Bipolar in the family Support Group

After 14 years of marriage I am divorcing my wife. She was diagnosed as Bipolar about 6 years ago after the birth of our second child. I am not divorcing because of her bipolarity. I put up with the drama that comes along with the BP for years as well as the constant lies drug use as well as fits of rage. My kids both (10 and 6) have endured her screaming fits and been the focus of her rants. I tried to hold things together as long as I could. However, the numerous reports of her adultery I cannot get over. She denies the her infidelity but has told others - that along with other evidence all point to her guilt.

I tried to end it as nicely as I could - I offered to help her get a fresh start but she refused my offers. We currently share custody of the kids. and lawyers are involved. After months of legal wrangling and money spent she now wants to go back to my original offer. Life is in limbo.

It looks like we finally go to mediation this month. The problem is she has nothing. She hasn't worked in years and though she was suppose to get a job 2 years ago she couldn't manage to do that. She struggled to get out of bed. She did as little as possible for the last 5 years. I don't have much money but I am going to have to take care of her and my kids as she isn't doing enough to fend for herself. She is out of touch with money and though I have been giving her 25% of my salary while she lives in the house (my home as I owned if prior to the marriage) that I pay all the bills for (though I don't live there)she doesn't feel like I have given her enough.

While life is mentally less stressful not living with her it seems that financially I am going to be in worse shape. I cannot pay to fight for custody of the children though the social study is turning out in my favor. She is not willing to take drug tests so I fear for the kids while they are in her care.

What hope is there in getting her to take some responsibility for herself???

mcain, welcome to the group. Sorry you joined with such bad circumstances.

It sounds like she should apply for disability (SSDI). Sounds like she hasn't work and CAN'T work a regular job. Disability would give her a small but steady income. She would also qualify (if she is granted disability) medicare for her own and her(your) children's healthcare expenses. It can really help to have that as a safety net.

Even if you are using mediation, I would suggest you INSIST on regular drug testing if she is to have unsupervised visits with the kids...or if she is to have primary or joint custody.

I am sorry she would not accept her disease and be proactive about it. I don't think it is possible to live healthily with a mentally ill person who refuses treatment, so I applaud you for getting out for you and your children.

Marriedtoit - thanks. Actually I have been a member for a number of years but haven't posted regularly. In fact, I started this lively discussion some time ago:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-in-the-family- discussions/general-support/414021-pot-smoking-bipolar-wife

Things have continued to spiral out of control since then but that has helped get me to where I am now.

I totally agree with you on insisting for drug tests. Because it will unfortunately be shared custody for our kids I am pushing for the right to call for 3 hair folical tests per year called at my discretion. If she is clean I pay for the test and if she is dirty she pays. We haven't decided on the consequences for the failed test. I feel she should lose custody until she can provide a clean test at the very least. She is going to fight it - we will see. If she cant do drugs she will drink... So either way I feel concern for my kids.

My wife has been seeing a doctor for years but has never found a medicine combination that worked. The BP has never been in control. I recognize people with BP can function on the highest levels but my wife has never been able to do that. when I pick up my kids from the house she is almost always in a robe and often gets out of bed to see them off. The house is dark and filthy. When I have gone in the house my feet stick to the floor - it is truly disgusting. I hate that my children live in that mess. If I could afford to fight and could be assured full custody I would get them out of there. As it stands now I will most likely have them half of the time. So I will provide a safe stable environment for them and do my best to be the reliable parent they deserve.

I wish that she could be proactive to get the proper help and seek a job and a place to live - I wish she felt some ambition or desire. I and others have offered to help her a make this transition but she wont have any of it. At this point she wont consider anything from me. Its a struggle and even in mediation I am not sure that this is going to go well. Currently life is a disaster but worse for my kids than me.

I want to point out something that married said. She needs to apply for disability if she is not capable of working. My husband did not even need a lawyer and got it on his first try. It did not cost us a dime. He gets money for our two daughters as well, which was put in my name. So, that would at least help you out financially.

Post edited by: innerglow, at: 01/21/2012 06:19 PM