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07/18/2009 04:25 PM

I don't know how much more I can take.

Jado777
Jado777  
Posts: 1
New Member

To start, my name is Jacob, and I am 15 years old. I am here because I do not know how much more of my mothers Bi-Polar personality I can take. I don't know what to do anymore, my mom is impossible. There will be those great few hours when all is well. No yelling, no screaming, no crying. But that's just a few hours out of the day on select days. Now the rest of the time is filled with screaming and yelling. She has never physically abused me and my two siblings, just lots and lots of yelling and obsceneties. Later on she always says sorry, but it hurts all the same. She knows what she is doing is wrong but she can't help it. Her insurance covers 80% of the price for her medication and we still have to pay upwards of $150. And we just can't afford that, we barely qualify for the government help we do get, me and my siblings are covered by the state so we don't have to worry about us. It's just so hard sometimes when one minute she's yelling at me calling me names, and the next she's on the floor crying, it's just too much. I don't even know how much longer I can tell her "I love you" anymore, and I know I shouldn't, but I'm begining to question her love as well. The worst thing is,we believe I have it as well, and when two bipolar people rub the wrong way, sparks are gonna fly. I just can't stand the crying anymore. Everyweek, it's a huge jumble of emotions. I can't remember the last week I haven't cried at least once in. It's eating me alive, and when I look at her, I know I don't want to end up like her. I don't want to have to make my family suffer because of my problems. And she's my only parent, my dad ran away when I was 4. I have nowhere else to go because she has disowned the rest of my family (she was abused as a child) and when she screams at us, I know she thinking that at least we don't have to go through all the physical and sexual abuse she went through. But that's just it, we didn't have to go through it, verbal abuse hurts just as bad. I'm sorry for going on like this, but I'm dying inside. All I can do is cry now, and wait until I turn 18. My mom tells me all the time "your going to move away and never come back again" I really don't want this to be true, but if I have to deal with her like this, I don't know what I will do. The smallest thing sets her off, Like a match to gasoline, changing the channel, saying the wrong thing. Anything! Even when i do watch what I say, she turns it all into a huge big deal! She blows everything out of proportion. Please, I dint know what else to do, I know this isn't healthy for me, I have a feeling this will affect the kind of person I am when I get older. I look at all the other familys, with normal mothers and fathers and I just break out crying. Why can't I have that too? Is this my fault? I always tell my friends, they don't know how good they have it. I may have nice things, but I would give it all of it just to have a normal and loving mother and father. Please, I don't know where else to turn.
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07/18/2009 05:50 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

Jado777

Is she under a doctor's care taking meds and seeking Therapy? Also are you seeking therapy for yourself if not getting a formal eval for yourself? It did does sound like she may need some more help whether it be adjustment of meds . Remember you need to be going out too and being with your friends at this point as well to help you cope .

By the way welcome to the group

I am glad you have joined us

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 07/18/2009 05:53 PM


07/18/2009 07:53 PM
nichol
nicholPosts: 6
New Member

hang in there jacob! iam 27 and swear i just read my biography (minus the nice things) this is not your fault. i really wish i had better advice but unfortuantley i feel just as lost as you. your steadfast love for her is very sweet and make sure you keep it. even if it means being away from her for a while. there is one thing i know and it may hurt to hear but you cant fix her so dont damage yourself trying. but you can do what you are doing. reaching out for help. if only i had that sense at 15. we were pretty isolated so i thought everyones mom was crazy. but remember you cant help her if you need help yourself.

07/18/2009 08:10 PM
indice
indicePosts: 234
Member

You did not create this situation.

You did not ask for this situation.

Nothing you've done could have prevented this illness from doing what it does to people.

It is NOT your fault.

If you can find a therapist or counselor to talk with, you need to do so for YOU. You're going to need to take care of yourself first and foremost. There are coping skills for stress, and tactics to take to avoid being pulled in to the throes of this horrible illness. Then, then you might be able to better withstand whatever ill wind blows.

It is a very unfortunate situation. PLEASE remember you've found yourself in this, and had nothing to do with the trauma, or illness, or even its triggers.


07/18/2009 09:34 PM
sc4070
 
Posts: 1217
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Welcome Jacob. First I would like to tell you how very impressed I am at how well you can articulate your feelings and your situation. As a mom of three boys, 14, 16, & 27 - I don't know if any of them could do as well as you have. You have had to grow up too soon, and I am terribly sorry and give you all the hugs I possibly can.

I grew up with an alcoholic mom, and had to seek treatment for her many times, my dad was on the scene but busy with his own personal interests - so I dealt with much of it. From embarrasing to frightening the emotions are very difficult especially at your age. I encourage you to seek out a counsellor at school and ask for help. You can't do this alone and shouldn't be expected to. If your family is tied to a church or other religous organization seek the support of the clergy. Find a neighbor or someone you trust and ask them to be part of your support team.

We are here for you, but you need more than voices over the keyboard. You need real physical hugs. Realtime help. You deserve the right to be a teen - your tears should be for the typical things teens cry over. My heart and prayers go out to you - but I beg you to please reach out to an adult near you that you can trust.

My kids have no clue about the cost of meds or that only a percentage is paid. And I am thankful they don't. I am very very impressed with you - and your mother should be proud. I believe deep down she is and she knows. Her issues are hers and she needs to deal with them, but it isn't your place to tell her that. You need an adult to start taking charge, and looking out for your interests.

Again we are all here to help - anytime. Bipolar can be dangerous and you need an action plan in the event it escalates - please keep us posted. If you need additional places to research for help let us know and we can throw out more ideas - but start with the ones you know and trust first. I bet they can guide you - especially at school.


07/19/2009 01:29 PM
gracie24
Posts: 86
Member

I can relate to your feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and despration. I felt that growing up with my mother, who I'm sure was bipolar, but she would never admit or seek treatment for it.

I can see myself in your words. Obviously you've had to grow up too fast and that is so hard. You are an amazing person for being able to express your feelings.

In my case, I had to get away from my mother. I moved in with my dad when I was 13 (I'm 22 now) and haven't seen her since. She only communicates with my brother and her new husband. She also disowned her family.

BELIEVE ME, I understand. You are in a tough place.

But trust me, you don't have to be marked by this forever. This doesn't mean you'll be a bad adult or bad parent one day. Keep strong for your siblings.

You've found a great place. People here are amazing. Keep your chin up!


07/22/2009 07:06 AM
karendwd
Posts: 70
Member

Jacob .. welcome! I have a 17 year old son whose father is bipolar. He has gone through many of the things you have such as the name calling and screaming. I talk to him constantly about what is going on and why it is ging on. I know you dont have that at home, but you might be able to get that at school. When you go back to school, talk to your guidance counselor about getting some sort of counseling for you. I know it might be difficult for you to get therapy that your mother would have to take you to, so if you can get any kind of therapy at school where they come to you then that might be good. <HUGS> and know that you are a great son and person. Good luck and keep posting on here!
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