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04/11/2008 11:32 AM

Bipolar and lying

NewDayDawning
NewDayDawningPosts: 170
Member

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I'm wondering about the connections between bipolar disorder and lying.

My husband is bipolar, and very suddenly walked out on our 20-year relationship a few weeks ago. He was in the middle of a severe manic phase, not taking his meds for the mania (Abilify), and was fired from his job for his wacky behavior, and a few days later announced to me that he'd fallen in love with a woman he had met on the Internet (never met in person). He had to tell me many lies in the weeks prior in order to cover up his not taking the meds as well as the emotional affair he was having with this woman via secretive emails and phone calls. He has since run off to Canada to be with her. I've been hurt very deeply by his actions. I know I can never trust him again and so I do not hope for any reconciliation. He left me with 6 pets to take care of, and piles of bills he refuses to help pay.

Previously he had been fired from a job a few years prior, and revealed to me at that time that he's had a number of encounters with prostitutes and had been secretly drinking (he's a supposedly "recovering" alcoholic) and pill-popping (painkillers). We went to marital counseling (this was about 5 years ago) and I decided to stay with him and try to salvage the marriage. He claimed to feel very guilty about all the lies, and promised to be truthful from then on, and I thought our relationship was on the mend, so I was devastated to find out about this latest emotional (now also sexual) affair. I believe he is still in a manic state, now completely off all meds including the anti-depressants, and is taking this new woman for a ride in the same way he did me -- conning, lying and manipulating to get what he wants from her (sex, ego boosting and security).

I've read that lying is associated with bipolar disorder, esp. in an uncontrolled/untreated manic phase. I'm wondering what others have experienced in regard to bipolar and lying. Do you think the lying is caused by the bipolar disorder? Is the bipolar person able to control it? Should they be held responsible when they lie just like anyone else would be? Can they ever be trusted?

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04/11/2008 11:54 AM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Welcome, NewDay... so sorry to hear about all that has happened to you. BP is a very nasty disease, indeed...

I will try to answer some of your questions: "I've read that lying is associated with bipolar disorder, esp. in an uncontrolled/untreated manic phase. I'm wondering what others have experienced in regard to bipolar and lying. Do you think the lying is caused by the bipolar disorder?" Most definitely. "Is the bipolar person able to control it?" Gloria? "Should they be held responsible when they lie just like anyone else would be?" Gloria? "Can they ever be trusted?" Yes, once they're properly medicated again.


04/11/2008 11:59 AM
NewDayDawning
NewDayDawningPosts: 170
Member

Thanks for your reply, Warhorse. In my husband's case, he would drop the mood stabilizers and take extra anti-depressants in an attempt to prolong and intensify the mania, a state which he enjoys. At least in his particular case, I think the odds of him ever being properly medicated are long, because he won't take the meds as prescribed. He also refused the stronger meds his therapist wanted to put him on (this happened earlier on the same day that he left our marriage). When he's "on a roll," he simply does not want to get off it, no matter how much harm he causes.

04/11/2008 12:40 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
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Unmedicated.....expect the unexpected...... I think lying is a human trait and is not "caused" by bipolar disorders. Sure we can control it, but during a manic episode use it to help make us seem superior and help us "win" , remember, our inhibitions are lowered..... should we be held accountable.....oh you betcha...disorder or not, we are adults and should be treated as adults...we are not raving maniacs...in most cases...lol....as for trusting us in the future.......medicated, if the meds are right and we are being treated successfully, we are as trustworthy as anyone......but remember...we all lie even little white ones count...so don't write us off if we have "human" behaviors.

04/11/2008 01:09 PM
NewDayDawning
NewDayDawningPosts: 170
Member

I think lying was my husband's way of trying to control situations, by controlling what I and others knew about him. For instance, he would lie about taking the Abilify when he wasn't actually taking it, thus allowing him to continue in a manic state without having to discuss it with me or with his therapist. He felt he was more in control by lying versus having to make a case to me or to the therapist for why he shouldn't have to take the Abilify. Similarly, with the promiscuity and the drinking and pill-popping, he wanted to indulge and didn't want to have to tell me about it and have to deal with my hurt feelings, so he lied so as to be in control without having to actually be accountable or responsible for his real behavior.

I'm having a hard time sorting out whether this dishonesty on his part is just a character flaw, or is really directly connected to him being bipolar.


04/11/2008 01:39 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
VIP Member

NewDay, I don't like people who, "pussy foot" around honest answers that may put them in a controversial position. I really hate me when I do it. So, here is my answer to your original questions, through my bipolar eyes.... He is a lying, cheating bastard!!!!. He might be bipolar but that is not the, "catchall", for low moral standards. Hell yes he is accountable for being an asshole!!!!! I wouldn't trust this guy again for all the tea in China!!! Sorry if you are offended, I really am. I will probably get my butt in trouble, but I am who I am. Dump this deadbeat and file for divorce. Take him for everything he has or ever will have. You earned it after 20 years. Go woman....do me proud!!!!!

Love

Gloria


04/11/2008 01:54 PM
NewDayDawning
NewDayDawningPosts: 170
Member

I'm not offended, morningglory. We are already physically separated by hundreds of miles, and I'm pursuing legal separation and divorce.

04/11/2008 01:56 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
VIP Member

sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet go girl how dare he do this to you after you devoted 20 years........my heart is with you.....

Love

Gloria


04/11/2008 02:01 PM
NewDayDawning
NewDayDawningPosts: 170
Member

Thank you! I can (and have) put up with a lot in a relationship, and I have tried to understand my husband's condition and to be supportive in his treatment, but I can't stay in a relationship in which someone is lying to me with impunity and seemingly feels no remorse whatsoever.

04/11/2008 06:28 PM
TerriTee
TerriTee  
Posts: 3989
VIP Member

Hi, NewDay,

If he is not willing to commit to getting himself better, than I agree it is definitely time for you to move on. It sounds as though you've put up with a lot and been very supportive for a long time, doing more than your share to make the relationship work. We're here any time you need to talk!

Terri Smile

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