Bipolar in the family Support Group

I met my boyfriend a little over a year and a half ago. It was stuff that story books are made of, a sort of love at first sight. We were using the term I love you only after 4 months of being together. To this day he has never had anything to say about myself, our relationship or my children ( i have 2 to a previous marriage) that wasn't all about this being the perfect fit for him and how much he loves us and wants to be together. After a year of dating we decided to move in together at which point my oldest boy asked him if he could call him dad, needless to say we were all ecstatic. He was so proud to be called daddy and was always talking about how much his little family meant to him. He was always sort of secretive about his phone from day one but before we lived together i always sort of pushed it aside thinking that i had no right to pry. Well, after we started living together i started really noticing the obsessive behavioiur with his phone (ie: always password protected, even slept with it) so after bottling it up for several months i confronted him and he agreed to lift the passwords and stop being so secretive about it. Well, he lifted the password but continued to carry it on his person absolutely every moment of the day except to charge it at night so curiosity got the best of (which i felt sick about invading his privacy but felt like he was hiding things from me) i searched his phone and at the time i only found a secret friendship relationship with his ex wife which i have to admit made me quite jealous only because he had lied to me about talking to her. I confronted him and the strange explanations began. All he would ever say is ' I don't know why" it then became a clockwork routine about once a month it was something else his best friend from high school, his sisters friend etc (which i wouldn't have even cared about had he just told me) In April of this year, he gave me a promise ring and i felt like i was on top of the world. About 2 weeks later the secretive behaviour returned with his phone so i decided to check his phone again. To my utter disbelief there was a girl on there with naked pics of herself saying things like for your eyes only no sharing. i am probably one of the most old fashioned people i know and i was crushed, those are things he is only supposed to do with me. The next day i packed some overnight clothes for my children and i and went to stay at a friends. He talked me into to coming home and promised that it would never happen again and once again said i am really sorry but i honestly "don't know why" Over the course of the next 3 weeks his mood became incredibly down to the point that he would look and speak to my children like he hated them. He lost his Job cuz "they were picking on him" and would go into teary periods and then become really angry the next minute. So yet again i decided to check his phone. I found saved pictures from this same girl for that very day. I lost it, I panicked so I phoned her and she said that she didn't know anything about me or our family and that she and him had spent the day together doing "things". I hung up the phone and in a rage stormed up stairs. I called him every filthy name under the sun and packed my bags. The following saturday i removed the rest of my things from our home and was prepared to "move on" heart broken was putting it mildly. Just before i was ready to leave with the last load he approached me in tears and asked if me and my family (parents included) would consider meeting with him and his family cuz he needed to share some things with us that might make this easier on me. After a huge argument i finally agreed. We showed up for that meeting and his family informed us that he had been diagnosed bipolar at a young age but up until recently had been medicated or in treatment in some form but was afraid of being chastised so decided to go off the meds. I didn't want to believe that an illness could make someone betray the most important thing in a faithful relationship so said i would need time to think about it. over the next 2 weeks i reseached it to the point of obsession and suddenly everything started making sense to me. the mood swings the compulsive lying and eventually could come to terms with the infidelity. I guess now my problem is coming to terms with whether his illness is just an excuse for me to forgive him and i am berrated with doubts as to how much of it was mania and how much was "personal" my children are devastated that we r "broken" as they put it and so am i. Since then he has professed his undying love and that he now has a reason to stay medicated and get help and stick with it. We went to the doctor together today and the doc prescribed abilify which i wasn't crazy about sorta wanted to start with valproic acid and go from there.

However, long story short i was hoping for some support because i am so confused and hurt and angry but also hopeful. I do not know whether to believe it was only mania and it will never happen again or if he is just using his lllness to make me forgive him. I have 2 boys that adore and love him to death and i am terrified to hurt them again too but also don't want to take their dad away. I love him to death also but don't know if i can forgive.......help!

Sorry you didn't know from the beginning. The stygma attached to the disorder can be overwhelming. It was good and took alot of courage to come out to you and your family together it says alot about his trust for you. Actively seeking help is also encouraging. I question the reason only out of a personal opinion. My wife sees her doc and takes her meds for her not me. She needed to want stability in her life not for me. Seperating the person from the disorder can be difficult but necessary because they are very different. As far as mania and depression never happening again well that just isn't going to happen ever BP is lifelong. With treatment and meds it can be good but no matter what episodes will hapen period. You have to have boundarys in place,a plan for your own well being as well as the kids if you decide to continue with your relationship. There's triggers to identify that cause episodes. You have to develop a thick skin at times because things will be said or happen that will leave you feeling hurt angry and confused. There's alot to learn and do. Would I do it over again....without a doubt. My wife is very proactive in her own mental health. She's not scared to ask for help or even ask to be admitted to inpatient when things get too much for her to handle. We always talk about her actions after an episode and learn something from them. If you decide to stay you will have to learn to forgive. There are things that a person with BP has no control over thats just the way it is and very unfortunate. My wife didn't wake up one day and ask to be BP and her disorder weighs on her too. I'm just saying it's hard at times real hard and you do have children to think about. I hope you find some peace any questions just ask...........

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have this same post in another support group as well and i gotta be honest your's is only the second positive one i have received. they are all saying once a cheater always a cheater and honestly i want to believe that no matter how bad the mania gets it will never lead here again atleast. I am hoping that if we try hard enough that we can atleast control it from getting that bad ever again. Again thank you!

