Bipolar in the family Support Group

I'm never sure whether to post to this group or to parents of bipolar children. My 27 year old will always be "my child" but she is also a family member....

It's been a while since I have posted or read posts. I have been out of touch with you all for a while, seeing a therapist, focusing on painting my living room and doing some home decorating, something I have never done for myself all my life.

My bipolar daughter is living with her boyfriend and another friend She is holding a job as far as I can tell, complains of money trouble, and asks me to pay for prescriptions and medical visits for her recurring migraines...and I have done so. I no longer pay her very expensive private therapy, she has stopped going. Her therapist told her that to continue therapy with her, she needed to go to an inpatient rehab program first bus she refused. She does not look well, she has lost weight. Her boyfriend has a new black eye or other injury every time I see him which has been four times. He is delusional and talks nonstop....she never gets to say a word.

I am concerned about her. I see her just barely surviving and not getting the help she needs, not taking responsibility for her life, just getting by. She seems so unhappy, and I know that she and her boyfriend have a codependent thing going, and it would be hard for her to leave him no matter how miserable she may be. I have plenty of experience with that, and I am the one who taught it to her. I am not meaning to judge or criticize her for her trouble....but I care and I wish I could do something to help her wake up.

She is not pursuing therapy at mental health center of the special bipolar place that offers treatment for next to nothing -- it is run by a foundation set up to help low income people with bipolar disorder. Whenever she does these things, she expects or asks me to pay for them -- even though she is an independent adult and these are very cheap. And I never dare say no, because I am afraid she won't get help if I don't pay for it. Very codependent.

Money money money is always what she wants from me, and it has reached a point when I think that even paying for medical stuff is enabling her to abuse alcohol and drugs and fail to take responsibility for her condition and her life. We have bad boundaries. I feel guilty for everything and I have been allowing her to treat me like a doormat.

Lately I have come to feel that we are very stuck. It blew up this weekend when I packed up the many, many things she has been storing in her old bedroom for almost ten years, and delivered it to her doorstep. I also asked for my key back, because she uses it to stop in when I am not home to do laundry, even though I asked her not to, and sometimes things are missing after she leaves. Mostly the reason is that I am tired of her using my place for a storage closet...taking a pair of shoes or scarf when she might want it, and dropping off more things that she does not want. I want to paint that room and redecorate it too, make it a den / art studio / guestroom for her and other family members to use for visits. I wanted to make it clear that it is not HER room any more. She does not own it, and I have the right to use it for my own purposes. AFter all, she did move out!!!

She blew up at me, got very offended, took it to mean that she is never welcome in my house again. I could not get a word out, it is impossible for me to talk to her.

And now I feel very, very sad and bad. Hurt and guilty. Same old feelings I have felt toward her every time we have a confrontation. I regret doing it. I do not know how to communicate with her. Once I open my mouth to say anything that she does not like to hear, she gets defensive, and offensive, and then I get antagonized and soon I am shouting things that I planned not to say....

I am losing hope. I am afraid for her future. I cannot afford to pay her medical bills forever. I want to believe that she is capable of getting the help she needs once she truly wants to take responsibility instead of blaming me for her misery. Yes, I caused her no small amount of suffering due to my problems and mistakes and failing to protect her, but my guilt is not helping either of us. I think that she has delusions and won't face that it is up to her and no one else. I cannot make her see that.

What do i do?

It has reached the point where we are becoming truly "estranged" -- I do not want to disown her, and I do not want her to disown me. I want a real relationship and I am willing to go to therapy with her, most certainly at my expense. If she has another crisis and cannot pay her rent, I do not think I could stand having her stay with me again. Me and my boyfriend walked on eggshells with her the entire time. There were problems that we needed to address but when we tried to talk, she would go into a suicidal rage. But how do you turn your back on your child no matter how old and difficult they are? That's it, I do not want to turn my back on her but I feel that is what I am starting to do.

I offered that we go to therapy together, I guess it is up to her now. It hurts so much to dread dealing with my own child and to hear and feel her hatred toward me, and to not be able to trust her and to feel I need to change the locks.

Any advice, words of wisdom, anyone?

You already know what to do and you're doing it, you said what you wanted to whether in the heat of the moment or not, it is what you genuinely felt at that time and it got said regardless. You did the right thing, you cannot continue to feel guilty and allow yourself to enable your daughter as you are doing. Yes, I said enable because that's what you're doing and you're well aware of it because you've indicated it repeatedly in your post. Continue on the road you've already begun, separate yourself from her, no matter how difficult that is, because she will get help because she has no other resource but to do so, because she will not want to live the life she will be relegated to without your intervention. I realize how difficult this is but it will be more difficult to see her steadily decline more in front of your eyes because you were unable to refuse her anything. Now is the time for you to self-care and tell her so. Tell her as best you can that you love her beyond measure and you will always want and desire a relationship but that you cannot continue to allow her to manipulate you and enable her as a result. You want her to get better and this will allow her to do just that - for herself. Then begin the slow process of healing, try to find a support group where you can see you are not alone in your struggle. You need someone to tell you that you're doing the right thing for both of you. Stand firm and in so doing, you're being the best Mom you can be for your daughter. God bless you both, and if you are a believer I suggest that you pray for your daughter's recovery and for you to find the peace you need in knowing you're doing the right thing. God bless.

Post edited by: lindyvan, at: 01/03/2012 02:34 PM

Thank you so much, Lindyvan, for the encouragement and support. I appreciate the honesty and I will keep your words in mind to help counteract my fear and doubt in myself.

Transcending, I agree with Lindy. I had to do this to my daughter two years ago when she was just 18 and decided to leave home. It was the hardest thing in the world to do to an 18 year old. But, having grownup with a bipolar brother, I knew where this would lead if I didn't nip it in the bud at the righttime. I was scared to death. I feared for her safety every day. I cried for weeks. It was extremely hard. I knew she'd either come crashing back or that could harm herself. I thank God every day that she came crashing back... all with new boundaries and the same rules that she had tried to avoid. We had two hospitalizations after that and alot of struggles to get the right meds and we had ALOT of intensive DBT therapy (some that we did together). Here we are two years later. She is living at home and going to college. She has been stable. College is tough because some meds have interfered with her memory. But her moods have been stable and my sweet little girl is back who I had not seen for a couple of years.

There are many parents who have been and are going through what you are. There are many of us in the other group. Keep coming to these groups for support. I could not have done it without these groups. Keep learning all you can.

I love these success stories, web! transcending: I agree with lindy and web. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is let them go and face the consequences of their actions. I hope that your daughter will get the help she needs soon!