Bipolar in the family Support Group

My husband has been really unbarable lately with his episodes. He has said some really horrible things to me. Of course after they are done he swears he meant none of it and I'm suppose to just say, "Ok I forgive you" and get over it just like that? Having a hard time with that.

I'm wondering if there are any sucess stories out there. Long term relationships/marriages where one spouse is bipolar. I need to hear that we have a chance...that it can be done...or else I don't know what the point is in all this. I love my husband to death, but I am not a human punching bag and deserve to be treated better than this. If there is a sucess story please let me know HOW it works, what you do, what you don't do, how can it work? I want to do this, sometimes i just feel I'm doing it all alone and he doesn't even see my efforts.

Thanks

tracerface21

welcome to the group I am sorry you are having a rough and get time .

I think in general if one's partner is Willing to be stable ex meds and therapy then thereis a good chance for a marriage to work . also it important for the support partner to seek help for themselves indivually as well.

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 07/05/2009 07:40 AM

Those verbal attacks are hard to take. I've struggled with it with my husband for 23 years. He's finally getting his disorder under control, but it's been hard. I FINALLY learned that if I stay very calm, understand that he's always at a high stress level, and that when he lashes out verbally, he's raging at the circumstances and not necessarily at me. I have also learned that if I stay calm and don't react to his rage, he calms down and apologizes. It is doable with a lot of work, and I agree with Diane that the partner also needs to seek help as well as getting the right meds and therapy. Good luck!

Thank you guys!

Sallyo-I have learned the stay very calm and understanding thing...makes it last shorter and less severe. I feel so bitter at times that I have to try to hard to keep things calm and pieceful, and not to hurt his feelings and to tippy toe around...and he can do and say whatever he wants and apologize with the "it's the disease" thing and I have to let it go. I try super hard...why can't he try harder? He is on meds and it's doing ok for him...but the self care stuff he won't do. When is is doing really good he decides he doesn't need the meds and stops...or doesn't like how they make him feel and stops. I'm usually pretty possitive about all this so I'm sorry...Just at a brick wall right now and feeling sorry for myself. Going to start seeing someone I think...it's time what do you think? lol

Counseling helped me know how to walk around that brick wall you mentioned. I'd recommend it as part of 'taking care of yourself'...

Counseling sounds like a great idea as part of taking care of yourself. Mine only recently started the self-care part, and it's still a bit hit and miss. I've been listening to his self-talk lately; that's been enlightening and gives me encouragement that he's really trying. I think this disease is one of those "one step forward and two steps back" type of thing.

Thank you everyone! I appreciate the helpful comments...a little sad I didn't hear of much "success stories" but this is just a battle we all fight together isn't it? I have been unable to run much which has been my "out" and stress relief...will start again Thursday as well as starting my own counseling.

Thanks again!

Not quite sure if our marriage qualifies as a "success", but my BP husband and I have been married for 9 years, and we are still together.

Sometimes it's really, really bad -- and it's all I can do to hang on.

Other times...I remember exactly why I love this brilliant, funny, quirky, creative, passionate, affectionate, dear man.

We have had some horrible episodes, a few of the more memorable ones have had me at the breaking point, feeling like I just couldn't hang on any longer -- and if I fell, whatever was at the bottom couldn't possibly be as bad as what I was enduring.

But then...things got better. They get better, they get worse, they get better again.

What has worked, or at least helped? He is faithful with his therapy and his meds. I have my own therapist. I also attend a monthly BP family support group, post on this board, and read, read, read -- books, websites, articles, anything I can get my hands on about BP.

What would help more? If he would stop self-medicating, and if he would do more of the things he needs to for self-care -- nutrition, exercise, etc. He would also greatly benefit from a support group, but he has social anxiety and just can't bring himself to do it.

I have been learning and practicing non-engagement -- not responding or trying to reason with him when he is unreasonable and impossible. That is very hard for me, because I am a logical, reasonable person, and for years I kept telling myself that maybe I could get through to him, make sense to him, "snap him out of it" when he was at his worst. And nope, I can't do it. I didn't cause his BP, I can't control his BP, and I can't cure his BP, no matter how hard I try, how desperately I want to, or how very much I love him.

It upsets him a lot when I don't engage or respond with strong emotions at his raging or tantrums or mania, but it's the only practical thing I can do -- and sometimes it's the only thing that saves my sanity.

Another thing that has helped is that I have gone back to church -- finally found one that I can agree with philosophically. Leaning on God has given me a sense of peace and of hope.

No way to tell what will happen in the future, but for now, we are hanging in there. We do love each other, so we have that on our side. One day at a time, as the saying goes.

Post edited by: miceelf, at: 07/07/2009 01:36 PM

Hi, Tracer! I was out of town and didn't respond to your original post. My husband has had many long periods of stability, and has been responsilbe about keeping himself well. He has held a steady job. We have three wonderful children. He is fun, loving, caring, creative - wonderful. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary in Aug. I bet there are more stories like mine, but those would not necessarily come to a support group, so don't lose hope.

Hugs

Hey Tracer...My wife and I are happily married have been together for a while now. Things weren't easy at first because I had no knowledge of BP and what it's effects were on a person. She was totally honest about her whole life with me on our second date and I was with her about mine. It's never really easy it takes alot of work, understanding,and commitment. We are both actively involved in her treatment down to the smallest detail,and When I need we have a therapist for me too. I was asked recently if I could turn back time would I have done anything differently. My answer was no I love my wife unconditionally and her feelings are the same for me. Come here learn ask questions get help for yourself if you need it. Remember it's not easy at times my wife sometimes lets s hurtful things slip from her mouth too but immediately apologizes and is sincere she works very hard to not hurt others but sometimes it happens. I've grown a thick skin for those times which are rare anymore.