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03/24/2009 07:45 PM

Just beging to see that my wife is bipolar

vinny
Posts: 5
New Member

I am happily maried 17 years with no real problems until I realized three weeks ago that my wife not only suffers with depression and anxiety but also bipolar disease. After 17 years of happy marriage she told me three weeks ago that she wants a divorce and does not want to discuss it. She has told me that she is tired of "being under my thumb". She has accused me of being a verbal abuser and she's tired of me controlling her. In our 17 years of marriage I have never looked savings account or checking account. I'm a chiropractor and I just bring home the money and never asked any questions. I don't even know the color of our checks.I have never asked her what she does all day and have never accused her of lying. She has few friends and on the rare occations when she goes out at night( 1-3 times per year) I NEVER question her on where she went or what time she came home.It's amazing how I have been the complete opposite of a controlling person and yet I am being accused of such. I thought I was losing my mind until I realized what I was dealing with. She has not been taking her medication, Effexor.She now states that after 13 years of admitting to having depression that she is not sick and states that i am the reason for all her unhappiness and stress. She thinks that she is weaning herself off Effexor but she will take her daily dose of 150mg for one day then skip 2-5 days and take another 150mg. I think I'm about to lose my mind in addition to my family as we have two beautiful children. Please help.This is all so new to me. She is asking every day for a divorce but wants to use legalzoom.com, Could she be serious? Or is this just a threat? In retrospect I think I should have seen the signs over the last 8 months.Just last month we were having great sex and ever since this started 3 weeks ago I cant even touch her hand. A ffew days ago I touched her hand and said, from the bottom of my heart, "have a peaceful day". She pulled her hand away in and start to cringe as if I was the most disgusting person in the world. How could this happen overnight.We have had such a fun and loving relationship for 17 years. We were best friends and now she states that she never was happy with our marrage and that she was just putting up with the "abuse" because she was tring to be a good wife. She said that the only good time she could remember in all 17 years was our trip to Disneyland 14 years ago. Prior to 3 weeks ago she would always tell me how much she loved me and that I always make her laugh. That I was her rock. Please HELP me understand what is going on.

Vinny

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03/24/2009 08:38 PM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

She's sick right now. You need to set some boundaries. You don't have to take this. If this is affecting your family in a bad way than you need to take care of yourself.Is there anyone she can go to. You can also have her put in the hospitAL. I know you love her but she's not taking her Effexor and she probably need something for her mania Effexor is an antipressant. How long has she been diagnosed Bipolar?

03/24/2009 09:02 PM
plugginalong
plugginalong  
Posts: 195
Member

vinny, this sounds like it could be part of a mood disorder but on top of that, is it possible that this is some kind of 'mid life crisis'? Does she in fact suffer from 'Mania' or more so from Depression? I too have been accused of being an 'abuser' and it really hurts, frustrats etc. All you can do is keep doing your best to support her and give her some space at this time. Try and encourage her to sort out her mood, hopefully she will go see a pdoc and get her meds sorted.

03/25/2009 04:20 AM
vinny
Posts: 5
New Member

diagnoses 13 years ago. 3 weeks ago when the mania started and she asked for a divorce she lst said she needed to go somewhere but it wasnt a physical place, it was mental. I had no idea what was going on. Then she said she needed some space and told my 13 yearold and I that she was going to get an apartment near by. The next day she told me that she never said that and that what she said was that I had to move out. She keeps saying that she cant think with me in the house. I dont understand this. By the way I am almost never home as I work 14-16 hours per day. What does all this mean??

03/25/2009 07:00 PM
Ivygal
Posts: 15
New Member

Vinny it is all so complicated but yet so simple. In my experience with my husband, data goes in and then gets "haywired". All reasoning goes out the window. If you try to reason an argument will pursue. Anything you say or do, can and WILL be used against you. Also, even if you didn't say IT or do IT, the haywired data in their brain believes you did anyway. You will never win. So, I can't stress it enough.....IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

03/25/2009 09:33 PM
plugginalong
plugginalong  
Posts: 195
Member

Do you have anyway of talking to her doctor? (I found writing a letter to my wife's Doc got action) Keep it calm and diplomatic yet make sure to point out the urgency of the situation. If something doesn't put her brakes on then she will 'go' and all you can do it get out of her way untill she crashes! This is why it is so important for BP folks to stay on their meds. Your work days sound very hectic, maybe you want to look into shortening that a little! (wow!)

03/26/2009 11:42 AM
vinny
Posts: 5
New Member

Thank you so much. A few people have been telling me the same thing and I guess you are right it's just that I'm having such a hard time understanding. Thanks again

03/26/2009 11:44 AM
vinny
Posts: 5
New Member

Wow, I think that's a great idea I never thought of that, writing a letter to a doctor. I think I will give it a shot. Thank you so much.

03/27/2009 05:22 AM
sarahvp123
Posts: 258
Member

Vinny - my heart goes out ot you. i've experienced the same scenario but i am the wife and i am empathising with you here in london. In January my husband just started screaming and raging at me telling me i was killing him and needed too much, was spoilt, indulged (you name it he screamed it at me with no pause for breath) - it went on for a week. He didn't sleep, paced the house, cried, screamed, went on drink binges all night. He wouldn't let me touch him and would also cringe away from me physically. Then he just left just like that screaming and yelling. Said he didn't have the energy to cope with me anymore. i am the most loving supportive wife ont he planet. Anyway he screamed at me on the telephone for days and laughed down the phone at me when i told him i needed him to be calm so i could speak to him. He came into the house while i was at work and took all his stuff including the marraige cert, he gave notice on our shared house, swore down the phone at my family for trying to challenge him. Told all our friends i was a bad wife by email. Has been working 20 hour days and drinking at nights i'm told. Racked up huge debts - 5k in one week on clothes. he is undiagnosed. He is now divorcing me 8 weeks after leaving. He won't speak to me or hear me. He blames for everything all his unforfilled dreams. It is like being hit by a train and the only thing helping me to heal a little is the fact that he left. at least i can look after me. I have vowed to be there for him if he crashes but it's not looking good right now. It looks like it's raging. The cruelty destroys you and my heart goes out to you. The lack of empathy they show. The blame when you've been doing your best and you thought they were your friend. His family are enabling him. Have cut me off. i implore you to look after yourself. I went to the gp and there was little he could do.

03/27/2009 08:13 AM
vinny
Posts: 5
New Member

Yes, your situation is exactly like mine with the exception that I do not think that my wife is manic but rather hypomanic. A few weeks before this all started she was unable to fall asleep before three o'clock or four o'clock in the she was pacing the house but rather reading all night or on the internet. I agree with you that the hardest part is dealing with the fact that all their anger, frustrations and problems are transferred onto us. Additionally, their lack of empathy is almost impossible to deal with as we thought they were our best friends. How could your best friend treated this way? I think your husband and my wife need to see a therapist AND get the proper medications and hope that they will return to baseline. In the meantime I wish you all the best and please keep in touch as we are dealing with similar situations either one of our experiences may be very helpful to the other. I am at work now and can't spend too much time on the computer but I will write you later.

Vinny

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