Bipolar in the family Support Group

im 21 and I have always had a an issue with over thinking. ever sense i was a young girl ive always wondered why and wanted to find the answers for things a lot of people thought i was going to be some kind of scientist. well now that im an adult i self analyses myself on the fact that i analyze to the point i get headaches and panic attacks. my doctor said i do not have cynical anxiety or depression but i react as tho i do. this has to be largely due to the fact i have a mother who is bipolar and depressed and has some bad habits. she has been the closet person to me sense she has custody of me and my sister but i have grown up worrying about her so much that i start forgetting i have my own life. i notice i live my life in third person feeling as this ghost that just watching m, myself walk around. i can never focus on my relationships or much because i always feel i need to wait and see if she needs help, well no matter what i say im wrong. if she has a bad day somehow its my fault i live my life constantly on edge wondering what will set her off and when i do somehow set her off by oh idk walking in a way she feelings is rude i get yelled at for days. i saw the wrong things and if it sets her off shes mad for like two days making sure i know it by being loud by my room texting me at school saying how im this and that. i feel so timid and afraid to have any thoughts of my own in fear they are wrong. this has affected my relationships because im afraid to be myself in them. it has caused me to date some very abusive men one who sexually and emotionally abused me. now i have developed horrible anxiety issues that cause me to never be comfortable, get panic attacks all the time, be depressed and etc. every-time i leave the house i have this overwhelming sens of guilt that i should be home in case she needs me to do something i feel it is my job to be her whipped girl and anything else is just selfish. i am an adult with a relationship and even at his house i feel my mind thinking of home and what she is doing. also when she is upset with me it will make me feel as if i am homeless and no longer a conscious as odd as that sounds i will do everything in my power to make sure she is happy with me again. only when she is do i feel i have the permission to be happy and enjoy my day. i cant stand living this way anyway i don't deserve it. im aware a lot of this doesn't make sense because i am just rambling. i know i need to find a way to deal with this better because i cant afford to move for a while which also makes me feel overwhelming and me and my bf have not been together long enough to make that step. i also feel so bad for him because he trys his best but i know he doesn't get why i randomly cry and panic. he says he feel in love with me and that's all he wants is for me to just be me.my older sister and mom cant even stand each other and she has always been a cold person so this is much easier for her to handle besides she got married and left. ive always been a emotional expressive person so maybe this is why it affects me more im not sure but i would love to someday not feel bad for having a life and thoughts and feelings and happiness and issues that are strictly mien. if anyone can relate please post so i know im not alone. thank u for reading have a wonderful day

You are not alone. There are many that feel this way. You should get ome professional help. I am not a doctor, but it almost sounds like you have some PTSD symptoms from this with your somewhat out of body third person descriptions. There may also be support groups on mdj not only for PTSD but for emotional abuse. But professional help for yourself is usually the best place to start.

Best wishes to you.

thank u. someone once told me the thought i had ptsd but i thought that was people just in war

Lassie88,

I grew up with the same family dynamics as you. My mom was cold and only out for herself. I remember walking on eggshells. I tried to act in a way that wouldn't set her off. I tried to say the right things. I often wasn't at home because she was in a bad mood.

I'm in my 40s now. I ended up moving away from home as soon as possible to save myself. I tried so many times to have a relationship with my mom through the years. It's sad for me to say that I wasn't ever successful despite me trying tirelessly to have a relationship with her.

I have been seeing a psychologist for a year and a half now. It has helped me tremendously to understand that I am not at fault for my mother's lack of happiness and her constant issues.

I can understand where you're coming from. You are not alone.

Oceansaway

i feel so guilty defending myself aganist her because she guilt trips me. i syated the weekend ay my friends and she called me everyday telling me all the things wrong with me

Lassie88,

I felt guilty my whole entire life. I understand about the guilt trips. My mom did that to me too. Looking back, I think that she used that as a way to manipulate me into doing what she wanted for me to do.

I see a psychologist now because of my childhood. She said that it's real important to have boundaries with someone who is bipolar. Perhaps this will help with your guilt.

Oceansaway