BP/Borderline friend

Two years ago, right after our high school reunion that I didn't attend, she found me on myspace. In my introduction, I stated that I was bipolar, and she got back to me telling me that she had just been diagnosed as bipolar as well.

Now, I'm not an expert, but I do have six years of experience with this illness, and a lifetime of experience with borderline personality disorder that I have successfully overcome with much intense therapy, and I'm telling you, this girl is not bipolar AT ALL, she is simply 150% borderline.

Every other friend in her life has walked away from her - and this girl makes friends like crazy. She could talk to a doorknob and get it's life story. She has been dropped by so many people, her family is even getting to the point that they don't want to have any contact with her. And yet, I stay. I feel compelled to for some reason, I told my therapist that I pity her and that I feel bad b/c no one walked away from me, everyone reached out and helped me when I was sickest. She says the difference is that I could recognize that I needed help and helped myself along with everyone else, whereas my friend just sees it as everyone else's problem.

She has break-through moments as I call them where she admits that she doesn't want to be the way she is and that she thinks maybe she needs help, and that's what keeps me around. I care about her and I want to help her, but I don't know how to deal with her. Bipolar and borderline often go hand in hand, and they have very, very similar symptoms, so I think that all of you dealing with BP so's probably have some good advice for me.

I have always been on the other side of the fence, the one that people were putting up with, so I don't know how to do this. I try so hard not to be emotionally involved, not to take it personally, not to expect more than she can give, but I constantly find myself hurt and chagrined by her dramatics and lack of caring about my life. I know it is her illness, but I simply do not know how to handle it.

Do any of you have any good tips? I've tried to just back off from her, like I said earlier, not take it personally, but it still hurts. Part of me is thinking that I might just have to walk away, and I think of how many times I've told people that a person needs to hit rock bottom before they can change and that perhaps losing everyone they care about will bring about that desire for change, but it's only now that I've gotten to this point with her that I truly understand how hard of a decision that is.

Isn't it funny how God allows us to see things as we could never imagine seeing them? I mean, I would never have understood what the people in my life went through with me if God hadn't brought her into my life. It's a very bittersweet sentiment, but a blessing all the same...

He is also very intelligent, capable of anything he puts his mind too, knows a little bit about everything, is very social and outgoing. Can handle himself in almost any situation, except with me where he totally loses it.

It's a real paradox with the best potential a person could offer tangled up with the worst case scenario.

I hang on for the hope of seeing that wonderful amazing person shining through.

In the end maybe only you can determine the next right thing to do for her.

I backed away from a best friend who was bipolar and substance abuser to try to rattle him to his sense, the right thing to do right. well about a month later he overdosed or committed suicide. Un forunately he would not-orcould not- see our way of life. I've had to accept that some people can't and I think he was one of these. Yet I struggled with the guilt of backing off and never having the chance to recontact.

You know maybe the best thing you can do when she is admitting that she may need help is to hook the fish and reel her in. How to do that depends in large part on her depth of conviction, her sincerity, and willingness to do something.

Maybe let her know that most people don't go around wondering if they have a problem and that she is right to have concerns and 2- you believe that there is abetter way and ask her to trust you until she finds out for herself if she has to. Get her educated and introduce her to those who have recovered in the real world or here at mdjunction.

Sometimes finding people we relate to has astonishing effects. don't give up on her if she wants to try. If she doesn't you decide.

I'm bipolar and am marrying a borderline! She just loined keep an eye open for her SUGARLUV.

Take care,

Jeff Davis

Can you explain why you think she is Borderline and not Bipolar? Borderline does have very distinct symptoms, one of which is fear of abandoment. Is that what you mean because you said she is "too clingy"? Just curious

I copied the symptoms of Borderline from Damsel in Distress, I think these cover the main ones.

Wow this is a big question.

The borderline person is actually very insecure.

They seem to derive their self esteem from the feedback they get from others.

They often function very well at work but have difficulty in interpersonal relationships.

They create their own reality as most of us actually do, but it's a bit different from how the normal person views things.

When information is presented to the BPD person that differs their reality it threatens them very much they often rage, using defense mechanisms to protect themselves. Projection, Denial, Splitting,

The borderline person sees things in only black and white so they usually either idolize you or devalue you.

It goes back and forth.

When things are bad they view everything as bad and are not able to see both sides clearly.

You can look up BPD online and find the criteria.

They often inflict wounds on themselves as a way of releasing their pain.

They are people with a lot of internalized pain.

If anyone wants to correct any of this or add to it, please feel free. I am trying to understand this as best as I can and so far this is what I've come up with.

They also have problems with memory and object constancy. When you're not with them they will start imagining horrible things about you and their relationship.

Meaning from Madness is about the best book I have gotten that has helped me to understand the disorder.

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Post edited by: sugarluv, at: 05/16/2008 22:44

Just my humble opinion.

Also, on Mother's Day, he did not even acknowledge me with a call or give me a $10.00 box of candy. I know all about the selfishness, but I was hurt, especially with my friends telling what special caring things their kids did. I let him know how I felt, and asked him--"Is that all I am to you --Cha Ching, Cha Ching?" (The sound of a cash drawer opening). I also told him to be careful with his greed... "You may end up with the finest truck, and house, and no one will want to be around you." Where do you draw the line? He is so cold and selfish. "Broken personal relationships" would be a reality, if it were not for me carrying this SHAM of a relationship. I truly think he despises me. Likewise, I would not even pick him for a friend, yet he is my son living at my Dad's house,and I have to deal with him too regularly. These are my true feelings. Who would love this "unlovable" person if his own Mother feels this way?

SP

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 05/17/2008 21:10

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Post edited by: suzeP, at: 05/18/2008 00:15