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damselndistress
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we have to remember that. Whether they are withdrawing, lashing out, just going through their cycle. It's not about us personally. Sure it affects us and we have to learn how to deal with that, and set limits if necessary, it's our human right to do that. But we just happen to be the people around them when it happens. To be in a relationship with them automatically sets us up for that. Any thoughts? |
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Momofboys
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I'd rather it be me than the kids or the people that he works with. I'm getting tougher and I know the things he says aren't how he really feels, but they don't know that. |
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NewDayDawning
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I agree that it's not about us, but I also think that a lot of spouses of untreated bipolar people (including myself) put up with way too much and are overly indulgent of hurtful behavior. If the bipolar person is in denial about the illness and won't seek treatment, and doesn't care that he or she is hurting loved ones, then that is not something the loved ones should feel they have to live with.
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heatherr
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Its not personal but at times it sure the hell feels like it. I take 99% of the shit. At work, he's peachy, to friends, he's peachy, to his parents and siblings, he's peachy...its just me that gets the abuse. There are days I feel like he just doesnt like me! Its easily the hardest thing Ive ever had to live with. |
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monty
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i do not know about being in a relationship with someone with a bipolar disorder. however, my brother has tourette syndrome. he has treated my whole family like shit for my entire life, and I hate him so much because of it. I was able to tolerate things for a lot of my life. but the last couple of years, I could not take it anymore. I have not spoken to him in like a year, and I do not intend to until he owns up to what he has done to our family. If a loved one has a disorder like that, I think they lash out at the people who they know would never abandon them. To some degree we need to help them through the tough times because they have to deal with things that we could never imagine. But eventually it will get to a point where you feel like you should not have to put up with their behavior. If you do not figure out a way to deal with their cycles in a healthy way, you may end up with a relationship similar to what I have with my brother. I understand how tough it is, and I wish you the best of luck. |
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bejeweled
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Until today I was taking things very personally. My g/f has done some pretty awful things. I have been struggling since she was diagnosed on Friday and esentially removed from the house. This is bigger then me, or her or us. She is not responsible for her illness, but she is responsible for her recovery. That to me wipes the slate clean. I am a recovering alcoholic. And the things I did to people when I was drinking were so much worse (and for so much longer.) She didn't know me then....I need to be careful where I start throwing stones. Today I am proud of her, one for not killing me or herself (baby steps), sticking with the plan of being away from the house and for taking the new medication. She is not well by any sense of the word. She is cycling very quickly with paranoia, delusions and depression BUT today she followed the program. We will see what tomarrow brings. It is hard to talk to her right now. She is scared and alone. I was there myself once many years ago. Alone even in a room full of people. She is asleep right now. I am thankful that I know where she is and that she is safe. I am also grateful to know that there is a name for this and have hope. She isn't there yet. One day at a time is what I can manage right now and all I really have. You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen
Do or do not. There is no try. -YODA |
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suzeP
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Monty...for 15 I am impressed that you came to this site where people share their problems and help others dealing with difficult family members. Yes, it does sound like a chaotic homelife with everything revolving around your brother's episodes. He probably has some other behavior issue going on with the Tourettes. You cannot change him, but you can work on improving your thinking about the situation. If not talking to him gets him to leave you alone, than so be it. I wouldn't be looking for an apology from him, because he may not have the mental "tools" for that yet, with all of his issues. You say you hate your parents. I would back off from that--they are probably doing the best they know how, in dealing with him. Do you think they envisioned a homelife like this when they decided to bring children into their lives to love? I think not. And in a few years you can get your act together and move out and build your own life, but he may have to continue to live with your parents, with all the stress he brings. About you having to do everything for yourself, as unfair as it seems now...you are building life skills, that some other spoiled, waited on teen won't have. You will appreciate later. Since you are almost 16, start thinking about a part-time job--it'll get you out of the house, and give you some peace (and money too!). I know sometimes it seems like you are the only one with a screwed up family...but behind the closed doors in neighborhoods everywhere,there are families dealing with Bipolar, alcholism, and other problems you can't begin to imagine. You will get thru this, try to be positive and hold your head up. It's not an impossible situation. SuzeP
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kateholland78
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I whole-heartedly agree that the destructive behaviors are all about "them" and not "you", but I do think it's important to remember that sometimes, the BP in your life has no idea how to even go about beginning to change their behavior. Even if they are getting counseling, it still takes time to learn how to live around the mood swings. So much of what we perceive in the world, and how we behave, are a direct reaction to our moods. Think of a time when you have just been so cranky, had a bad day, don't want to take anyone's crap, and in that mood you've said something, or treated someone a little more harshly than you ordinarily would. It's the same thing for us. And remember that we are trying to learn how to live AROUND our moods, to be normal and decent to other people no matter how we feel. It is a knee-jerk to just react to those moods. And it really does take time to un-learn those knee-jerk behaviors. I know that you all go through hell on the other side dealing with us, but I thought it might be helpful to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that most likely the BP in your life IS trying, even if it seems that they are not. It just takes time, a lot of time, and in the meantime, firm boundaries need to be set so that your BP knows what is and is not acceptable. It's the best thing to help them understand how to change their behaviors. In learning to know other things, and other minds, we become more intimately acquainted with ourselves, and are to ourselves better worth knowing.
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fairhopegal
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I agree with this. My husband, who has bipolar, is from a family of 9- 4 biological and 5 adopted. He holds a lot of anger toward his parents for not doing more for him (part the disorder but mostly his personality). This anger has really put him in a bad place. He needs a lot of therapy for this but hasn't gotten anything yet. under all of that he's a wonderful person but its hard to get past it right now. suzeP wrote:
You say you hate your parents. I would back off from that--they are probably doing the best they know how, in dealing with him. Do you think they envisioned a homelife like this when they decided to bring children into their lives to love? I think not. SuzeP Post edited by: fairhopegal, at: 06/05/2008 10:07 "Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it" |
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