and being accountable. So I have taken the first step by filing for divorce. In your situation, in trying to cope with your own BP, you have to consider if you really want this on your plate. Only you have the answers. Just hang in there, you will be enlightened with answers really soon. Just keep posting here, there are many kind souls here who will understand your situation, whether they are BP or a loved one has BP.... take care..

peppermintcarnation, I understand what you are saying mine does the same thing . Either you can ignore his talk of his ideas or i would say you have to go and hang -up . This way it cuts him off and he gets the idea As you know I am sure one has to have thick skin and not take what he says personally . Although it still hurts and is diffcult.

peppermintcarnation, I can so much relate to you ... however, I don't know any answers what you should say.

When my husband got manic almost two years ago he was acting and talking like your boyfriend. During that time I saw a psychiatrist, who told me that it would be good if I could stay calm, but she said that there were no way I could stop his mania or reason with him while he was manic. So, he left me and our children and run after his dreams. All this time he has been a complete stranger to me, too busy to speak to me. There has been no talk between us, not even about our children or our divorce. He just acts as if our whole life never existed.

CloseToBreakdown, my husband blamed the affairs, the lies, the spending, the nasty name calling, all on ME - he didn't feel like he was ill. He indeed told me that he has never felt better, and that I was the one who has made him ill.

Thank you so much for your responses, I think I do just have to ignore all the ridiculous talk. Sometimes he'll say something and I'll just get sucked in and start talking about it with him like last night and just end up all upset and sometimes I have anxiety attacks. I just need to focus on myself and my life I guess.

Hi Lena, you got it spot on when you said he blamed you for making him ill... My husband did too. After many years of struggling financially and coping with his outbursts, he turned around and said I deserved all the suffering because I was the one who caused his illness. He went out to look for women because I neglected him, he lost his job because I called in to his office to tell the other woman off... you get the gist. Maybe I have been enabling his BP, in the guise of taking care of him and loving him. Maybe I should practise tough love - just walk out and let him deal with the broken pieces....

CloseToBreakdown, wow, we must have had the same husband - or maybe they went together to same bipolar-collage to learn their behavior, comments and accusations ...

I did not call my husbands office thogh, but he lost his job anyway. And after that he run away with his secretary, he married her as soon as he could get divorced with me. He made a mockery of our marriage and family by doing this and all the other awful things. I am still extremely exhausted - just surviving and trying to cope with all that is lost. Take good care of yourself, Lena

Thanks Lena. Bipolar college huh? Im beginning to think there is one with so many sharing so many uncannily similar traits.... But you know someone on this forum said, its very easy for these BP people to blame it all on bipolar... But how much of these things have been him making crappy decisions and how much is bipolar? How do I know where he ends and where bipolar starts? Or is it all bipolar? Lots of other "normal" people out there have affairs, spend money without consulting their spouses, abuse their spouses etc... Are they undiagnosed bipolar?

I have lots of questions on my mind, but right now I am just blocking everything out. My husband is "very remorseful, very sorry" and looks like he is in depression mode. Or is he just acting, like the way he acted when he kept lying about the Filipino woman? I have lost my trust in him and feel that if I focus on the impending divorce and plan for a future without him, I can think better and feel better. If I start to have doubts about whether I should leave him, all the tumultous feelings start again in my heart and in my head - Is the woman still calling him? How much did he actually spend on her? Did he sleep with her? Should I open his credit card statement? Should I check his phone? - All these questions cease in my head when I tell myself that I am not responsible for his actions and that he should solve his own problems. For now, I'd rather have some peace of mind and be a good a mother as I can to my four children...

Sometimes we have to decide what we are and are not willing to put up with. Being bipolar does not give a person cart blanche to be treat others poorly. PERIOD. Yes, if they are in an episode there is little that can be done. Sooner or later they all come down and when they do they have choices to make. They can seek treatment, they can make a real attempt at controlling the illness. Contingency plans can be put in place for times they are out of control - but when they are down and they do nothing to attempt to ensure another episode is kept at bay or at least minimized we have to decide what will we continue to tolerate.

I have learned by enabling them to continue unmedicated and without treatment is our fault. Yes, out fault. We don't have to stay. But we do, and as long as we do and not under the proper circumstances we perpetuate the problem. The illness is not our fault. The illness is no one's fault. But the decision to allow it to continue falls to the individual and those who stay episode after episode.

I say this from experience. Right now I am dealing with one day of surprises after another - but not because he isn't trying. He is - and therefore I continue to hold one. My hubby's meds are kicking his butt from one end of the spectrum to the other. However, I am not angry at him. For years he lived in denial, he refused treatment - that is when I was angry with him. I may get frustrated, and if after a significant amount of time and trying we still can't get a hold of this disorder I will have to re-evaluate, but until then I am in for the long haul. However, if he gives up and stops the meds - I am done!

I believe this is the only action they truly understand. When those stands are taken a decision is made. They either get help or they don't. If they don't, then I personally will never feel guilty again - I will leave. We all deserve and entitled to a peaceful fullfilling life. It is unfair for anyone to deny another of that if there is something they can do.

I may sound harsh, but it has taken me a long time to wake up and understand what my boundaries are, the punching bag (verbally and emotionally) I have been and what I am willing to accept in the future. I think we all have to take stock at some point. It took me 11 years, everyone will be different - but eventually we have to take that hard look back, present and future.

Well said Susan. How does one enforce contingency plans when they are manic? I know my husband does not even want to listen to me when he is manic and he is very easily manipulated by others financially. But when he comes down and I broach the subject of financial control, he is resentful and says I am controlling. he will say I think he is worthless... he says he will manage and bear the consequences of his overspending but that's him talking when not manic. When he is manic, everything flies out the window. And he is on meds. When I took him to the Psydoc, all he did was order a blood test and arrange for a social worker to counsel us. That was 6 days ago. My husband had gone for his blood test, but no call from the social worker....