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05/19/2012 09:10 AM

Having problems with a bipolar mother(page 5)

care2much
 
Posts: 58
Member

I found the book on Wal-Mart.com so I ordered it. I am hoping it can help me like it helped you. I really think that people with bipolar need to realize how their actions hurt others, and how the bipolar is not only affecting them but everyone around them too. I am hoping some day my mom will get the help she needs and be able to come back to me healthy and whole, I pray for her every night. Thanks again for your help, it means a lot to me to talk to you and others who are going through similar situations. It makes it feel like we are not so alone. I hope you have a great day.
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05/22/2012 10:31 AM
NonBP4JC
NonBP4JC  
Posts: 10
New Member

Good morning.

I noticed this book says "borderline" parent. Is that referring to BiPolar or similar illness where the effects would be the same ??


05/26/2012 09:23 PM
care2much
 
Posts: 58
Member

Hi all.... I am really needing some understanding and moral support and some advice if anyone has any thoughts on how they have handled their situations. I am very confused and stressed out about this whole situation with my mom.

I got another letter from my mom today. She just has me so confused. She says she never told me had to choose between her or my husband, and she said that she never left early when I was having surgery (even though my father and brother and hubby who were there when I woke up told me so when I asked where she was). She claims that I take everything she says the wrong way. She said she is going to support group meetings twice a week now and taking her meds and doing what the doctors tell her to, and she said that she has been trying to fix our relationship and that I am the one who keeps tearing it apart. She says she is tired of fighting to fix it and is done. I kind of want to see her as I miss her very much, but my hubby thinks I should tell her she has to come out to me and make that attempt instead of all me having to do it. I kind of agree with him though that if I tell her that she will come up with an excuse why she can't and why I need to come to her. Neither she nor I drive ( I will for emergencies or short distances, but not very far any more because of all the meds I am on) and she has not drove in years. So where ever we would meet we would have to be dropped off and then have the guys find something else to do so we could visit (and the guys don't get along so big hassle there). It seems that it is always drama with her, and even with not seeing her she is still causing me all kinds of stress.

I go to see the GI doc this Thursday and I have to tell him that my hernia has flared up now and I have been having heartburn pretty bad again, which is probably not a good thing with this healing in there, but the stress that I am under with not knowing what to do with my mom is causing it which is in turn causing the heartburn. Vicious cycle.

I have found such great support on here and I am just struggling so bad as I don't know what to do. She said that for my next surgery she would be there if I wanted her to be, but I think that would just cause more stress for me and my hubby when I need to be calm. I know if I say no though, she is going to make it all about how I want to ruin our relationship and she is trying so hard and I just want to keep screwing it up.

I hate to keep laying all of this on you, my friends in the group but I am just so mixed up. I just don't want to get hurt again, and even though she keeps saying she is taking her meds and getting the help, etc....I have heard this song and dance before and it is just her telling me what she thinks I want to hear. In my last letter I told her that I would continue to write to her but that was all I could do for now, but she seems that that is not enough for her. I hate the way this makes me feel.

On another note, my esophagus is healing up pretty good for the most part from the HALO procedure (unsure how the heartburn is affecting it though) but still can't eat anything real hard. I had some fried chicken strips the other day for lunch and had some pain again, but for the most part am back to eating, but thankfully not gaining the weight that I lost back, so that is good.

Well I look forward to hearing from anyone on what has worked for them. I am still waiting on my copy of the book on borderline parent and am really hopeful it will help me get through the feelings of guilt that I can't seem to shake and that she loves to dump on me by the truckloads. I hope you all have a good holiday weekend.

care2much


05/27/2012 12:16 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11214
Group Leader

Care2much, I was hoping more people with BP parents would respond, but with the holiday weekend, many might be away from their computers.

Could you take this as your mom reaching out to you, but still unwell? She is still blaming YOU and doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility for what SHE did. How about resuming limited contact with her on, say, email? Keep things short and sweet. Don't expect a lot from her. Try not to take what she says to heart? It might be a dumb idea, it just sounds like you want to keep the communication door open...

I can't see her coming for your next surgery as being anything but more stressful for you. You have to take care of your own health first!


05/27/2012 03:51 PM
care2much
 
Posts: 58
Member

Thank you marriedtoit, She doesn't have a computer so email is out that is why we have been writing letters. I know she is probably trying to still reach out, but I don't want to open myself up to more stress and anxiety especially right now. I told her that letter writing is the only thing I can do right now as I can't see how our relationship can move forward if she is not willing to do the work and take some of the blame. I have tried to tell her it is not all of her fault, as some of the fault is my own for allowing her to manipulate me and lie to me all of these years, but it seems like it has to be all my fault or nothing. I just can't go back to that kind of a relationship anymore, I can't do that and be happy myself. I am hoping she can just come to terms that the communication will be there with letters, but other than that I just can't do anything more at this time. I love her, but I can't have her in my life right now other than the letters. I want her to get better, but I have spent 40+ years of my life trying to make her better and she doesn't want to get better as she wants all the pity on her, she tells everyone how I abandoned her and how she is so angry because I will not do what she wants me to do. It just is driving me crazy. I want to see her, but I don't want to go back to that kind of a relationship again where I am pitted between her and my husband or her and my brother, etc all of the time. She is constantly trying to get some of us fighting about something. I just can't live like that any longer.

You are right about the holiday weekend, people are out and about. I just got back from cookout and going out fishing with the hubby tonight to try to relax for a few hours so just checking in myself. Thank you for getting back with me, I really appreciate the input. I hope you have a great surgery. BTW, I totally agree about my surgery being too stressful if she comes so that is a big no for her. I do have to take care of myself. I totally appreciate all of your help, thanks.

care2much


05/29/2012 10:02 PM
oceansaway
Posts: 141
Member

Hi Care2Much,

My mom always blamed me for everything too. I call it crazy making. She made me feel like I was crazy when, in reality, it is her who was crazy. It took me stepping back and seeing a psychologist to see this. Reading that borderline book that I mentioned to you opened my eyes wide open to her behavior. The psychologist couldn't even open my eyes as wide as what that book did...lol.

