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02/17/2008 01:21 PM

Letter to my bipolar husband

Itsbeenhell
 
Posts: 4
New Member

Just wanted to share this with everyone... wondering if anyone is feeling this way...

you said you wanted to be a gift to me

I believed you were the best thing that happened to me

for almost 25 years...

I was 26 you were 21

we grew up together

my friends thought you were the best husband

you were gentle, brilliant, sensitive

and really brilliant

and I was so proud of you

and our life seemed a fantasy

I though I had been blessed beyond my wildest comprehension

you were gifted, our children were gifted

we had plenty of money

went of vacations 2 or 3 times a year

traveled all over the place

and you gardened

even though I complained of the dirt in the house I loved your garden

and the daffodils that remind me of you every spring

even though things were not perfect

I felt so much comfort when you held me at night

the way you did after Benjamin was born and we knew that something terrible was wrong

the way you did when my Grandfather died

the way you did even when we were fighting

the way you did when I found out about your affair

when you told me that every thing would be okay

and I believed you because you were a gift to me

then you said that I wasn't a good wife

that I didn't love you enough

but when I woke up if I couldn't sleep you came looking for me

when you went to bed at night you wanted me to go to

you bragged about me to your girlfriends

but then you said you had an affair and left me because I didn't honor and respect you

because I didn't fold your pants right

I didn't have a list on the refrigerator

because, because, because

you were on a spiritual journey

you were blessed to have two women love you

too bad its culturally unacceptable

yes, you said that

you were a non conventional person and you deserved two women

but you got sick

and refused to believe it

but you are and it doesn't matter what you believe

because you are

How I wish you were someplace that I could visit you every day

and bring you cookies, and wash your clothes,

and hound the doctors to do everything they could

instead I am watching you deteriorate

your life and everything you've built slowly crumbling

hearing stories of your many affairs

watching you squander money

giving away $100 bills when I had cancer and you hadn't paid me alimony

doubling salaries when you hadn't paid yourself anything

and you lost so much weight

and grew your hair long

and your gait changed...why did that happen

and I miss so much the man I married

the man who wanted to be a blessing to me

and I know that he is somewhere trapped inside with that whirl wind

that tornado that is inside of your head

the tornado that you saw on a Rorschach card when I was in graduate school

the one that my teacher pointed out was an ominious sign

but I ignored it and thought it a floke

most of our marriage was pretty wonderful

but then you got sick and refused to believe it

anosognosia is what they call it

and no one can do a thing about it

we can watch you deteriorate and your life come crumbling down

hoping that you will see the writing on the wall before you decide to end your life

and I grieve for you every day

and will the rest of my life

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02/17/2008 02:24 PM
oldglory
oldglory  
Posts: 422
Member

Powerful..........However, I am begging you to break it down into facts for me. I have found because of my great analytical mind(( OK OK because I am an air head), lol, it is hard for me to understand sometimes. How long married? When diagnosed? Any kids? On meds or not? Have YOU sought help for YOU...NOT HIM? How long have you been apart? What are you doing now.....both of you? Do you grieve for him...yourself...or what couldabeen, wouldabeen, shouldaben? I don't think I have asked anything offensive, but sometimes my fingers engage to keys before my brain connects to civility. Please help me understand

Love,

Gloria

PS welcome to our twilight zone!


02/17/2008 09:56 PM
cozy1155
cozy1155  
Posts: 63
Member

wow i read your letter and my heart breaks for you. I have been there feeling a lot of the same ways. The money, affairs, feeling as though i was with the most wonderful man in the world and he fell apart and i watched it. I guess the way it sounds the biggest difference is, my husband got help and meds, he has been stable for 9 months. Although im on edge wondering sometimes how long until the next time. But he has finally after many years of not being treated become my husband again.

My heart goes out to you, know you are NOT alone. And i do agree, you should seek help for you.....ive also done that and it does help. Good luck, ever need to talk feel free to message me.


02/18/2008 06:22 AM
jolamom
jolamom  
Posts: 135
Member

As I read this my heart aches for you and the life you once knew. Isn't that just the way. We fall madly in love and one day we wake up and the person next to us is a complete stranger. With open arms I want to welcome you into a familiar fold. We all can relate in one instance or another.

02/18/2008 06:55 AM
heatherr
heatherr  
Posts: 395
Member

Your post hit home with me too. You are definitely not alone.

02/19/2008 07:10 AM
ConfusedandScared
ConfusedandScared  
Posts: 34
Member

OMG....I read your poem and balled right her in the middle of my office....that is so exactly how I feel.....Thank you so much for that...

02/19/2008 06:18 PM
AngelaK
Posts: 2
New Member

Thank you everyone for reading my poem. It helps to write...but my life has seriously fallen apart..Today my soon to be ex told me that he is having so much financial help because of MY perceptions! He blames me for his mess because of my negativity! If only I had that much control...Tell me more confused and scared...am I really not the only one going through this.

02/20/2008 04:43 PM
Itsbeenhell
 
Posts: 4
New Member

To old Glory,

I will try to break this down. I was married 27 years to a man who I thought was wonderful. We had a nice life together and I thought everything was fine. We had two children and I didn't worry about money because he was a lawyer and had his own law firm. However, about 5 years ago things fell apart. He started disappearing and then I realized he was having an affair with a person who was so disturbed that she made "Fatal Attraction" look like "Cincerella." After my two children and I begged my husband not to leave he left me to go live with this nut case. When, things didn't work out with his new roommate (surprise) I let him come back hoping that he had learned his lesson.

However, to make a long story short..he talked me into letting him get a second mortgage on my house and then he talked me into letting him buy another house, supposedly our retirement house, in the country. When that house was finished being renevated, and after I shopped for furniture and decorated and cleaned it my husband left again. I had our assets frozen when my husband left the second time. I managed to salvage some money that he cannot touch.

He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but refuses to admit it or get help. He gets very angry if I bring it up. My children have been traumatized by all of this and my son won't even talk to his father. Now my ex has spent almost all his money on his failing law firm and is now going bankrupt.

Last year I had breast cancer and now he is not paying for my health insurance. That's another huge problem

On top of all this, I have been ostricized by my family and my ex-husband's family. Everyone acts like they are mad at me...I never hear from anyone..its hard to believe. Actually, they do send me the obligatory flowers and cards for christmas and my birthday..but for the most part I never hear from my family. Even after I had breast cancer..

Well, its a long story...and sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel.. Sometimes I fantasize about it..specially since I work for hospice. Death doesn't look like such a bad option to me sometimes. I have two children...so its not an option. Anyway, I do have a therapist and she says that I am just grieving and these are real problems..Pretty husge ones..thank you for listening..

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