Bipolar in the family Support Group

If after he does all of these terrible things and you feel like you don't love him anymore because of it, then do you still have to stay with him because of his illness, and "it's not his fault"? I just feel so sad and I would rather just be on my own, I don't even want to try to fix things anymore, I feel like it's a lost cause.

That's a really good question, ra, I'm wondering that myself. I love him the way he was, I love the way I know he can be, but he's not like that most of the time anymore. Much of the time he treats me like I'm stupid and annoying, and too often like I'm his worst enemy and he hates my guts. And then when he acts like everything's normal, he wonders why do I seem so distant? How can I make small talk and act like everything is fine, and play the loving, dutiful wife when I'm angry, hurt, and scared of his moods?

ya, we need some people to help answer this one. I feel the same exact way you do

I know many in this forum have been married for longer than I have (12+) perphaps reading their posts and learning from them..but I must admit, I'm at the same point...just came home after 9 months and he just had sex again with another woman when he stayed home from work last week. I can't fake it anymore, nor do I want to. I too love the person I married but not this "person" who I wake up to each day.

I am in the middle of a manipulation battle with mine, apparently I'm the problem

ive been seeing a psyc to help me...and he told me this "you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it"...this has helped me alot...i have maintained a friendship with my man however the 'relationship' side is over. its sad he has bipolar but it doesnt mean i have to have it to. i have tried as hard and for as long as i could.

madammuck , You did what was best for you in your situation . I am glad that you are working through things with a therapist . you are so right about not curing it or causing it . I hope that you find some comfort in the words of your therapist , Yes it is so sad .

I'm not sure if this answers the question or even helps but here goes.

I was reading a study recently (and for the life of me I can't find it now) that talked about what kept bad relationships together and what is actually the "straw that broke the camels back" that caused that bad relationship to finally end.

What it talked about was the difference between "perception" and "reality." That bad relationships are kept together by how someone perceives their partner, and not by who the reality of that person really is.

When they look at their partner, they rationalize and think of the good or positive moments that they have, and those specific moments where they were actually treated well by their partner. Those perceptions are then used to justify keeping the relationship going. You justify the "bad" times or the hurtful things that your partner does as being outside of the box from who they really are, because again, you are clouded by your perception of those "good times" and simply figure that at some point, things will go back to the way they were. You're craving that perception, and missing the reality.

The bad relationship starts to crumble when you finally realize that the reality of your partner is really who they are the majority of the time. You realize that you've been holding onto a perception that is completely different then the reality of your partner.

I think this is something we can all relate to in any intimate relationship and not just situations where one person suffers from bipolar disorder and the other does not.

It's not an easy thing to get past. I think on any level, we all fall into it at some point.

I believe each of us do need to understand why we are in the relationship today. Guilt should never be the reason. To survive this disease, there must be unconditional love. It is not fair to either if it isn't there; anything less and it would become unhealthy for both. I agree with the above theory which we cling to the good memories as we hope they will return. In BP I feel it is even stronger - as we hope the person we love will return. It isn't the same as two mentally healthy individuals who have grown apart or changed for some reason. We see it as an illness and since the person we fell in love with, does sometimes re-appear we gain hope.

I know I do not love the stranger when he appears. I am at the end of my battle without my husband seeking treatment. I have one thread of hope left and if it does not come to pass, then I too have to decide what am I willing to live with. I know for me, I still love my husband inspite of the illness, but recognize without his 100% support and committment to treatment, that I cannot continue. It is not my failure, it is not my responsibility to stay with someone who refuses to try and look at ways to control the illness. Each of us have to come to this stage in their own way and time. There is no right or wrong answer and each situation is different based on the couple, the compliance to treatment and the stage of the illness.

But if the marital love is gone (truly gone) then I couldn't even imagine trying to be with my husband. It is hard enough to endure with loving them. Good luck to you - and remember it isn't your fault - and you must put yourself first. That is not selfish - it is the sad harsh reality.

I think lbf2005's answer hit the mark in many ways. I have been married 32 years next week. I have over three decades of what my perception of her is. But the reality of who she is becoming is reaching fruition and I'm not in love with that. Unless changes take place the marriage and life we've led will come to an end. It will be different for each individual, each marriage. Guilt should never play a part of staying in a relationship, for guilt will end up eating you alive.