Bipolar in the family Support Group

This is the first support group I've joined. Glad to be here and to have the support of others.

My big sister was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about one year ago. She's told the family it is type 2. Up until recently, I've really struggled with even knowing how to pursue any education or get help for dealing with the topic. So, I'm hoping to try this out and find out who else is out there that might be able to share their insight or recommend some resources.

I'll admit it that right now, I'm in a very angry and very sad place about this entire topic. Since I want to be open for the sake of both myself and others, and also give a proper introduction, I'll give a bit of background on my life, experience around the topic, and what got me here.

Sadly, my entire life has been deeply affected by my sisters BP disorder, long before it ever had the diagnosis or name behind it. I've blocked out large parts of my childhood, but I remember having a sister who would be quite terrible to me, all the time. I remember constant, horrific, screaming arguements in my household for as long back as I've known during the time we lived under one roof. I remember hiding from my sister as a child, all the time, because I was so afraid of her. She would physically try and harm me, and I felt truly scared and bullied. I kept thinking I'd done things to deserve it, and for many, many years, never had any sort of resolution of any of those childhood memories.

It wasn't until our teenage years that I started to suspect mental health issues. I became more aware of it, and got more educated about it, and during a near-divorce in my family, sought the help of a therapist for a period of time. Luckily, I came to love and appreciate therapy, and it provided a sense of great healing for me. After that, I came to understand mental health much more, and look at it with a different lens. At several different times, I sought therapy to try and come to terms with my sisters constant, permanent, and ongoing state of chaos and abusive behavior.

For as long as I've ever known her, I remember insane ups and downs, all the time. Such extreme highs and lows. It was wonderful on the days things were good- I saw her so strong and beautiful, and felt like I truly had a big sister. On the bad days, she would do such hurtful and sad things, and make terrible decisions. She drove drunk, she landed herself in jail, she would say things about my appearance that would scar me for years... the list goes on and on. I, of course, started to become more and more angry and fed up over the years, and the tension and distance has grown between us. We work at it all the time, and we have some good months, and many months where we do not speak. It's so hard on me, and it makes me so sad. Sadder still, a few years ago, her marriage ended, and I watched her go through another chapter of terribly sad, destructive years after that too. Even worse, I've felt so helpless. Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm more angry at: Her, for her actions, or her diagnosis, for robbing me of having a big sister who could ever protect me or soothe me like I've envisioned a sister would. Maybe I'm most angry because the sadness I feel for her is so huge, and I feel I cannot openly share my grief with her, and maybe that frustration just keeps mounting into an anger I've never experienced with anyone else. I'm not even sure where the sadness and the anger about all of this begins anymore.

I have such a hard time knowing the right way to handle her condition, and I guess part of why I'm here is to deal with the sense of helpless that I feel. I also feel helpless in knowing what boundaries I should form, because I always feel guilty when I'm angry with her because I suspect she cannot help her behavior. Basically, all these years, we've just existed... we're in eachother's lives, and we have small bouts of everything being fine, but then things go off the rails and the next thing you know I'm crying all the time, and we're fighting all the time, and then I feel sad and guilty and the cycle just starts all over again.

Ever since we got the diagnosis, some part of me felt so positive because finally, we had some sort of explanation for all of this destructive and odd behavior through the years. But, in other ways, the diagnosis has been twice as hard, because now I'm having to face the seriousness of the situation, and I worry so much for her... for my family and for myself.

Sadly, add another layer here, about 2 years ago, I lost one of my closest friends in the world to suicide. She was BP as well, though I never asked what type. She was medicated, so I never saw severe mood swings for the most part, though when she finally went off her meds (this was against all of our advice/wishes. She lost her job, couldnt pay for her meds, and then made her own decision to stop medicating), and I saw her come undone, I saw just how ill she truly was. Before that, I'd seen some behaviors that perhaps I'd characterize as depressive, but most months/years, they were mild, and she was one of the most loving, amazing, and incredible friends I ever could have had. I am still grieving her death every single day, and I'm not sure how I'll ever really get past her being gone. It's the only suicide death I've ever experienced, and having it happen to someone so close to me... truly a terrible pain I'd never wish on my worst enemy.

That death has added in a pretty tough layer into things with my sister, as you might imagine. Given that they have the same diagnosis, I live with a terrible fear now that something like that could happen to her. Every time I try and set boundaries in my life to be healthy, I think of my friend who died, and then I feel so sad and conflicted in trying to know what the right thing is to do.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for such a long post, but, being honest, I just really could use some help in finding my way through all of this. I don't even know how to accept that my sister is sick, how to start getting myself educated, and what to accept and expect that our lives will look like for the future.

