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NoName
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I am new to this group also. Looks like there are many of us dealing with this issue. My heart goes out to every single one. Life can be so good, but it is just hell. Our 23 year old son is recently diagnosed with bipolar although I think the psychaitrist initially thought we just had dysfunctional family issues. He had owned a home and lived there for two years, sold it and netted about $40K which is now almost diminished with not a thing to show for it. He moved back home and doesn't work and doesn't want to work. He plays video games and sleeps. Says he is going to sign up for classes Spring term, but we have been that route twice before and he never completes them. We got him to agree to take meds if we would pay for college. I don't know if he is taking it though as he had a major blowup yesterday over my buying regular apples instead or organic apples. Also, he is beyond angry that we ask him to contribute $200 toward household expenses (which we are saving for him in an account). He thinks we should fully support him, all living expenses, car expenses and a personal allowance. He rants for over an hour not letting anyone get a word in edgewise, yelling, screeching, crying, saying he is done talking and then coming back for more. I melt into a puddle of tears and grief. Hell, hell,hell. Friendships that don't last, both girlfriends and others. He has recently been buying guns, ammunition and paraphenalia but says it is just a hobby that he is safe. Heavy pot smoking history. He says he has stopped, but I am not sure. Yesterday very dark eyes. I don't know if marijuana and Geodon counter on another. The medication is Geodon. If anyone knows much about it, I would love to hear. He says it makes him very sleepy and seemed to initially but last night he was awake all night playing video games and just left this morning telling me to cancel his birthday party tomorrow, he doesn't want anything from me, (but still loves me). What an emotional roller coaster this is! Any help would be so very appreciated. Thanks |
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PerfectlyImperfect
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Welcome to the boards. Sorry youre having a hard time right now. Hopefully things get better. as for the guns & things such as that I'm not sure about as I would not want my bf(who has BP) to own any. He has to be responsible enough to take the meds and if he's doing so and still have these outrages maybe he hasnt found the right ones to work. Stay Strong and my prayers are with you. |
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oldglory
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Schizophrenia's drug of choice is, Geodon. I think that is most likely his diagnosis. Have you talked with his shrink??? If that is not the case, well then you have a real brat on your hands! He will only do to you what you ALLOW him to do...remember that!!!! It is time for the old ultimatum!! Give him a time schedule (maybe 2 months). If he doesn't have his shit together then let him know he won't have a roof either! KIds are funny, but not always. Yes he has a problem! Yes he may be very very sick!! BUT, you can't cure him and you already raised him once. In 2 months..if the status quo continues, have his bags packed!! DO NOT RELENT, MAKE HIM GO!!!! You cannot enable him any longer than that.....he will never heal if he is not MADE to... love Gloria
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dixie22
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Trina, hang in there. I feel your pain and frustration. I have a 37 yr old daugher with bipolar. Sounds like you've done all you can do. I agree with oldglory, it is time for your son to be on his own. We had to give our son an ultimatim and it was very difficult, but he is much better because we did push him out of the nest. He has had passed drug problems as well, but seems to be doing fine now. dixie |
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suzeP
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Welcome to the site Trina, I'm Suzep. I am trying to figure out if my 24 year old son is living at your house under an assumed name. LOL! These "ME" behaviors..I have seen and lived with for a number of years. But I will tell you so much of what I thought was behind his thinking--the manipulation, the anger with themselves that they project on the family, the blame game... on and on and on. well, the people on this site have confirmed it, and given me a whole new way of thinking. He is not INSANE..bipolar is not a terminal illness, but a mental condition (and personality type). He has to be responsible for his behavior! As far as him going back to school-- most likely this is the latest angle, so you can foot the bill, and he can coast. Been there. If he was soooooo motivated to get back to school, looks like the 40K could have financed that. But that is blown. Most likely, he knows how badly you want him to succeed at life,and finish school---enter his new strategy. Throwing money at his new angles, and wringing your hands doesn't equal results. When you are ready to take a stand, there are approachs in dealing with him that turn the tide in your direction. Hope to hear back from you!!! |
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NoName
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Thank you so much to all who replied. It is really helpful to know I am not alone. It is kind of like something you are a bit ashamed of (although I really know I shouldn't be), but then when you hear others are going through the same things it strenghtens you. I found out this morning that he did not take his medication on the day he had a bad episode. I am finding, as I have read over and over, that the biggest part of this battle is getting the person to recognize they have a mental condition. He likes how he is. We still have a long way to go I think. SuzeP, you mentioned that when I am ready to take a stand, there are approaches. Can you elaborate? I think the fear is that when he is bipolar if I push the envelope and tell him he must work or move out that he will become homeless or some such thing. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who reply. I am desperate for help and answers. |
