Bipolar in the family Support Group

I filed for divorce a couple weeks ago but my husband's behavior has become more and more erratic. We have three children between the ages of 8 and 16. We've been seperated for a few months now. I just found out that my STBE (soon to be ex) is using prescription medications again. He has been using for several years. He lied and lied to me and in therapy and said he has been clean for 3 years. I had my suspicions but couldn't document otherwise. I also found out recently that he has put us in massive financial debt. Once again, he lied for years and said we were debt free. I trusted him. I'm not stupid, I was too trusting though.

Now I find out he has been unfaithful. Not only that be he has gone from a plugged in, doting father to someone that treats our kids terribly. He has developed an anger management problem and is nasty, I'm sure the cocktail of Rx meds he's taking has a lot to do with this.

I'm done with him, I've tried to fix him for years and I know I can't. The hard part is that my kids are a disaster. They're in therapy but they're lashing out which is uncharacteristic of them. Now they're not even seeing their father because of his medication use. They're not even safe with him anymore.

Wow... this is hard. I truly can say that I don't love this man anymore. The man I loved.... isn't him. It may never have been. For many years he seemed to be somone else but when his idyllic world wasn't so idyllic anymore he turned into someone I didn't even recognize. He first become depressed and things spiraled downward from there.

I feel like his whole life has been a lie for the past many years. I feel like I've been taken advantage of because I trusted him. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.

I finally got to a good place and I'm doing okay, handling this like more of a business transaction than anything.

My heart aches for my kids. I tell them over and over that this isn't their fault and that dad needs help (words suggested by therapist) and most importantaly that there's nothing they can do to help their father.

The man they loved, adored and gave their whole hearts to is now the person that has taken their hearts and stomped on them.

I finally realize we're all better off without him but this is a hard process for the kids.

Any words of wisdom regarding kids and a bp father? I don't see this man getting help for himself anytime soon. He blames everything on me and now says the kids are a reminder of his hurtful past. I wish I could tell him to get over it but he's not even worth talking to anymore.

Thanks for reading this. Have a great night.

I congratulate you on your courage.. I am still on the emotional roller coaster. My husband is in his anger, hateful , paranoid stage right now. I cannot love this person so why do I cry. I am so depressed. Your children are better without him too. My husband is so mean to my kids, his stepkids. ANd he thinks he is being stern and teaching respect and responsibility.. EVEN the dogs hate him with his nonsense. I am tired of the tears. I cannot help this man. I keep telling him to go to counseling...he was abused as a child and this with the OCD and bipolar are so exhausting to live with.

I will keep reading the first sentence of your posting...."I filed for divorce"...until I can get the strength to do the same. I cannot live waiting for two good days a month... I tried the better or for worse thing... I am tired of the worse thing. He will not get help, he disappears at odd hours of the day and night, and he thinks I am his enemy for asking him to get help. I am so depressed I cannot even fake a smile. I hope I can get your strength. Bless you.

bphoney, First congratulations on your decision to remove yourself and your children from such a toxic environment, very courageous. Second, your doing the right thing with the children by getting them some therapy ( your a good mom ) with time the children will detache from him and his abusive ways, kids are pretty resilient and with a mother who loves them and has their best interest at heart in time they'll be fine. Good luck in your new life.

BPHoney - I commend you for your courage to face life on your own terms. Sometimes, all you can do is save yourself. It's like the drowning person who drowns their rescuer. Maybe, he will eventually seek help, but you must do what's best for you and your children. I grew up with a nonmedicated bipolar alcoholic, so I have a general understanding of what you and your children have gone through.

Wife - You must seek help (counseling, etc.) for yourself. It is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT how he is behaving. Even though bipolar is an illness, we can choose to be treated for it or not. You must care for yourself and your family first, before you can continue to care for him, if you so choose. Please think about what I've said. Take care.

bphoney , you are doing all that you can for yourself and your kids right now Your right when you say that it is not a good idea for them to even visit with him under and if he does become stable . It must be hard for you and your kids right now but you will be in a better place by doing so . Goodluck and keep us us posted .

bphoney,

I have decided about a week ago that I no longer respect my bp husband. He has treated me and our girls like crap and then after 3 days of raging he will act like every thing is peachy keen. I can't keep going like this. He is in denial, so he is only on depression medication and no therapy. If he was trying I could also make an effort, but we don't deserve his irate behavior. I would file for divorce too, but we have a upside down house. I feel guilty staying and having my girls subconsciously think that mental abuse is acceptable. I am glad you have the courage to move on and teach your children that there are hard decisions to make in life, and they will soon realize that life can be more peaceful and healthy in the end.

This thread should be a reminder of the strength we all have within us, to do anything we put our minds to. It is not easy to leave a relationship; nor is it easy to stay in one when abuse is present, even though it is tied to an illness.

When dealing with a loved one, especially a spouse (and kids) with BP, to stay or to leave both show tremendous courage and strength. The skills each of us have gained through our interactions and ability to cope and keep moving forward each day, is a tribute to the inner-strength we all have.

I believe if we each look at our relationships and what we do just to get through each day, is lessons our children can draw from. Whether it is the strength to know when to leave and begin a new life; or how to cope with an individual who is unstable from a mental illness. Both have merit in the world of life lessons and all should be proud of how we manage to keep it together.

Hi wifeinned. I feel for you because I was stuck where you are for years. I'm not suggesting that divorce is right for you but it was the only option I was left with.

My BIG mistake was thinking I could motivate my husband to change. I thought I could get him help whether or not he wanted to accept it. I was in love with a person that really didn't exist anymore... if ever. I was trying to tap into my husband's "potential", but now I realize I wasted time with my "what ifs". I deserve happiness.

I have learned that dependence and love are not the same... even when we think they are. My husband had a way of making sure everyone was dependent on him, he needed that to thrive.

He got super nasty this year and he made me out to be the enemy and the person responsible for all of his indiscretions in the past. I couldn't take it anymore because I know I'm a good person. I have stood by his side when nobody else would... and he doesn't even appreciate it so good riddance.

Please know that you don't deserve to be mentally and/or emotionally abused. That is not love. Becoming dependent on someone whether it just means you have a companion, financially, etc. does not equate to love necessarily, either.

My only regret is not doing this sooner. It will not be easy, my kids have cried rivers and my husband doesn't seem to care. He cares about whatever drives him and supposedly brings him happiness. I don't know this person anymore... or maybe I never did. I think I knew the person he was trying to be which was not him at all.

He taught me a hard lesson but I've learned it and I can move on now. If you truly think you'll find happiness if you end your marriage, try to put the other hardships aside and do what you need to do. We live once. Find happiness, we all deserve it.

Thanks, I appreciate the support. This has been a tough road to travel.... I know better days are ahead.

Thanks for the support! I love the analogy you used about a someone drowning their rescuer, that is exactly how I have felt.