I need advice

I was active here up until about the first on the year.

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but his actual diagnosis is borderline personality disorder, well he's a cluster B so he has narcissitic personality disorder and sociopathy too. None of it is any fun to deal with.

We have been married will be 14 years in May.

I was lead to the book Walking on Eggshells by a counselor I saw that specifically deals with borderline personality disorder.

It's really a handful to deal with where the person is triggered into outrages over the drop of a hat.

At the end of the book there is a site that you can go to like this one to talk to partners of BPD people.

I've been there since I left here and have learned a lot. But everyone there is very negative.

It's like swimming with pirahnas. Many have left their partners and have a very negative outlook for any hope of living with a BPD. I've been called delusional, and other unhelpful things for thinking I can have a relationship with my partner.

The people that have left their marriages must harbor resentment and it comes out in their communication and it is ugly and hurtful.

One by one people leave their relationships almost as if caving into peer pressure.

In the last two days I met the final straw when the subject was brought up on whether BPD's should have children. I have 4 children with my husband. You should have seen the negative remarks that were coming from the mouths of the posters. It was very hurtful.

I told them so and they basically said they didn't care how it made me feel. There words threatened the very existence of my children by saying no child deserved to have a BPD father. I asked is it better not to have life? Should have I aborted my baby?

Still no compromise. No one was willing to say that life was sacred enough that no one should judge who should live and die. Often times that is the level of hatred I feel they have towards BPD that they feel as if they don't deserve to have life.

Such awful thoughts on my part I know. I try to let things go and not react. More and more though I'm feeling it isn't a healthy place for me to be when I try to remain positive. Why should I have to battle their negative opinions?

At the same time I am also afraid to do this thing alone.

It's very stressful and it's hard not to have anyone to talk to.

I've done much reading and am scheduled for a counseling appt with my husband 2 weeks from today.

I feel alienated and alone and scared.

They may see me as a different person. They may think I just go crazy and react to things they say and blow things out of proportion. I just know I don't need to be in a place that is going to have such a negative impact on me. I think I deal with enough negative in my life already.

What do you think? What should I do? I'm curious to how this situation sounds to people not emotionally involved in the dilemma.

I'm sure the majority of the people there would not question me returning.

I did make a comment that I would be taking the weekend off, and that I felt like I needed to limit my time there and find a more positive path for myself.

I had one x of a BPD quickly yelling at me on my way out and another new poster who doesn't even know me making accusations at me.

I thought this is not how I need to spend my Saturday and departed.

I have not had a desire to go back but find it hard to think of it being out of my life all together.

It was comforting to be in the company of people who have dealt with this disorder until the attacks and the negativity come into play and then it gets very distressing.

I can recognize that my presence there may be a slap in the face to some not that I ever try to elude to such. Just feeling sad.

I am sorry you have been struggling without much support,and know how important it has been for me.

Hugs,

Terri

maybe they are not the right group of people to be hanging around with. i mean i don't know them, but it sounds like a toxic situation. if they are 'done' working things out, then why are they even involved in the group?

yes, it is pretty tough slogging through this stuff feeling alone. if there is enough in your relationship to keep you there and you are set on sticking with it, then you need to find thingsg that help you do that.

as far as the talk of people supporting abortion, one way or the other, that is really unhelpful. REALLY unhelpful. i am sorry you had to put up with that. if someone said that about my/our kids, i would basically be inclined to think some pretty nasty thoughts about them. NOBODY has the right to judge you or say things like that.

As far as great people who have BP and have changed the world for good, there is a long list of famous artists, politicians, writers, actors etc. Should we consider them a waste of skin? Well, Bp is only one part of these people. Let's look at the whole package.

Where i see people feeling unable to have hope/patience is in the same way many ordinary people do with any relationship. If it's 'too hard', we quit. If it doesn't come easy, we quit.

Here's an analogy: If you got thrown onto a white-water river raft and you had no paddle, no life-jacket, no training, no idea where the river ahead gets rough....then, you will probably quickly decide that rafting fucking sucks. And in such circumstances, who could disagree with anyone feeling that way? The thing is you can jump off and swim to shore, or maybe you can survive this set of rapids and figure things out for the next set. I mean this isn't a perfect metaphor. Some people get thrown off the boat and that's that.

In my opinion, the medical system is much to blame. Many people don't get the right help, or the help they get is very unhelpful. The drugs they give people seems to often screw things up worse. In our circumstances, that was the case, we nearly drowned a few times. If people got the right help, (that mean positive input) as soon as possibel, they would be alot better off.

I am beginning to ramble.... well, i know there are alot of supportive people on here who won't abandon you. you are not alone!

all the best to you, keep in touch.

Post edited by: plugginalong, at: 04/20/2008 19:14

Just a little update on us:

Things are going okay.

He freaked out about 3-4 weeks ago and went into a rage and then we had a calm period and then about a week and a half ago he freaked out on me again.

He just left today for a business trip and will be gone for a week.

The appointment with the counselor was delayed until after he gets back.

How are things going for you, Terri?

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 04/20/2008 19:22

i mean obviously every situation is different. but, i am pretty insistent on being insistent. if what you are doing isn't getting results, things should change.

I've thought I should let a little time pass peak in and just see who's there and if it's a friendly group, chat a while. It might really help to not totally cut myself off,

I also thought Wow I'd do better with a Christian group who would be loving, supporting, encouraging, forgiving and just keep my real issues to myself. It would be healthier than what I'm listening to.

I see no point in confronting people that have no desire to change and don't care how they make others feel. Not so surprising that marriage didn't work out for them is it?

I appreciate your effort in reaching out to me-plugginalong.