Bipolar in the family Support Group

Please...please...

if the "family" member you are dealing with is a significant other and you have children...leave.

I know what you are going through is hell, but I cry at the fact that the children don't have a choice to leave. If you choose to let this person's untreated illness ruin the rest of your life, you are choosing for the kids also. It's not fair...it's not right...it's not your life.

Get out and try to create a normal living environment for your kids so that they will not grow up and repeat your patterns.

Easier said than done, I know, but being a bipolar, and now stable for 10 years, I feel sorry for the husbands and boyfriends in my life before I changed. My husband of the last 12 years told me to get help or get out. I got the help.

If I were single and looking for love, I'd never, ever date a bipolar man. And I'm sorry my kids had to grow up with my crazy-self.

I filed in March (after his 3rd manic episode in 3 yrs - psychotic break this time). I was afraid for our 4 yr old (and me - to be able to continue working, supporting her, him, etc.).

You say it though, like you wouldn't have been involved if he'd left - it's not like he's going away - my concern now is that I won't be living there to see when he's going up again. And it's nearly impossible to get the courts to agree to permanent supervised visitation, right? So, as a BP person, what would've worked to help you agree to supervised visitation?

When he was manic, he fought tooth and nail (because he was FINE)... now he's depressed and can't take her alone overnight or drive right now. So, in leaving him I can separate - but our daughter can't (and shouldn't - she loves him completely and he loves her).

I'm hopeful that we can get something put in place that states he has to be tested regularly to show he's on his meds, that he's going to therapy, that he's OK to have her for overnight visits. My worst fear is that when he's manic, he doesn't pay enough attention to her (someone could grab her while he's on the phone or she'll wander off) and when he's down, he can't take care of himself, never mind her... sadly, some of the meds make him dopey/sleepy and it's very hard to awaken him. So, if she needs something in the middle of the night, chances are good he won't wake up.

Yet, I can't be his caretaker forever and I just don't feel like a wife anymore. I have no desire to be with anyone - I just want to raise my daughter and be close enough to him that I can gauge his state of mind (and stay in touch with his family/neighbors who can see where his head's at).

Thoughts? Thanks so much for your input. It can't be easy for you - sadly, my BPH has been wonderful for years (had to come off lithium though, and nothing's worked well since).

Dear purgatorynparadise,

I can tell you, from my own experiences, that it's best you get that little girl out of the house and away from a bipolar parent. Let him take you to court to see her, make sure it's supervised visits, like with a relative or something.

My mother would call my father and ask to see one of the younger kids and my father wouldn't let them go unless I was with them. My mother would put me on the next bus home, telling me she wanted my sister and knew Dad wouldn't let her come unless I was there, well she got my sister and was sending me back where I belonged.

She would take off and move (in a different state) so that my father couldn't find my sister or brother, but she would let her location go by asking me to bring my brother down. I knew she'd send me back, but she could be a persuasive convincer. While I was there I'd hear how stupid I was and fell for her trick again, because I was stupid. She'd have everthing ready to pack and I knew it would take my father a year or more to find her. I shouldn't have brought my brother down. He's probably going crazy right now about me taking him, knowing that she was sending me back.

Get your daughter away from him (you don't know what his behavior is like when you're not there) and make any visits supervised so he can't leave with her.

You don't know what a BP parent in jeapardy will do.

yours,

53 yo daughter of a bp para skitz

mother of 23 yo BP

Linda

I'm so sorry for all you've been through on all sides of this horrible experience... in my case, thank GOD he's not a paranoid schiz (just seemed like one when he was so manic he had a psychotic break). The hardest part is that he can be truly OK, just not when he's super-high or low. Right now, he's coming out of a depression (I think), but his mom is leaving soon, so I'm going to continue insisting on supervised visits and pray that the legal system is reasonable and that my lawyer and I are convincing to the judge enough to keep visits supervised.

I'm in limbo because if he can get his meds straight and back to a normal range, he's a great dad and she loves him so much. There's no way I would keep them apart, just have to err on the side of caution is all. I have about a dozen affidavits from friends/family who have seen him in action (and inaction) - that's really all I can do.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.