Bipolar in the family Support Group

Thanks guys. I've given him one month to get his act together and really deal with his BP. And our marriage. So we will see.

In the mean time, I've decided to start a blog to cover all of this "stuff" that goes along with being married to someone with BP. I'm guessing it will be more cathartic than anything, but I also felt that it was an area of information that was severely lacking online. Figured I'd share

http://manicmarriage.wordpress.com

I think that this blog is a good move, for yourself and for those who need to realize that what they are experiencing is not unique.

Thanks. I've been super hesitant. I want to be able to share, and be informative and witty...but not share so much that it damages anything with my husband/family. So it'll be a fine line to walk for sure. But I think it's worth it. So we'll see.

I tried to deal with it on my own and that only damaged me. Talking it out really helps. I wish I had known about this site and more about bipolar two and a half years ago.

Altan - I too believe dealing with it on my own for so many years was my worst mistake. Today I am very open about what is going on in our lives. I don't shout it to every person I meet - but I don't hide it. I ensure people who are around us knows he is on meds and has BP. I will no longer let others think everything is ok. For an episode will happen again and this time, those who are close will hopefully understand and not be manipulted into believing it is just "marital problems".

When I was diagnosed with cancer we had tons of support and meals brought to the house. In hindsight, I needed the support and meals when I was polarized by the events of extreme mania and couldn't face the day or want to get out of bed, more than when I had cancer.

People need to understand there are times hubby needs to just go and sleep, get away from the turmoil of a very active household, not have a drink with friends, etc.... Educating those closest to us, being allowed to talk it out, and not hide what is going on is extremely important.

Misshappy, I went to your blog and am very impressed. Keep up the good work of informing the public, family members and friends of the plight of BP spouses.

Susan, until today, my father-in-law blames me for my hubby's diagnosis after he had a psychotic episode one year into our marriage. Hubby was a final year student at Uni when we married. It was a mutual thing. I did not force him to marry me, contrary to what his family thinks. When he had his first psychotic episode, I did not know what hit us. His mother was diagnosed with cancer, he had to resit his final year exams and I just had a miscarriage. All these contributed to trigerring his first mania and subsequently, psychosis.

I struggled with his BP for years when he was in denial after the hospitalisation and refused to take his meds. I think his family doesn't even know what BP is and initially thought he was possessed or was the victim of witchcraft. When I filed for divorce recently and informed my father-in-law, he had a family meeting (without me or hubby present) and told everyone of hubby's siblings that it was my fault and I shouldn't have married his son while he was in Uni. So he is saying that I am in the wrong, I deserve to have a BP husband and I am a bad person for filing for divorce. I have been trying to educate his family members about BP. I sent them emails to let them know that his BP is draining on me. Although they are all educated people holding good jobs, I don't think they are actually researching about BP.

I really have no one to support me. My mom thinks my hubby is putting on act of being crazy to avoid responsibilities to his family. My hubby's family think I am cooking up stories and the "marital problems" are my fault.

I am currently receiving couple counselling at the IMH and taking anti-depressants to help me cope. My eldest son, at almost 16, has been diagnosed as BP after a recent suicide attempt. I am really losing control of the situation... I guess if not for my meds, the counselling and the listening ear I have here in these forums, I would have also gone crazy.... hence my nick, CloseToBreakdown... I cannot leave my BP hubby now that my son has been diagnosed. If I give up on my BP hubby, my son will think that I will also "abandon" him one day...

Post edited by: CloseToBreakdown, at: 12/05/2009 07:51 PM

CloseToBreakdown, it sounds like your husband or his family is trying head off the divorce by alternately blaming you for your husband's disorder then insisting that you remain presumably to help support the people you drove to madness. Psychologists call this a "double bind" and the conflicting aspects of such a situation can take you down as well. I would proceed with the divorce because clearly you "caused" your husband's bipolar and he should get much better once "the witch" is gone, right? Your son is a different matter. He needs to be reminded that you haven't abandoned him and never will. He and his father have a mood disorder that is not their fault but needs to be closely treated. You will help him get help.

It's very important that you take care of yourself and not get drawn up into the drama and BS. Take care of yourself first. It's not selfish, it's prudent. You do no one anygood by becoming a basket case yourself.

