how to get past the fear?

My prayers will be with you...best of luck...

PERFECT !!!!! this will go on the frig tonight... Thank you...

Babblej

I can certainly relate to the scarred and lonely when you are so very weiry. It does wear you down. You have every right to feel as you do, I don't know many people in your shoes that wouldn't feel the same way. There are so many people out here that face the same thing. I am amazed at how many struggle with BP in their family. My mother always told me that everyone has to live in their own skin. When I was very young I didn't quite understand that. I do now. You will make the right decision for YOU> and your children. Trust yourself and your inner voice. I'm grateful that I have the ability to trust my inner voice, our BP family can't trust theirs. I'm not always good at remembering that and it will take you and the others that try to weather the storms to help me do that, at least that's what I need the support group for . In my opinion reaching out for support to face the things you are facing right now is exactly what you should be doing for yourself. We all ask ourselves what WE did wrong, We didn't do anything wrong, trying to maintain balance is never wrong. Use your support system and let everyone help hold you up we can all limp all together.

Babblej

I used to feel bad because every one used to believe her lies about me hitting her. The last time the cops came, after she called them, they talked her into leaving and didn't even consider asking me to leave. They used to listen to her and assume I was the violent one. I have to restrain her sometimes and she bruises easily. I guess if you wanted to believe her you could, but I don't know who would hit someone on the elbow, or how for that matter! I used to feel sorry for myself because people believed her lies, or so I thought. Now I see it would be much worse if I were the weaker sex. That has got to be really frightening.

God bless you all. If it's that bad....leave, you deserve better!

I cannot thank you enough for the support and knowledge you all share and it gives me a strength I cannot explain to know what I'm doing is right. I have had to be sneaky but it's only to save my family. You are right in the fact that once I make that decision I will feel much better...and i do. I just am not sure how to make it happen without funds for a good lawyer and him not cooperating in leaving. If anyone has any tips on how to deal with this until can get him out let me know. The datestate.com thing I have no knowledge of whether it be grazing porn or signing up or just spam. The act of not leaving..why? He says he is miserable due to me so why stay? The blowing up..I'm not scared of his 2x my size but I won't have my children listen to me being mentally abused and let's fact it, them too at times. I'm scared I guess of a repeat of how my mom did. Cops there, frying pans chasing you and shoes flying in the air. It was hard and I don't want my kids to see that so I continue to be a door mat. Again, thanks for allowing me here, rambling and ranting. I miss the couselor that told me there was nothing wrong wih me just to hang in there so you are all my life coach to help sort this out. Your mind tends to run like a wild horse given little slep, lost of pain and more crap. Bless you all for being so open and giving me a brighter day.

With so much ugliness coming at you from the husband, your thinking can

turn into a snowball of emotions. Been there. Since I am thinking clearer today, let me offer up some of my thoughts. Continue to "rat-hole" some money for an immediate get-away, or for longer-term goals.

Realistically, with money being an issue, and having the Kids, you are the one who should remain in the home. You have got to STOP internalizing all the NEGATIVITY that the husband is throwing at you.

Resolve that what he says DOES NOT MATTER, and amounts to NOTHING.

If he is in your face, with his cutdowns....don't listen...mentally shut down to his comments, and say to yourself while he's running his head "You are a pathetic, uncaring human being, and nothing you say is worthwhile to hear.", or something along this line. And give him not rebuttal, feedback. A useful tool, I have practiced while listening to a raging drunk. You are too good of a person to lower yourself to think that anything ugly he says to you,should in anyway affect you.

And please, quit upsetting yourself about dating/porn sights....it doesn't matter. Remember he is WRITTEN OFF. Your mind should focus on you, the kids and the path together you will take. These kids are your future--the precious kids who can give so much love. But, I would matter of factly mention, or write him a note that leaving the TV channel on porn is not acceptable with children in the house. You have to DETACH from him, period. Only he can fix himself, and there may not be enough in his heart to motivate him to change.

At this point, he simply represents MONEY to keep a roof and necessities going for you and the kids. And please get out of the house for some peace...take the kids to the park or anywhere you can watch them and experience some JOY in life thru their eyes. To avoid dealing with him, you might try getting necessities for the evening set up in your room for you and the kids, and lock the door. If he comes raising hell, or trying to kick the door down--that is Domestic violence, and you can call the COPS.

He will get the message. You have so willingly taken on so much with the children and responsibilities and are one of "God's special flowers"----

remember that. You can take or leave some of my suggestions, but I want you to know, I am deeply touched by your turmoil.

Keep in touch!! Suze P

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 05/01/2008 08:36

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 05/01/2008 08:38

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 05/01/2008 09:45

You are so right about Crisis Mode. Infact, I don't know how to act without it, but will be learning!

As for sleeping in the bedroom with the kids and the door locked, gotcha...been doing that just because it feels so good to have my space!

I've been trusting in my brother to help with hiding my little secrets so that someone knows what is up and have a place to stash my "rat- hole" so that helps but his wife is the same as my husband and we both have to keep each other's secrets but that is just fine.

The only reason I was concerned with the sites or dating was wanting to know if I have an even weirder weirdo on my hands or just the typical "I want to see some naked girls" stuff to know if I should worry about my kids. I'm not to judge but I don't want it around the kids so I love your note but cable box i now gone. It was the only bill in his name and OH MY...I NEGLECTED TO PAY IT...so we just have the basic Nick and Disney stuff! As long as I can keep up with my Big Brother stuff, I could care less!

You were right on the money about the "stinking thinking" thing. Your mind is so tired and you have been bs'd so much you assume all and know nothing is impossible since the last time you believed! It's a tricky thing I call upon my angels to speak loudly to me about. Sometimes I just hear them to tell me to be still....and for me that is hard. Makes me wonder what the heck I asked for in this life!

As for the NOTHING that he has become, well, I have to watch my mouth. As I was walking past the girls' room and thought he was sleeping, I said in my head and evidently out loud "gross" and I think he realized what he means to me now.

So the kids are now fighting by this post time..sometimes it takes days to get here or days to just post and I can never spellcheck!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for commenting on me so positive about taking on my babies....you have no clue how many people have told me I can't do it and they don't know how I do. I wouldn't have it any other way and have told a few what they should do with their genes in one way or another because they are my reason and help me to realize I am a reason too. You are an angel and thank you for lifting me!