Bipolar in the family Support Group

My BP husband has always been sort of a binge drinker -- occassionally feeling the need to "tie one on" as he puts it. I've never been comfortable with it -- I will drink one or at the absolute most, two drinks, then I'm done. I grew up around alcoholics and feel really uneasy and nervous around people who are intoxicated.

He has always promised me, since we got together (over 10 years), that he would never get behind the wheel if he's been drinking. Up until now, I've trusted that -- if we went out, I was the driver, or he would drink at home. But lately now he's been going over to a friend's house (I don't know them, he said it was a woman he used to work with and her husband, but I've never met them, don't know where they live, and don't know if she even HAS a husband or if he is cheating on me). He comes home from there smelling of alcohol and when I ask him he says he had "a shot" -- I don't believe that it was only one drink. When I've seen him drink, once he has two, then he often just keeps going. He doesn't come in staggering or anything, but I can smell it on him, and he is obviously feeling the effects. And he's usually been smoking pot, too. If a cop stopped him, they would have every reason to demand a DUI test, and even if his alcohol level was below the legal limit, with all of the psych meds he takes, I don't know that he would pass it.

I am worried sick about this, and don't know what to do. I was concerned that I was being co-dependent and controlling if I draw a line, but I really don't think I am. If he continues this or it gets worse, I can see a possible disaster looming. My therapist asked pointedly, "Are you okay with him drinking as long as he doesn't get caught?" And no, I'm not. But I need to have absolute clarity about this if I'm going to make this a make-or-break issue. And I have to know that if I draw a line that I can actually stick to it and not cave. I think I can really say, "If you drink anything at all when you are out and drive home, then we are through" and then actually stick to it. But I'm really getting scared.

I don't have moral objections to alcohol in moderation, and I wish things were just normal and he could go have a beer with a friend. But with all the meds he takes, I can't see that as a safe option.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Post edited by: miceelf, at: 05/07/2009 03:58 PM

The problem is that the drinking can be a trigger. You know alcohol is a depressant, so my partner typically refuses to drink when he is manic (doesn't want to lose the high). But when they are depressed they will often turn to the bottle... or worse to cocaine. Both of them can lead to mood shifts. But drinking and drug use goes hand-in-hand with bipolar disorder. Has he tried AA?

He only went to AA very briefly when he was in an IOP and required to. Bottom line, he doesn't feel he is an alcoholic. And I don't really know if he is, because I've seen him voluntarily not drink for weeks because he chooses not to. If he is dependent on anything, it's pot. I'm well aware that any substances he self-medicates with are a bad idea, and make it very difficult to determine a baseline for his meds. I wish he wouldn't smoke or drink at all, but I can't stop him from doing so.

But drinking to the point of intoxication really isn't okay at all -- and with the med interaction, I feel that even one drink is too much to drive. I can't control his behavior, can't stop a grown man from drinking alcohol if he is home or there is a designated driver. But my issue is that if he drives he is putting others at risk, himself at risk, and even if he doesn't get in an accident and no one ever gets hurt, if he gets a DUI it could ruin us financially, and I would definitely be adversely affected -- so I feel that gives me a right to object.

I just don't know how or where to draw the line -- if I say "If you drink *anything at all* and get behind the wheel, then I don't accept that risk and we can't stay together," I feel like I am going overboard, being too rigid or too controlling...and I don't know if I could really say that and stick to it. But I have no idea where else to draw the line -- one drink only? As I said, I've rarely seen him only have one (unless it's HUGE, like a 22 oz beer at a restaurant), and if he has two drinks, he very often continues. If he's not driving home, or he's at home and not going anywhere, then that's his business. It's the driving part I'm scared about.

My exhusband can rationalize anything. The drinking got worse as years progressed. You are very smart to stick to any ultimatum. I gave my ex so many ultimatums over the years, then waffled when he came 'back to his senses'. It was such a long hard road until that final straw. I understand completely about your worries regarding financial ruin. My ex would decide he needed another 30 pack when he ran out on a Sunday afternoon. So after 5 or 6 beers he would think nothing of getting in the car and going to the liquor store.

Good luck to you with however you decide to handle things.