Bipolar in the family Support Group

Hello everyone!

I've posted on here several times in the past year. I don't repeat my posts because most every incident is the same unfortunately with my mother. This week she went on a rant saying how terrible I am and what a "fake bitch" I am to everyone around me. She bashes my boyfriend who I've been in a relationship with for 6 years and is a very narcissistic person.

The thing is...she isn't getting any better. Last thanksgiving she nearly choked me to death because we were in a fight and I wanted to leave. I left with bruises and cuts all over my body and just let the issue go hoping I wouldn't have to permanently cut her out of my life. Nothing physical has happened since but the emotional abuse never changes. It's constantly "You owe me an apology for what you said" "you hurt me" "I'm sorry for what I said BUT you need to say sorry too". I don't feel sorry for what I say anymore. I just defend myself and argue back with her when she says hurtful things.

My question is:

When do you cut a parent off?

She lives 5 minutes away from me and it stinks she lives so near to me. I worry that not talking to her will make her kill herself but it's so toxic to me. She calls me up to 30 times a day when she gets mad and leaves hateful voicemails. She does this when I'm in class (I'm a senior in college) or at rehearsal/shows (I do musical theatre). I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't want to be a terrible person for cutting her off or feel guilty if she harms herself because of it. But it's making me emotionally drained.

Hi, song! I've been wondering how you're doing. It sounds like she's still abusing you verbally and being extremely manipulative, and that isn't acceptable. Are you still talking to her/your therapist?

I think it's time to at least set boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate. For example, tell her not to call you so often (especially in class and at theatre), and if she keeps on calling, turn the phone off.

Really, it's time to focus on you and your future, and since she's still refusing to take responsibility for her actions cut contact with her. There are a number of others who are in your situation here, so just know you're not alone.

I haven't gone to a therapist at all :/ I know I'll need to eventually I just keep putting it off. She is threatening my future because of her hatred for my boyfriend. She hopes he leaves me just to prove her right.

I don't know. Will I be a bad person if I stop talking to her?

No, you're not a bad person for not wanting to talk to her, especially with all of the verbal and emotional abuse that she's heaped on you.

Hi Song-

I have had to do this same thing recently with my mother. She calls, harrasses me, and basically plots to ruin my future. She does these things for attention, and while I understand her condition, I will not let it ruin my life.

No matter what, you need to live your own life, and you cannot let someone dictate it through constant insults and manipulation. I have recently been seeing a therapist, and have also blocked my mother from calling my phone.

I do have a deep regret, and feel much anguish from cutting her off, but for me, after 32 years, I cannot take it anymore. I kept thinking she would change, but things just keep getting worse.

I understand what you are going through, and I'm sorry. I hope this helps.

Hi Song! I am new to this group but as I read your post I know just how you feel. My father is bipolar and some other terms I cannot spell. You must put your mental and Physical health first. I try to limit our relationship to phone calls as much as possible. When the verbal abuse begins I do not have contact with him for a awhile until he has calmed down. Sometimes it takes 6 months or more. Cutting off contact does not have to be permanent. Then I call regularly again to let him know I care and I love him. I try my best NOT to argue. There is no point because he is not rational. You can not have a rational conversation with a irrational person. I have to remind myself all the time that he is sick. It is NOT my fault. Arguing only makes things worse for me AND him. I have panic attacks often after his flare ups.Most of all I take my burden to the Lord and He is there to pick me up and share my burden. Please talk to someone because keeping it in will only increase you suffering.

Excellent advice smilethrough and tupperlady! Welcome to the forum; so glad you're here!

Post edited by: sallyo, at: 11/11/2011 08:08 AM

Post edited by: sallyo, at: 11/11/2011 08:09 AM

I know what you mean that it doesn't have to be permanent but for now...it seems like it has to be. She hasn't changed in the 11 years since the court order when my grandparents got custody. I found a cocaine pipe at her house the other day and she blamed it on my uncle. She almost choked me to death last year and told me "I deserved it" because I wasn't respectful. Now a days I'm afraid to be near her when she is like this. I talk to her on the phone regularly and she just constantly snaps on there too.

There is no getting away from her other than cutting off the contact it seems. I feel like I owe her an apology constantly. I don't think I do but at this point I can't tell when I do or don't. I only argue back with her when she pushes my buttons but I know there is no point. I don't say anything mean but the truth and want her to listen and get so frustrated that she doesn't but I do what you above do and remind myself that she is a sick person.

I do need to see a therapist. I need to figure this stuff out. I just don't want to be a bad person or feel guilty for stopping contact with her.

I envision my wedding in a few years and want it all peaceful and happy but all I see her doing is ruining it. I don't want that.

We can not change our parents so don't try. You will be happier.

Amalzingsong,

I came to this board only a few months ago with a similar situation regarding my mother. She has been bipolar for 20 years without admitting it, and disrupted the lives of our family repeatedly without ever taking responsibility when she was lucid. I know most of that is a self-protective measure on her part, but the sad truth is that the love of her family is not as important to her psychologically as the denial. The result is that after 20 years of seeing the damage she causes to the people who love her I no longer have any desire to have a relationship with her. I wish for her to be well, but unless and until she can seek help and accept that the damage comes from her behaviour, that she is not the victim of a vast conspiracy, I have absolutely no desire left to know her.

All of that is to say... don't feel guilty. Your mother is the only person who can take the step towards getting help, and you are young and beginning your life- that is where your energy should be focussed. Maybe making a stand now will actually help her- maybe it won't. You have to do it for YOUR sake. You are worth it.