I think that it is great that you want to continue to talk to her. I would just be very firm with your boundaries. For example, if you tell her that you only want to write letters then just write letters. You can't worry about what she tells other people. She does this to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do.

I've come to the conclusion that they only way that I would ever think of having a relationship with my mother is if she would let me talk to her psychiatrist. It doesn't matter if my mom is there or not. The psychiatrist needs to know the truth so that my mom can get some help. I doubt that this will happen though as my mom was readmitted to the hospital several weeks ago for her borderline and bipolar issues.

I would agree that if your mom came to your surgery that it would create more stress for you. During that time you need to be stress free.

Sorry for the delay in response. Because of the holiday weekend I was super busy.


05/30/2012 08:45 AM
care2much
 
Posts: 58
Member

No problem oceansaway. I understand with the holiday. I was just stressed and had to post while I was on here. I am still waiting on the book, it should be here this week and I can't wait to get started. I know it was really weird as she just knows what buttons to push with me, just in the way she words things or something as just with her last letter she wasn't even here and she had me and my husband arguing over it. And it took him saying to me "are you really going to fall for this" to make me step back and see, wait a minute how did I come to this conclusion when I told her all I wanted to do was write letters. So it was strange to say the least. They are the masters of manipulation that is for sure!!! I know what you mean about not being able to talk to your mother's doctor. I know with my mom back before I stopped talking to her she kept telling me that she was lying to her doctor as she didn't want him to lock her back up (she has been in and out of the psychiatric ward for most of my life off and on)and now when I tell her she needs to get help and be honest with her doctor, all of a sudden she is just so honest with her doctor that around the holidays (which is her worst, worst time ever) that her doctor said she was doing so well that he discharged her from his care. Yeah, mom, pull my other leg while you are at it. So it is just that she is telling me what she thinks I want to hear and not really getting the help or doing the work. So unfortunately, I think that letters is all I am going to be able to do as I don't see how our relationship can progress further from here at this point. I have to protect myself as I don't want to get hurt again and my health was taking a beating with all of her crap. So I have to take care of me now, and she is just going to have to take care of herself and find her own happiness somehow. I just have to keep telling myself that she will try to manipulate me. All of you on here help me a lot too to keep me focused and not let me get eaten by what I have termed as her bipolar dragon that she turns into sometimes. Thanks for all of your support it means a lot.

Sorry to hear about your mom being back in the hospital. Unfortunately, I think that is the best place for the bipolar people sometimes when they get really bad as there is no talking to them or making sense of anything they do or say to try to do anything for them. I hope she gets the help she needs. I will keep praying for you. I hope you have a great day.

care2much


05/30/2012 10:43 PM
oceansaway
Posts: 141
Member

Even though I ended my relationship with my mother, she doesn't stop trying to manipulate me which is so weird. We just had another incident about a month and a half ago. She had a full court press on me by engaging several family members to try to manipulate me. It is very sad and I don't understand why she continues to try to manipulate me. So as you can see even though you do not have a relationship with a bipolar family member the manipulation attempts continue.

It is very sad that we cannot have a relationship with them. I want very much to share my life with her and for her to be in my life. How do you accomplish that with someone that is bipolar? I don't think that it's possible at least that is the conclusion that I've come to. It is very sad. It's such a broken situation. All I can do is sit back and wait to see if she comes to the realization that she needs some help. Our whole family is just broken because of this situation.

I'm glad that you bought that book. It was the most helpful thing to open my eyes. I hope that it brings some peace to your life as you deserve it.


05/31/2012 08:03 AM
care2much
 
Posts: 58
Member

I know what you mean about not seeing how you can have a relationship with her. I am the same way with my mom, I just cannot see this relationship going forward. I will write to her, but that is all I am going to do. My dad told me to stand firm with her and just tell her this is it, you either accept my writing to you or the relationship is over. He has seen how she has treated me all of these years, but me being stubborn never believed it until it hit me upside my head. I guess that was the wake up call I needed.

I am hoping the book will help me as well since I have the guilt going on big time. She keeps trying to suck me in, but I am glad I have the support of everyone on here as well as the rest of my family and last but definitely not least my hubby. I too wish I could share my life with her, I always thought we were close but it turns out it was just the fantasy that she had sucked me into. My dad says that he figures her and her boyfriend feel that the rest of us are just imaginary people in their fantasy world that they want to control, and that is how it seems. My family is broken too, but my dad and brother are supporting me as they see what she does too, it just took me longer to figure it out.

Well I gotta get going to get some work done. I hope you have a great day. Smile


06/07/2012 09:04 AM
care2much
 
Posts: 58
Member

Oceansaway, I just had to say, thank you, thank you, thank you for recommending this book. Even though it is not specifically for bipolar per se, it is right what I needed. I started reading it last night and pretty much the first page before I ever even got to the first chapter I was thinking "oh my gosh, this was written about my mom" I only read the introduction, etc and then the first chapter so far but there are so many things I want to show my husband so he can understand what I went through and am going through a little bit better now hopefully. The list of things that you feel as a child and then as an adult, I had every single one of the child ones and all but the very first one of the adult ones as I am not in a destructive relationship. I have a great husband, which is a big blessing.

I think I am going to look for the other book they talk about, about walking on eggshells as that sounds interesting as well. I just had to send a quick note to thank you again for this wonderful book. It is really helping me so far, and I haven't even gotten that far into it yet.

I hope you have a great day!!!

care2much

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