Hi Altan, I really get what you mean. I have filed for divorce, but my husband has "come down" from his manic episode where he was about to head overseas "for a work trip" involving a holiday with a Filipino bargirl. He is really, really sorry and has drawn up a list of things he has promised to do. My son was crying the other day and told me to forgive his dad. I did tell my husband that if I am such an inadequate wife and mother and if I am such a "witch", then he is more than welcome to come with me to court to settle the divorce amicably, so he can start anew with a better wife. He pleaded for a last chance and I am dragging him through all the counselling processes (the IMH's and the court's and probably even my son's counselling when he starts) and I am still leaving it as it is. I told my son that I cannot forgive his dad so easily, as happened a couple of times, so he will not take me lightly. I am trying to keep sane, although I was tearful for most of the time last month, the meds I am taking seem to be helping. I have borrowed and will buy soon, books on bipolar for my son to understand the illness. I have explained to him that he needs to be responsible for taking care of himself. My son is worried he will pass on the genes to his children and you know I really think he needs counselling so I shall start him on it soon. I told him I will be there for him no matter what. I have received great advice from many here to take care of myself, so I have seen the pdoc, because my hubby said maybe I am also bipolar. The pdoc said that I am depressed due to external factors. Even the counsellor said that I have been taking on too much blame for others that it was causing me a lot of distress.

I still am angry at my f-i-l. He is undiagnosed bipolar. He had always been seeking out other women much to the chagrin of my late m-i-l. After she passed away from a death wish (she actually went on a pilgrimage to ask God to take her life as she could not stand her husband's philandering ways), he married a very much younger woman within 3 months. They had a child and when the wife was out working, he started an affair with the domestic helper who was looking after the child. I am also angry at him cos he tried to be fresh with me. When I was newly married and stayed with my in-laws for some time, he approached me in a tiny towel and asked me to massage his back, saying he was in great pain, and he kept lowering his towel to the point where I could see his buttcrack.. How gross is that? very... and till this day I can't get over his attack on me, because he was angry that I told my hubby's family about it. Since then he has been accusing me of many things....

I am still going for counselling so I don't go nuts. I am trying very hard to take care of myself. I know I have many friends here in this forum who understands exactly how I feel...

Altan, my f-il is doing this double bind on me. He has refused to help and I know I can't count on him. I will have to learn to handle this... I know I can...

Closetobreakdown - your son needs you more than your husband. The stress you & your family are enduring from your husband & his family may even negatively contribute to your son's stability. There comes a point which you have to settle down your world regardless if others understand why you are doing it or not.

Kids love both parents, they want the perfect relationship - that is not always possible. Sometimes you have to make the tough choices for the best interest of the child. If your husband and his family cannot recognize their actions and impact on your son, you need to step up to the plate. If I thought for one minute my messed up life was creating an enviornment which fed my child's mental health to a point of suicide, I would have to make extreme immediate changes.

It is easy to blame the BP, but it is the individual's choice in how they handle it and maintain it. Your husband could step up to the plate, tell his family to accept and understand his illness, work to save himself to save his son. If your husband is not taking the proper steps and continuing his behavior inspite of your son's action - you are going to have to take the lead.

I have spent my fair share of time putting up with antics that in hindsight I could kick myself for; but I have always stood firm in when it affects the kids I am done! Problem is, when I thought it was only affecting me, in hindsight it was affecting them. My heart, my home, nothing.... comes before my kids - but I let BP be used as an excuse and did let my kids suffer.

I did let hubby return this last time against my middle son's wishes but with the understanding hubby would immediately take meds and therapy. This he has done and we are all moving forward. But if he so much as even thinks about coming off his meds or behaving as he has in the past - out the door he goes.

If it were me, I would play down the BP blame and explain to your son his father has made some choices in your relationship you cannot tolerate. I wouldn't add the guilt to your son over his suicide attempt as one of the reasons. If your son has BP it can be controlled. As much as he is concerned you will leave, what message does it send to what you will allow?

There are many people sucessfully managing their BP, when the family doesn't support you, the individual isnt' doing absolutely everything they can, and it is affecting others in extreme negative way....It is time to reassess.

I am sorry if I come across strong, I don't mean to and I know what I am saying is not easily accomplished. But I have been following you for a long time now, and like my life it gets terrible - then better - then terrible. The circle is never stops. I had to look at what was happening to me, my kids, our friends, family.... the BP had reached out and started to involve more and more because it was just out of control. I had to face the fact I needed to make extreme changes. Enough trying to tame the illness. Time to right the world for those who were deserving of my time and efforts. That was myself, my children and my job. Ironically, that is when hubby stepped up - but I was prepared to do it alone and perfectly content in my decision. I wanted him here and helping, but was ready to not have him here. Alcoholism is a disease but doesn't mean you have to stay with an alcoholic.

CloseToBreakdown,

Yeah, get the hell away from your father-in-law. He's no good. Get independent as soon as you can from your husband and his entire family. It's not your job to make them functional. It's their job. Your responsibility is to yourself and your son.

I think you'll find yourself with someone nice in the future. Spouses of bipolar people are patient and "nice". They have to be. We internalize that maybe we didn't try hard enough when the truth is that we bent over backwards to try to make things work. Something to remain cognizant of is getting attracted to another bipolar person. Don't start any harmful patterns.