Bipolar in the family Support Group

Hi everyone,

I'm new to MDJunction and this is the first time I have ever joined a support group. My husband is not diagnosed BP, but diagnosed with depression. When I read descriptions of BP spouses here, though, he fits them to a tee. We are on the verge of either looking at divorce or trying to work through our many issues. Has anyone ever had success working through issues alone with their BP spouse, or is a mediator/counselor a must in this situation? The thought of trying to have a serious conversation, the consequences of which could result in divorce if not done correctly, with someone so irrational scares me. Has anyone ever had good success with marriage counseling with their BP spouse?

We are in our 4th month, since he was put on medication, in counseling. I can say we have made progress, very very slow progress. He and I are in individual counseling as well.

Thanks for that- Do you try and work things out without the counselor, or do you wait until you have the session to do that?

If hubby is stable on meds, it can work. If not, in my own experience I have found I would rather not councel with him when he's not stable because evertyhing gets twisted, taken the wrong way, etc and it seemed to make things worse at home.

Is he taking antidepressants? Be very careful if he is. Some can bring about a manic episode. Have you spoken to his doc about your suspicion it may be BP? The doc can't give you any info on your hubby but he/she can listen to what you have to say.

I can't say that he is stable on meds although he takes Lamictal and Deplin. The smallest things set him off, this last one had him not speaking to me for over a week because he couldn't get over the anger. However, he says he wants to work on the issues that set him off (of course, it's me that apparently is the one who makes him mad). I just can't imagine tackling such emotionally charged topics without someone there to help because of his extremely short fuse.

But, I saw some posts that suggested perhaps if there were boundaries set for these times that we are working on stuff, that maybe, just maybe, it could work even outside of the counselor's office. Of course, it also sounds quite a painfully slow process with the spouse of the BP person still not getting much satisfaction or recognition for the patience it takes to get even baby steps accomplished.

Unfortunately the ones they feel closest too are usually the targets. I would start with councelling since he's willing and see if you can make some progress with the BP issues first. Hopefully, he'll be stable enough to handle the rest shortly. I would not try to handle too much at home if his fuse is short. If he seems ok, you can ask him what he thinks would be good to do when he gets angry, like separate for a while, maybe and hour or 2?

Yes, that is exactly the type of idea I'm looking for-how to set rules or boundaries for how we will act when we are trying to tackle the problems/issues. I know I will be able to follow whatever rules we decide on, but whether he will or not is yet to be seen. The last time I tried to talk to him he was sarcastic, verbally abusive, and could not listen to anything that didn't match his idea that I "never" listen and I "never" apologize when I'm wrong and I "never" support him... you get the picture. I guess I don't have to be in a hurry here. that's what I'm trying to tell myself. If things are going to work out, I will see some progress. If they aren't, I will know that, too, in time. I tend to get a little anxious to make a move or a decision when I'm backed against the wall so to speak. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

Haninginthere,

Mine is on lamictal 200mgs and they just added ambilify 5mg. We try to deal with our issues without the counselor present. It is left to me to call the timeout when he (my loving husband) disappears and the other guy shows up. It is extremely hard not to get caught up in the chaos and argument. It is painful in the meantime, sometimes it feels hopeless. We put the timeout rules in place. I or he leaves the premises, the one who leaves tells the other where he/she is going and what he/she is doing then checks in ever 30 mins. It is usually him that leaves. Then, it is up to me to test the waters to see if my husband has returned. Its like a switch is flipped and there is the man I love again, the jerk is gone. I wish I knew where the switch was, I would tape it on loving husband. We both see our individual counselors every week as well as the marriage counselor. It is very expensive. Hope this has helped.

Yes, it definitely helps to know what kind of strategies might work. I like the idea of calling the time out and checking in if you leave. It's good that you can talk again in a couple of hours. It has been almost two weeks now and he "might" be ready to talk to me soon.... that is what gives me the hopeless feeling, that much of the rest of our married lives might have me waiting to see if he's going to talk to me again. I guess maybe that's why I don't want to talk to him without a counselor this time. Might set him off for a month- who knows? We might have to just work up to talking things out without the counselor as a goal.

hanginthere

As you know bioplar disorder is a chemical imbalance . I know unless that can be nanaged with meds then counseling will not help someone that is not thinking clearly and thier emotions are all over the place . I think meds and counseling need to be part of the treatment plan .