Bipolar in the family Support Group

Ok, I am 51 and was just told 2 days my mother considers me the root of Spencer's bipolar and the cause of him being in jail and thus I caused the fight that led him to attack me. She told me I hadn't been a good mother. Funny how I am a grown woman and yet she makes me feel like a little kid. I raised my son on my own, I had been in an awful accident and in the hospital for a year. Yet, during that time I planned a birthday party high on morphine, having blood transfusions and she has the nerve to say I wasn't a good mother. She told me in not so many words that had I been a good mother we woudn't be in the postition I find myself in. That he wouldn't be bipolar. I guess I was suppose to make sure this 25 year old man took his meds. I guess I was suppose to have him take them in front of me. If I had then she would have told me I was treating him like a baby. I guess in her mindset I deserved to have him try and kill me. I was just starting to get a clear head about this whole thing. Now with a few words she plunges me into a depression. How do I tell Dave, my hsuaband I feel myself going into a depression. While I don't wanna kill myself right now I think this depression will get that bad. How do I tell him that?? How do you tell your husband your going into a major depression caused by being told I was a bad mother. My mother told me years ago, I was a fuck up. Yup her words. I was a fuck up. I was the only one in the family to have an abortion,the only one to get divorced,the only one to be a single parent,all of my failures. And for awhile I believed her. And now well she did it again and I find myslef thinking she is right. I caused Spencer to be bipolar, had I accted correctly he wouldn't have had to try and kill me. I am sorry to post this here but I need to vent and get some comments some reassurance for parent of bipolar kids. That this was his fault and yet it wasn;t his fault. On some level and big level it was. he knew what he was like when he stopped his meds. He knew it was wrong and not the smartest move because he flushed the pills and knew when levels would be checked to take it to get it in his system. Why would he want to ruin his life like this?? why why why??

A 25 year old is an adult and must decide for himself if he chooses to take his meds. I choose to take mine, whether or not someone is watching me. You cannot watch someone 24/7. Like you, I had a critical mother. I realize that I did not have to accept her unfounded criticisms to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. You cannot take responsibility for every genetic thing that happens to your kids. Otherwise, I would have hated my parents for everything! You need to take care of yourself first, even if that means staying away from your mother for awhile. If she's not part of the solutions, maybe she's part of the problem! Please be kind to yourself. That will be the best thing you can do for you and for those around you. You do NOT deserve to be punished, so stop letting people punish you and stop punishing yourself.

your mom sounds like she is the one who needs help, maybe it's all HER FAULT! no, really, she sounds straight out mean, don't let her foolish comments get to you!

big hugs!!

Hab, There is no way you can control brain chemistry. He was not taking meds. He is not a child, he is a 25 y.o. man. He knows that when he doesn't take meds, he becomes unstable. This is not your fault. Hang in there, take care of you.

You DID NOT cause your son's bipolar, he must be responsible and willing to take his meds in order to get any better, and it's obvious that you ARE a good mother.

I'm sorry your mother is being so verbally abusive; don't let her get to you. Be good to yourself, and let your husband know how you feel so he can help you get through this.

Hab: When I have the time to do so I will write a longer and more eloquent response to your post than the one I am about to leave.

For now I will simply say that reading about your mother made me want to punch a f--king wall.

I also think that your mother should change her name to I AM JUST ANOTHER BAD MOTHER WHO IS TORMENTING MY CHILD FOR NOT OTHER REASON THAN I AM EMOTIONALLY UNHEALTHY.

Post edited by: invisiblenyc, at: 11/20/2011 03:52 PM

I have to admit I had the same reaction. I was trying to be polite, but really . . . !

sallyo: those of us who are members of this forum found MDJ because we were driven to seek help from others regarding the actions of people who are seemingly at peace with their tormenting another human being. It is never my first choice to want to respond to another person's pain by expressing nothing more than my disgust for their tormentor(s) but after having been through hell with my BP ex and my BP mom I have become a lot more comfortable with calling people out for their unhealthy BS. I am done overcompensating for other people's BS. I always prefer to be polite but sometimes politeness needs to be laid down for a nap in it's crib so that honesty can be let out of it's cage in order to deal with the moment and the issue at hand.

BTW, this was written with a smile in my heart for you. Please don't think that I took any slight from your post: I am simply speaking up for the idea that the emotionally unhealthy f--kers in this world need to be called out for who and what they are. No one deserves to be abused in any manner, including Hab. No excuses should be accepted for abusive behavior or made for the abuser even if they are a blood relative.

Post edited by: invisiblenyc, at: 11/21/2011 07:54 PM

To keep it short and sweet, I guess that would make HER an accessory to the fact and therefore guilty of all that she wishes to accuse you of. After all, if it we not for her, you would not exist and therefore your son would not exist. End of conversation.

PS: Don't beat yourself up over her ignorance. Absolutely nothing constructive can result from your doing so.

((hugs out to you and helping you feel a bit better about doing and being the best mother you could be!))

invisible: no offense taken. I think you're right about calling out abusers. I was just wishing I had been a little more blunt about what I thought of hab's mother's behavior.