It has been over 2 years since my last post. I have received some messages from fellow support group members which prompted me to post again.
First, I want to thank you all for your love, encouragement, honesty and much needed support. This support group was a huge part of my healing process. It was one of the few places where I felt understood.
As you may remember, my husband left me in 2009 and quickly started a relationship with an ex-girlfriend. I was devasted. I wanted my marriage to work and I wanted the man that I married to return physically to our home, but more importantly, I wanted my husband to become the loving, faithful, kind man I married.
With lots of prayers, counseling and hard work, I began to heal from all of the emotional abuse I allowed myself to endure. I began to accept my own humanity, forgive myself and work on forgiving my spouse. I began to love myself again. I replaced unwanted uncertainty and drama for peace. I traded low self-esteem for a love and belief in myself. I began to be honest about my unhealthy marriage. I began to accept that the person who I a married didn't exist anymore and had not existed for a long while except for short periods of time which I began to depend on seeing despite the long periods of cruel and abusive behavior.
Honestly, I started to love going to bed and waking up peacefully. It became a joy to not have to walk on eggshells in my own home. The more stronger I became the less I missed the madness. Whenever I felt weak or missed him at all, I would go back to my journal or inevitably he would contact me and I was quickly reminded of the chaos that his instablity caused in my personhood and our relationship. I gave him a divorce in 2010. While it was a release, it was hard. No one gets married to get divorced and I never thought I would. Honestly, I married one man and divorced someone entirely different.
Eventually, I met a young man. We became good friends and then he began to court me. I was afraid at first, but I was willing to love and be loved again. We fell in love! We got engaged and we just got married this past January.
It is FANTASTIC being in a peaceful, loving relationship with a man who is emotionally stable and finacially responsible. I feel like a have a new lease on life. I woke up on my birthday incredibly thankful with an amazing revelation. I felt like I had gone through hell with my ex-husband AND I would do it all over again to learn about and love myself this way AND to have this wonderful, fulfilling relationship.
I have since gotten an "apology" via email and text message from my ex for the financial pain he has caused me. (After he left and I healed, my business picked up and I made more money than I ever made in my life.) He has expressed his "regret" for having caused the demise of our marriage. I shared that I had forgiven him for most of the things and I was working on forgiving him for others. Forgiveness is a process, but one that has such reward.
According to my ex-husbands family (of whom my new husband and I are close), my ex is still in denial and refusing to acknowledge his illness. His behavior has become unbearable for some family members. I will continue to pray for him and hope that he gets the help he needs and I am thankful that I am no longer involved with him.
I stood on the promise that God would give me double for my trouble.(Isaiah 61:7) I didn't want my journey to include bi-polar disorder or divorce, but it did. I forgave myself for my actions and inactions and eventually forgave my ex. And now, I am madly in love with me, my spouse and my new life. I am good to me, my new husband is good to me and we work on our relationship! I do beleive that I am a better person and better wife because of my experience.
Again, thank you for sharing your life with me - the good and the bad. I am all the better because of it.
Much love,
I AM STILL STANDING
