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11/12/2011 07:19 PM

My mom told me I was to blame for my bipolar son

Posts: 24

Ok, I am 51 and was just told 2 days my mother considers me the root of Spencer's bipolar and the cause of him being in jail and thus I caused the fight that led him to attack me. She told me I hadn't been a good mother. Funny how I am a grown woman and yet she makes me feel like a little kid. I raised my son on my own, I had been in an awful accident and in the hospital for a year. Yet, during that time I planned a birthday party high on morphine, having blood transfusions and she has the nerve to say I wasn't a good mother. She told me in not so many words that had I been a good mother we woudn't be in the postition I find myself in. That he wouldn't be bipolar. I guess I was suppose to make sure this 25 year old man took his meds. I guess I was suppose to have him take them in front of me. If I had then she would have told me I was treating him like a baby. I guess in her mindset I deserved to have him try and kill me. I was just starting to get a clear head about this whole thing. Now with a few words she plunges me into a depression. How do I tell Dave, my hsuaband I feel myself going into a depression. While I don't wanna kill myself right now I think this depression will get that bad. How do I tell him that?? How do you tell your husband your going into a major depression caused by being told I was a bad mother. My mother told me years ago, I was a fuck up. Yup her words. I was a fuck up. I was the only one in the family to have an abortion,the only one to get divorced,the only one to be a single parent,all of my failures. And for awhile I believed her. And now well she did it again and I find myslef thinking she is right. I caused Spencer to be bipolar, had I accted correctly he wouldn't have had to try and kill me. I am sorry to post this here but I need to vent and get some comments some reassurance for parent of bipolar kids. That this was his fault and yet it wasn;t his fault. On some level and big level it was. he knew what he was like when he stopped his meds. He knew it was wrong and not the smartest move because he flushed the pills and knew when levels would be checked to take it to get it in his system. Why would he want to ruin his life like this?? why why why??

11/13/2011 02:44 PM
Posts: 150

A 25 year old is an adult and must decide for himself if he chooses to take his meds. I choose to take mine, whether or not someone is watching me. You cannot watch someone 24/7. Like you, I had a critical mother. I realize that I did not have to accept her unfounded criticisms to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. You cannot take responsibility for every genetic thing that happens to your kids. Otherwise, I would have hated my parents for everything! You need to take care of yourself first, even if that means staying away from your mother for awhile. If she's not part of the solutions, maybe she's part of the problem! Please be kind to yourself. That will be the best thing you can do for you and for those around you. You do NOT deserve to be punished, so stop letting people punish you and stop punishing yourself.

11/13/2011 05:15 PM
Posts: 1866
Senior Member

your mom sounds like she is the one who needs help, maybe it's all HER FAULT! no, really, she sounds straight out mean, don't let her foolish comments get to you!

big hugs!!

11/13/2011 06:32 PM
sososad51Posts: 2390
VIP Member

Hab, There is no way you can control brain chemistry. He was not taking meds. He is not a child, he is a 25 y.o. man. He knows that when he doesn't take meds, he becomes unstable. This is not your fault. Hang in there, take care of you.

11/14/2011 07:58 AM
sallyoPosts: 3684
Senior Member

You DID NOT cause your son's bipolar, he must be responsible and willing to take his meds in order to get any better, and it's obvious that you ARE a good mother.

I'm sorry your mother is being so verbally abusive; don't let her get to you. Be good to yourself, and let your husband know how you feel so he can help you get through this.

11/20/2011 05:15 PM
sallyoPosts: 3684
Senior Member

I have to admit I had the same reaction. I was trying to be polite, but really . . . !

11/22/2011 11:50 PM
Posts: 1802
VIP Member

To keep it short and sweet, I guess that would make HER an accessory to the fact and therefore guilty of all that she wishes to accuse you of. After all, if it we not for her, you would not exist and therefore your son would not exist. End of conversation.

PS: Don't beat yourself up over her ignorance. Absolutely nothing constructive can result from your doing so.

((hugs out to you and helping you feel a bit better about doing and being the best mother you could be!))

11/23/2011 11:59 AM
sallyoPosts: 3684
Senior Member

invisible: no offense taken. I think you're right about calling out abusers. I was just wishing I had been a little more blunt about what I thought of hab's mother's behavior. Smile

12/01/2011 12:18 AM
Posts: 13310
VIP Member


i understand

all of it.

I take the heat for my sons arrest record too.

My brother tried to kill my mom and shot our step father when i was a kid.

Brother thinks he is a hero.

Its all Moms fault he tells me last week.

No. Asshat, it is YOURS

and thank you for shattering my family.

its like a generational curse.

i am select about who i talk to about it.

i can tell the story and ppl want to get away from me, like I am the one with issues.


maybe I do.

I have PTSD.

The asshats have the issues.

The stories of my family are so full of

violence and mental illness.

People assume

that I too, am like them.

no, i survived them.

I understand what you are going through.

It is not your fault that you were abused by your son.

My sons father blames me for our sons criminal record of DV assault.

My son blames me.

My brother blames my Mom

.....and the beat goes on.

I saw my brother last week for the first time since we were teens.

He was in prison then.

He is out, and still blames Mom

he tells me he would have killed her too if she had been home.

Thanks asshat

for not killing my mother.






My other brothers, tell me this is my fault.



is the matter with these ppl

they have no accountability.

no responsibility

and i have a hard time believing

that i am related to them,

I have talked to my Mom about the shooting. It devastated her. She has severe PTSD.

My little brother (who caught four shots to his chest during the murder of his father, he was 4 at the time) committed suicide four years ago.

This is the stuff, that movies are made of.

I know, it is possible for it to be real.

We were shunned .

We have suffered.

I have lost

a family in all this.

I ran like hell from them years ago.

My son and I are estranged.

It is all

untreated mental illness.

I am so sorry.

i understand.

I heard about your thread from a friend that knew my story.

I had to let you know

none of this is your fault.

You were a good Mom.

I was a good Mom to my son.

My Mother was a good Mom to us.

Somewhere, last year, after loosing my spouse to a TBI and mental illness...

loosing my son

i began to understand my Mom. How she became who she is today.

She is angry



controlling and then some....she is

a drunk. she fell into a bottle and came up for air to find her youngest child, was dead. she has barely began to live again.

i get that.

i get her..

i try to learn not what to do from her


i dont think, there will ever be a day that i do not shed a tear from the heartbreak of all of this.

my tears, tonight

my prayers tonight

will be for you too.

xo xo xo xo xo

12/01/2011 12:25 AM
Posts: 11209
Group Leader

Hab, Hope you are still reading this thread! I shouted "Amen" when I read it!

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