-Lightmylife

I think the best thing you can do is continue to educate yourself. Be there for her, but don't enable her. If she finds the right medication mix, she will become stable and healthy just like everyone else. She shouldn't be having these cycles if on medications and if she is on them, then she needs a change or adjustment. Sometimes we need space, so be sure to give her space. When we are depressed, we isolate. It's always good to get up doing things when you are depressed, but it's very hard in that state. When in hypo-mania/mania, some people get energy and really happy. They can do a lot of shopping with money they don't have and do risky things. Others, like me get angry with racing thoughts and irritability. Everyone can be different, yet same at the same time. If that makes any sense. I hope things look up for you and get better. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We really care and will support you any way we can. Welcome to the group!

I think you should enlist other family resources and try everything in your power to encourage your sister to get treatment. Keep us posted.

I am also very sorry about the loss of your friend via her suicide and the trauma that her death caused you. I cry almost every day over my BP ex: to my knowledge she is both unmedicated and undiagnosed and in the in the almost 3 years since I first met her I have seen first her BP go from being a minor glitch in her behavior and behavioral patterns to manifesting itself in paranoia, delusions, blamefulness and narcissism. I am almost certain that I'm the only one in the world who knows the scope and depth of her mental illness and I am terrified that if certain people in her life are not alerted about her BP she will end up having yet another psychotic break and end up brain damaged and/or possibly end up committing suicide, a thought that sometimes demolishes me.

Do I do nothing? Do I something and risk triggering her (again) by alerting people in her life about her BP? I just do not know the answer. I do know that if she had a mental breakdown or died directly or indirectly because of her BP I would be devastated. I've been dealing with my ex's meltdown for 2 years now and I'm just getting to a point at which I can ask myself what G_d would want me to do in this situation.

I wish you the best in working through this process and weighing the many complex emotions, thoughts and dynamics involved in such a situation. It is not easy and it sometimes seems that the more that one heals from and knows about BP the more one can feel helpless in a certain way that is in direct and opposite relation to the knowledge one has about BP and the healing they have done from, regarding it. I know that I often feel that I live in a secret world to which most "civilians" cannot fathom or relate.

Again, welcome to the site and best wishes for your healing journey.

Post edited by: invisiblenyc, at: 04/05/2012 08:10 PM

I really appreciate the responses you all wrote- they all are so kind and genuine. Joy- You are right, and I do agree that she probably has not found the right mix of medications yet. I did mention this to my parents as well, because for awhile there, she got on all new meds and the mood cycles calmed greatly. I do know that routine and patterns in her daily life are important for her, and that recently, her normal routines have changed/disappeared, which always seems to be a trigger. I also know she felt that some of her medications were effecting her weight, so I do suspect she started messing with her medication since I know she's been really focused on slimming down. Anyhow, either way, we've had several months apart now other than the vicious back and forth that we sometimes have in emails and calls, but otherwise, I've just stepped away entirely for my own sanity. I think that now, I'm just starting to feel ready to be able to integrate her back into my life again and keep trying. That's all we can do, right?

Hellebore- To answer your question, my parents are both very involved. They struggle alot with the behavior. I finally convinced them to start into regular weekly therapy and now they go, and it does a world of good for them and their marriage, so they are feeling much better each month. I can tell my dad still greatly struggles with seeing this as an issue he'll never be able to 'fix' but I try and remember that when we don't see eye to eye on things, or when I can tell he's in denial about the realities of her condition. I can imagine it's quite tough to deal with this stuff as a parent as well.

Invisiblenyc- I'm so sorry to hear of your pain as well, and yes, I can truly identify with some of what you're describing. There is such a burden in being close to someone you know is not well when they are not only not willing to seek proper treatment, but also very isolated as well. There is no easy answer, but I do believe that you should do what's in your gut. If you truly feel she needs help and support and that her life is in danger, I do absolutely think it is acceptable to think through ways to help that situation. With my friend I mentioned, there were times were she would call me quite intoxicated at night and her behavior was quite high-risk. I did reach out to her therapist confidentially and let her know. They usually can take emails and phone calls and can 'listen' even though legally, they really can't comment or discuss it. But, the intake can sometimes be enough. Even my parents now will sometimes call my sister's therapist and do that- they'll just talk a bit and let her therapist 'listen' even though she legally would never discuss or comment on anything around her client. It helps them to feel that they've alerted a professional, and someone involved in her care, so perhaps that could be an option, and no one will need to know you spoke with that person. It remains confidential if you ask for that when you talk with them.

If she does not have a therapist or you do not know who the therapist might be, you could consider other options. I suppose I should say you could potentially sit down with her directly and discuss your concerns so that she is aware and has a chance to provide some direction or feedback. You may even have the sort of relationship where you could ask her about if she's in a therapist and find out whom, just in case you need to get in touch with them.

Otherwise, if there is someone who you know cares for her and loves her greatly, and is aware of her condition, I do not think it would be wrong to reach out to them to just convey your worry if you truly feel it needs to be done. You're allowed to want to make sure someone is safe, and receives proper care, and while they may/may not want to hear it, then you know you have some peace of mind in knowing you have done what you can.

My heart goes out to all of you, thanks so much for your kindness. Doing a bit better this week...