ltfcrazy
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It's enough when YOU say it's enough. As I look back at my relationships I realize that she is not the first person with a mental illness that I have been with. I attract and am attracted to people with mental problems because of MY mental problems. The pain inside of me draws the pain inside of them. It usually isn't noticeable until after some type of contract has been signed...marriage license, baby, she bought something expensive for me, etc. Once there is a hold on my guilt...the addiction to negativity in both our brains comes out and feeds the cycle. I say something mean, she acts out, I feel hurt she feels hurt and we play out the drama that we've both been conditioned to want throughout our lives. After doing for several years and seeing it manifest itself in my children...I decided to stop. She is bipolar and can't stop herself at times, so it is my responsibility to shut the F up and wait. She eventually stops because there is no negativity for her to cling to. I remain calm and present in the moment. I do not rehash old grievances, I do not worry about future dramas. I stay locked in the moment and she calms down, and I calm down. The fight we were having then seems silly to me. At times I could actually laugh if I thought it wouldn't set her off. It's not the subject matter of the fight because it is rarely very important if you can even remember what started it in the first place. It's the addiction to self pity and drama that we both have. The great and tragic story of ME! Who cares what has happened. Who cares what will happen. All that matters is what's happening and what I can do to make it positive....again what I can do....not what anyone else can do. I can stay in the NOW and let all that baggage drop. It's very liberating. My breathing returns to normal, my heart rate slows down and the elephant gets off my chest. This is how I live for today, and this is how I will ask God to help me live when I wake up tomorrow. If God is with me, and He is, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME? |
