23 year old bipolar son

The sad part is I am sure he treats his "friends with respect."

Several years ago, when the son was living here and going in and out all hours of the night--I told him when I went to bed, I wanted to know for sure that my front door was locked and stayed locked. We have a Dead bolt, and keyed doorknob, he only had the key for the knob. If he wasn't in, I locked the deadbolt, so he couldn't get in.

One night about 3 am, he rang the doorbell, knocked for about 20 minutes, but I did not respond. Next morning, he was sleeping on the park bench in the front yard, and spiders had already spun a web from his head to the bench. He was not a happy camper LOL! That was the end of the in and out all hrs of the night.

If your son knows you are weak, he will definitely take advantage. It's about putting your fears aside, and doing what works for you. sp

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 02/28/2008 20:46

So, sorry for the rant, but what I would like to do is get him treatment, but he insists he has not problem, that we and society and the church are all the problem.

Is there any way to get through to someone like this? He won't take meds, won't go to the P Doc, won't agree to any treatment or rehab.

What in the world do we do???????????

I feel you wringing your hands thru the computer!

You say what can we do... the key is he has to want to improve himself. Unfortunately, with all that is going on with him, having had all this "easy" money at his disposable has probably been his worst enemy. Easy street,all of his "chemicals of choice" to stay twisted and irresponsible.

Regarding the house party---I'm sure he was very accomodating with his guests at the party. Behaved socially acceptable with his click in the party environment. This should CLUE YOU IN--that there is more manipulation going on than Bipolar.

He is miserable with himself and as Gloria says, wants you to be equally so. I can only see him getting motivated to change when he hits bottom--the money gone, and having to WORK, AND FIT IN WITH SOCIETY to provide himself with the barest of necessities. With these antisocial types, there is no better motivator than PAIN. PAIN as in--out of his comfort zone, where throwing a fit gets you and your husband into gear to GIVE INTO HIS WANTS.

I know you long for some TRUST, but come to the realization it is not there--ALWAYS SUSPECT SELF-SERVING MOTIVES.

If he doesn't respect himself, he certainly won't respect someone (like his parents) who he views as WEAK,and can be so easily manipulated by him. You have to get tough if you want his respect.

All this stress he is causing you can't be good for your health.

On possible Scenario: You need to get out from under some of this stress-- Go out of town, again really soon, and SEND HIM TO A MOTEL!!! Get him out of there even if you have to call the Cops. When you get home and he comes over raising hell--tell him--"We've had enough, you are a grown man. You need to go out and make your own life" and don't let him back in. Call the cops, if necessary. Tell the Cops that he doesn't live here anymore. He'll get the message. I know you are terrified at rolling the dice, and having him out from under your wing because of the Bipolar. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but you guys are too nice and giving and you have got to change, or there will be NO CHANGE on his part.

SP

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 04/14/2008 23:55

Post edited by: suzeP, at: 04/15/2008 00:28

For the most part I think you are going to find it difficult to get him into treatment until he realizes he needs it. And how do you do that? That's the million dollar question. I'm no expert, but tough love seems to be a popular suggestion. Force him out of your house and on his own. I believe you could even get a court order to evict him, but don't quote me on this. You could try writing him a letter detailing his behavior and the issues it is causing you. Sometimes seeing it in writing gets through to them. It took me a while but I learned with my BP wife that I couldn't control her, but there are things that are in your control, namely your household, and your own well being.

Good luck,

PJ

I am with the others--kick him out.

It sounds like your son is full blown manic and could benefit from hospitalization. In California, where I live, they can be hospitalized against their will for 72 hours if they meet one of 2 criteria: a danger to themselves or others, or gravely disabled. In CA, gravely disabled unable to take care of basic food, clothing, shelter needs. For us that meant if we no longer allowed him to live at our home or use our car, then he couldn't meet his basic needs, ie no job, place to live, $, or transportation, then he would be considered gravely disabled. That helped us when he wanted out of the psych ward, but we wouldn't allow him to come home. Check with your county mental health or the p-doc regarding regulations in your state.

Find an interventionist. Do an intervention to get him out of the house and into treatment--or he gets nothing at all from you, no support, no communication other than "I love you and will support you only while you are getting treatment." Make sure every possible "enabler" is present and supportive. Your interventionist will tell you all about it, but it is very similar, maybe identical to an intervention for drugs. You can not help him at home. You only put yourself and the rest of your family in danger, and end up preventing him from helping himself. You can only close his options so that his only remaining options are treatment or the street. I know, it sounds cruel. But it works. From the sounds of things, you need to get him out of your home ASAP, for his own sake, not only yours.

Right now my son is in a psych ward (since 3/15, when he threatened to kill me--I didn't really believe him, he has never been violent, but it was a handy way to hospitalize him against his will--"lucky" me....), and tomorrow he will start a two day assessment to see if he can get into a residential therapeutic community where he will learn to handle his illness. We have changed the locks in our home.

I'll write more later today or tomorrow, or if you want to PM me that's fine. We have been through hell for the past year, and I think it will get better soon.

BEST WISHES!

Post edited by: bestwest, at: 04/15/2008 18:35

Love

Gloria

I looked at his checkbook when I got home. He wrote a check for another $500 on hunting/shooting items today at the sporting goods store. He just wrote another check to himself for $100 and left again. I suggested he use some caution in his spending and he said "I have nothing to live for, the only joy I get is in blowing my money, everyone just thinks I am a loser drug addict so I might as well act like one".

I thank you for your suggestion and comments BestWest. My mom said she saw a show on TV just last night about someone who could be my son's twin and they finally did an intervention. I wish I knew how to go about this. I also think he needs hospitalization but it seems hard to get this done. We got him to the ER Psych ward once in January and it was not a good experience.

I know he needs to get out on his own, but I feel like I can't tell him today with this blow about losing the money. I know I am weak and need to be stronger but I feel so mean. I did ask him in the few short minutes he was here this evening if he had found a place to live and he said he will when he gets a job. Lots of intangibles out there.

When you did the intervention, did you call the person and have them come to your home and talk with him? Was he committed or taken to the hospital at that time? Did you have all extended family members present? What happens if they get in a rage?

Thank you all so much for your help and advice. This has been the most helpful support I have found. It is hard to find anywhere to turn and to know there are other people out there who are experiencing the same things is very, very helpful.

I hope you aren't sick of hearing from me. I take a special interest in your situation, as I have dealt with my bp son being "way out there", and continue to ride the roller coaster with him.

I know how it feels to hear them say such as "everyone thinks I am a loser and drug addict, so I might as well act like one." Remember often they are projecting their own thoughts onto you. Sounds like he is crying out for help.

Just remember he didn't get this "snowballed" in a day, and it's not gonna turn around in a day. So don't feel pressured to get him out of the house. Honestly, with him still having all that cash, to continue on a roll, I don't think any major turnarounds will start happening now. And as far as him getting a job, he would have to be pot free for about 4 weeks, and he very well may be using that to deal with the BP mood swings.

You say I feel "so mean". You have to be Tough

with some real honesty--like "we cannot continue to enable you." It may not be what he wants to hear, but is certainly what he needs.

SP

I will never get tired of hearing from you. I need to hear from people who have wisdom and insight into all of this. I appreciate all of your input. Thank you!