Bipolar in the family Support Group

Hello everyone,

My husband is BP1, just diagnosed in March after the police ended up at our house (screaming, breaking windows,etc) and he was hospitalized. He definitely has rage issues while manic. Since his hospitalization, things have ranged from just-tolerable to really-great. But this week, a band that he is OBSESSED with was on tour and he wanted to go to a series of shows. We had tickets, place to stay with family, I had time off work, etc. But right around then we also found out we probably had to move to a different apartment due to $$, we began a bankruptcy filing, he had his disability application denied, etc. So lots going on.

Rage was building over the last couple of weeks, which caught me off guard because he has been so much more stable lately. And night before we were supposed to leave, I came home to smashed dishes and full-on rage, which has lasted for aobut 5 days now. We didn't end up going to the shows and he has been so angry with me about it (this is normal pattern of his--get so cranked up before something he wants to do that by the time it rolls around he is paralyzed with mania and blaming someone else for it). Given the condition he was in, I couldn't force him in the car (by then he couldn't get himself to leave the house), drive 13 hours to go spend 5 days at his family's house (huge trigger), driving several more hours a day to and from shows of his favorite band (his other major trigger). He hasn't touched me, but lots more broken stuff, and verbal abuse that literally goes on for hours.

Obviously predicting this reaction and helping to stop it before it started would have been great. But I missed the boat on that one, and so did he. So now I'm trying to learn how best to deal with the rage. Also reading "Loving Someone with Bipolar" and trying to add to my "What Works" list. For years I would fight back or cry. Now that I know that there is illness involved, I'm much better at detaching emotionally from the situation. But I still don't know what, logistically, to do. Sometimes it helps if I leave for a few minutes to walk the dogs. Sometimes that makes it worse, plus he often threatens suicide and it's REALLY hard to leave in the middle of that. Almost always if I convince him to smoke MJ he will be calm within 20 minutes and able to get some perspective. But of course that's illegal and not a great crutch. He's on all his meds, but has definitely checked out of any active way to improve his health--exercise, yoga, etc.

So... I guess I'm looking for some advice here. What has worked in helping your BP loved one in the middle of manic rage?

Thanks and be well!

SuzyB - there isn't much you personally can do; and if he is that out of control - you have to remember there is always always the potential it could turn physical towards you. A blind rage is just that - it is blind.

You don't know what is in his head and you are right - there is no way to know if going or staying is will make it better or worse. You need to contact his dr or therapist. Rage while not physically directed at you is still rage, and it only takes the wrong step to potentially turn into physical.

I have gone toe-to-toe with mine; I have cried; there have been times I believe he wanted me to fight back so he would have an excuse to come after me - never smart either way. Rage is dangerous and you need distance. You must contact someone, ask for their guidance and potentially be prepared to have him removed for his safety and yours. Something is out of sorts - whether it be the meds or not you cannot be certain. And you cannot put yourself at risk. There are all sorts of advice you can find for calming someone, but days on end of rage with throwing & breaking things is beyond a moment of rage & an indicator of something more. There is also no way of knowing if the immediate effects of MJ, may not have other negative lasting effects. I personally would not recommend further self help and reach out to the experts or if necessary the local police; who can have him admitted to find out what is happening.

My thoughts and prayers are with you; with Godspeed good luck and let us know how you are.

SuzyB , Welcome to the group nothing you can do really except to take care of you , As you said walk the dogs even though mentioned it could be for days and that is tough for sure. Mine bf is maniac quite a bit as well . It is so hard to know sometimes what triggers them or when they will occur have you tried mood charts?

HI SuzyB,

Welcome to our spot on the net. Much support here.

Nothing you can do. Protect YOURSELF from their behavior, try not to get sucked in and lose yourself. Yes, this is very hard to do, you already seem to be doing a lot with emotional disconnecting.

Shouldn't he be on a little more meds at this time? Ask him or his pDoc about this.

Really sorry to hear your story. It's soooo frustrating. Lack of affection is frequent I noticed when hitting the 'high-notes' of hypomanic, or in mania. Watch out that that doesn't turn into affection for someone else!

The rage? Neighbors have heard so many loud arguments at 3, 4am, it's embarassing.

My wife is unmedicated 6 weeks now. Met someone at a party, had sex, then moved out a week later. Manic? Quite. The comedown will be dangerous for her - she's convinced she doesn't have BP anymore, and the people she's with are anti-meds. The guy she met is back in prison now.

FUN.

Post edited by: TerriTee, at: 08/16/2009 06:02 AM

Post edited by: checksinthemail, at: 08/16/2009 11:52 AM

Hi Suzy,

Im sorry to hear that you have a rough time...

It sounds like you are strong.

The first thing I can say is, make sure he can get professional help from a psychiatrist. Having a therapist too helps manage things.

Aside from that, I find I have to not react too much to my mother's episodes. She also engages in throwing,verbal threats towards me, and unsafe behavior.

I find if I leave, it somehow makes her more enraged.

If i let her go through her episode, and go to another room-its better.

Keep yourself safe- if you find he is getting too violent, then call the police.

Let him know you love and support him, but that he must follow a plan for controlling the episodes. Maybe work on a plan together.

My prayers and hugs to you,

Kari

Thank you all for your responses. It is such a relief to be able to admit all of this.

I find myself writing things here that sound like the worst movie script ever written. If it were in a movie, it would have to be a comedy because it is far too unbelievable to be a drama. Ugh.

Wishing you all a peaceful night...

But it would be too sad to be a comedy.

I can just imagine a laugh track going on during all high-energy bad times. It still wouldn't make it funny.

Here's to a better day to all.

there is not much you can do but to protect yourself.

True story. a girl was just murdered by her ex fiancee days after he was released from the mental ward at the hospital, he then hung himself. he was apparently suffering some sort of bipolar episode.

protect yourself first. I would not live in the same home as someone that has the potential to turn on you.