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suzeP
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Hi Trina, glad you are still with us!!! I wanted to ask you--was your son diagnosed as Bipolar I, or BipolarII? I am thinking, probably II since the Doc, thought it was more along the lines of a dysfunctional family. First off--YOU have to quit giving this diagnosis so much weight, and importance He's probably been like this for a long time and statistically 1 in 5 families are touched by mood disorders. Everyone has a touch of bipolar in them. Before all these diagnoses, the Bipolar II's were just the people with sour dispositions, the lady next to you in the office who overreacted, and got moody. If he was just recently diagnosed, I'd say give him a little time--I'm sure he is upset with being tagged with a mental illness. If he has gone thru close to 40K in 2 yrs, Do you think he has been doing some cocaine?--Very popular with the heavy pot smoking crowd. Regular use of cocaine can get them very twisted, and this can mimic and magnify the bp. The high is especially attractive to those that are basically miserable, but the high turns into an equal low, when it wears off,and so goes the roller coaster. What I was talking about to deal with him is what I personally call-- the "Non-Issue" approach. You are providing, food, shelter, and medical care when needed, and everything else is a non-issue (for now anyway, til he wakes us to his ME, DEMANDING BEHAVIOR) For example, about the apples he thru a fit over. As far as you are concerned--"Non-Issue", and no response needed on your part. If he gets up in the morning raising hell about anything to you, wait awhile, and simply say--"I don't think I'll let you be rude to me today." and leave it at that. He comes asking for you to buy something for him that is "Non'Issue"--simply say. "Let me think about it". Also, when confronted, turn it back to a question to him...or say "I'm sorry you are upset, could we talk about this a little later." I could go on and on, but the point is "Non-Issues, don't have to be dealt with", and it has a way of calming them down, and allows time for them to put it in real perspective. Try to use "I" in your replies, and not "You". I have gotten results, and it builds respect way better that trying to be logical, prove a point and explain why NOT. They do not like to be told NO. Don't say No, just don't deal with it. I have some other ideas...but I'll let you do some typing back!. sp
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NoName
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Suze, Some great ideas from you. I especially love the "I don't think I will let you be rude to me today". Brilliant! I will definitely use that one.  I am 99.99% sure no on the cocaine. I am jointly on his checking account and it just goes for nonsense crap. He also spent about $2K last month on lottery but I think he learned that lesson. Lots of money to video games, gas, Starbucks, clothing. Pot for sure though I know he spent it on. He admits it and really is pretty upfront about his drug use. I am not sure about the Bipolar I or II. I need to ask the psychaitrist and research it more. And you are right about him being in denial over having a mental illness. Shoot, I am just coming to terms with it and realizing it is a lifelong thing. I am so sad about it but I know I need to get over that. I want to not be manipulated (and I know I am), but balance it with what I do need to do to help. Thus, I am confused on the college, no job, paying rent, etc. issue. I am going to try and have a good evening for his birthday dinner party tonight. I work early in the morning but will check back tomorrow for more posts. Thank you again. |
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suzeP
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Trina and others interested... I got some of these non-confrontational responses from a website. It is called how to deal with Emotional Blackmailers. The Web address is: angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail. Check it out. Trina, I know you were concerned about the college, paying rent, and him having a job. The squirrels are running the treadmill upstairs (in the brain) and here's my thoughts: College- should HE bring up the subject, say "When it gets closer to Fall registration, we'll talk about it" NOTHING MORE--THIS IS YOUR STANDARD REPLY UNTIL JULY. Paying $200.00 Rent/ expenses: Since you have already told him he has this obligation, let it stand. Give him some envelopes titled Rent/ Exps and put a date of it, and tell him you want it on your Desk (counter) on such and such date, each month. NO FURTHER DISCUSSION Job: Now this is an "Issue" in your Non-Issue approach. He needs this to get re-connected with the real world. At the right time, just tell him.."You need to get a job, to get something going for yourself" When he brings up other needs don't address these "wants" but, say "Right now, I'm more concerned about you getting a job." The rest of the scenario, you'll have to play out...I'm sure getting him going won't be easy. I think it is all about taking the Power away from him, and giving it back to you. Not an easy road, but we gotta keep trying. LOL! sp |
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NoName
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SuzeP, Thanks again for the supportive suggestions. I am definitely going to implement many of them. Last night's birthday party went pretty well for the most part. He was fairly polite to us and said "thank you". He left the house about 9pm and called at 12:15am and asked if he could bring a friend over. When my husband said "no", he hung up on him. Didn't come home all night. I just got home from work and he is in bed sleeping. I think we are getting stronger at sticking to our "house rules", but boy, they sure do keep on pushing and intimidating and pulling the scare tactics. I keep thinking of that song "it's just a ride"....LOL. But I am not "enjoying the ride". Day by day but I wish I could feel hope. I feel none. Sure helps to hear from others though. |
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