Wow well I think I have found my direction

I thought that's what I need and maybe it will help my husband too. Well I was right about both but not for the reasons I imagined.

I bought the CD's online through Amazon because for some reason the idea of that reading that book was nagging at me, it was what I wanted.

Guess what,

I'm in chapter 5 and guess what I'm finding out.

I have been a horrible wife to my husband.

No wonder he threatens to leave me, I'm lucky he's still here. I have spent so much time worrying about his disorder that I haven't focused on his needs as a man.

He tells me this over and over and I think, "Yeah that's just his disorder speaking." Guess what, every behavior that Dr. Laura has outlined as a mistake, I have done in my marriage. I don't think it was intentional, I think it was a reaction.

I don't think I can change the way I relate to my husband overnight, but I think I can try to make some slow changes in how I interact with him.

Dr. Laura has more books How to feed a marriage and How to feed your husband. I think I need both.

Wow I'm just kind of in shock right now.

I agree with Warhorse, please don't buy into the idea that everything is your fault. It always takes two to tango, so to speak. Having said that, I do want to say that I think becoming aware of your part of a problem is always a good thing, and if this book has helped you do it, then good. Because, like I just said, it always takes two to tango, so nothing is ever the fault only of the person with illness. Congratulations on your new self-awareness, and do pleas be careful not to take the blame too heavily on your shoulders. He certainly has helped contribute to the problem. I wish you good luck in your efforts to heal your relationship and my prayers will be with you.

Yesterday it was the self awareness of wow I've done a lot of things wrong.

Today it's more but how does that relate to him and us.

I don't know.

It has been my experience that when we are tired, weiry, and just wore down; we will be very willing to accept responsibility for not only our actions; but others as well. When the light bulb of Self Awareness gets turned on at first the light can be blinding. Be careful to only take ownership of your actions. Recognizing yourself and taking responsibility for what you consider mistakes is a huge step forward. Once the light bulb has been turned on with in you, it may get a little dim at times but will never go completely out again. It seems to me that you are moving in the right direction; you are open to looking at yourself and what you can do to make things better. Please be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up because you were just doing the best you knew how to do at the time, with what you knew at the time. As you become more aware and grow stronger, it will be very tempting for others to keep you in a familiar place. I hope you can continue to grow and move forward for yourself. Like who and what you are, and be all of who you are. Just sharing some food for thought. Congradulations on your new awareness. Good for you...

Babblej

It's conflicting because I was going to focus more on giving appropriate feedback, now this. The appropriate feedback seemed like a good tool. I think the two may conflict with one another.

Also tell me what you think of this.

Based on my recent reading, if I try to eliminate the rages it will only encourage them to happen. So I am going to put the rages as farthest from my mind as possible. If and when they happen I am going to try hard to control my emotion and thoughts to not feed the rage, staying sympathetic and not having any negative reaction afterward, if he wants to kiss and make up I will.

Seems opposite of what I should do but what I was doing trying to detach and feeling emotionally affected during and after I'm not sure has worked so well for the last 10 years. What do you think?

I believe that we have no control over the rages that occur in other people. I agree with you that it is a good idea to work on how to handle our own behavior during and after the rage. This is a huge struggle for me also. I believe that there is a difference between riding the wave of the bipolar rage, and allowing ourselves to be emotionally, mentally, verbally or pyshically abused. There seems to be such a fine line. And personally I can have difficulty recognizing that myself. I do think the person that is in the state of rage is not in a reality space at that point. I have been successful at times at talking calmly and not buying into the stimuli that is being fed to me at the time. I have learned to make two attempts at talking the bipolar person down by making it what I call all about them. When I say that I don't mean blaming the situation on them and making it their fault, or giving them exactly what they want,but letting them know that I am trying to focus on what they are needing from me at that time. And what I can do to make things better for them. Letting that person know that I am there to help address anything they are having issues with. But not as you say allowing it and then just becaue he want's to kiss and make up that you should feel you need to do that whether you want to or not. That will always be a given, after the rage comes remorse.... When the second attempt has not been successful, I try to take myself pyshically out of the situation, even if I have to just drive around in the car for awhile. I have not always been succesful with that either, After the rages it does take some time to digest all that has been said and done. I think it is important to address the issues you feel warrant attention, let the others as you say go. I will let you digest some of my thoughts on the matter for awhile, there is a reason they have nicknamed me Babble >>>>>>

If you read in my post somewhere here I am reading Eckhart Tolle's new earth. He talks about a pain-body that exists as an entity. We all have them and they exist at different levels in each of us. When we feel our mood shifting and we start conflict it's actually not us but the pain-body that has moved into us. Often it is recognized by a funny look in the eye. The real person has no clue as to what's going on it's the pain-body speaking. The pain-body needs to feed and does so regularly on drama, and negative emotion.

Sounds very much like my husband. Sometimes the pain-body can reside in the person for several days, seen this too I look at his eyes and try to stay away until I see signs that he is himself again.

This explanation fits as good as any other I can think of. Even though I don't react to my husband verbally, if you could read my mind it's not good. I'm sure the pain-body if it does exist picks up on my negative emotion and is fulfilled by it. I see my husband increase or decrease his intensity based on my reaction. If he doesn't think I'm reacting enough he takes it up a notch.

It will be interesting as I learn more about this how things seem to me now???