Unfortunately in an open forum you get alot of negativity. I had to back away from alot of groups because of that issue and poor me syndrome too much bashing and disrespect. Anyway sure anything is possible with mania comes the hypersexuality and my wife said it can rule you if you let it. Usually she turns all of her excess energy on me lol I'm not complaining but it sure gets physically draining. It could have easily been an isolated incident. I believe you can work through anything but like I always say it takes two for it to work. If he's willing to see a doc by all means let him, see if you can go with him you'll gain some insight too. He has to have help it's impossible to do it otherwise. With a doc meds therapy and teamwork it can be done it'll still be bumpy but not impossible anymore..

if he really is sorry for his actions....it can work.

now is the time for you to lay down some rules.

he will have to go to the pdoc, and you are allowed to go with him.

he will have to take his meds as prescribed, and change meds as the pdoc sees fit.

tell him, AND MEAN IT, that if he ever goes out on you again, it is over.

i say these things because exactly what you have written has happened to me. my hubby was unfaithful, in a full blown manic. i have only felt that kind of pain once before, and that was when my 1st husband died. he could not help dying, but this hubby could help himself, by not being unfaithful. i know the pain you are going thru

hubby was truly sorry and wanted to work things out,"because he loved me with all his heart,and couldn't make it without me"

that is where the rules came in.

this has been about 5 yrs ago. i am starting to trust him again, he is giving me no reason not to. i have forgiven him, but have not forgotten.

he is currently following all the rules, and we are steadily working on our marriage. i think we have a pretty good shot....now....

good luck

joyce

Cynamon: Welcome to the group. The important thing is that he wants to control his mania and has the tools to do so. It may take some time to get the right combination of meds and therapy, so don't give up. In addition to learning about the disorder, make sure you also find ways to cope with it. The NAMI family-to-family program is one place to start.

There likely will be set-backs, but, as txbiker says, it can be done.

Make sure that you take care of yourself emotionally also, and remember that advice given is just someone's opinion that you can take or leave.

yes he has agreed to stay medicated and has the pdoc appts all booked and has asked me to attend everyone of them. I have laid down some very harsh rules and he took them with ease and even volunteered information that he didn't have to. I took away his internet priviledges, deleted his email accts with the esception of one (that i now have the password to) deleted his facebook acct and installed software on his phone that allows me to view every conversation sent or received as well as all phone calls in and out. Not once did he complain and we did this all together. I truly want to believe this can work and I think I have already decided in my own mind that I am in this for the long haul. I have already told him very enthusiastically that I will not buy this excuse the next time cuz if there is a next time then we didn't try hard enough to avoid the situation. thank you all so very much

Cynamon, congratulations. It sounds like you really have a good grip on the situation and are doing everything you can. It is so encouraging that he is agreeing to all of that. He must really love you, and vice versa. Best wishes.

I've been through this exact thing....except no naked pics...I think....lol Anyway, the infidelity issue...hypersexuality associated with bipolar mania. Devastating, I know. I'll tell you my story sometime, if you are interested. I had the same question over and over and over and over and over and over.......was it all mania or was there a true desire for him to go outside our relationship. I know it is hard to believe and doesn't make any sense at all to us who are looking on at this type of behavior. Not everyone with bipolar disorder has hypersexuality as a manic action, and it helps to realize that some people with bp/hypersexuality have less ability to control themselves because of the severity of the mania at the moment. Others, when the mania is lower (hypomania) stand a better chance of controlling themselves, no matter what the manic action is...hypersexuality/risky sexual encounters, gambling, lying, stealing, raging, spending too much money, etc. Just about anything can occur because this illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain and can only be controlled by medications to "correct" the chemical imbalance, when out of sorts. In my opinion, when in a full blown mania, the chemicals are VERY OFF and anything goes. It is imperative that an individual with bipolar NEVER quit taking the prescribed meds for their disorder, unless the pdoc (psychiatrist) changes their meds, etc. which does happen from time to time. Sometimes a particular med will no longer work best for the person or for whatever reason it becomes necessary to change the meds. Anyway, during a mania I have coined the word "hijacked" as a description of bipolar mania. From everything my husband tells me and ALOT of other people on mdj who have bipolar disorder....it seems they can see everything that is happening and it is as if they are looking at the situation but not able to control it or stop it, sometimes. Like being hijacked. Bipolar Disorder definitely makes the sufferers of the illness....victims, which in turn causes a domino effect to others they love and/or are around during their episodes, whether manic or depressive in nature. Yes, I do believe it is possible for a person with bipolar, while in mania, exhibiting hypersexuality as an action at that time, to totally engage in sexual activities they normally would NEVER do and of course, cry and feel extreme guilt and torment later when they get mentally stablized in their brains and their thinking begins to clear. Alot of people can't stick by their loved ones because it hurts too much. I thought that myself, last year. I don't know if I can do it again. The two dealbreakers my hubby and I came up with are as follows:

1) He must always keep every pdoc appt, always take his meds, always strive for his own stability

2) He must never again engage in any inappropriate actions/speech with another woman

It is possible to control both of the above, because when mania hits...there is a time, in my opinion, if nipped early enough by meds, etc., it can help them control their actions, choices, and decisions during the manic or depressive episodes. But the person with bipolar must be willing to do WHATEVER it takes early on. Basically, their willingness to be stable plays the biggest role in their ability to achieve stability. Take care. Keep posting. We are here for you. Welcome to this site and to the other site, Bipolar Spouses in Active Relationships. I know you aren't married but that's okay. Alot of folks on there are married, single, or dating their significant other. The biggest thing is they are all trying their very best to work out their active relationships. Some of us make it, some of us don't. But we try. Take care, God bless!

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 07/03/2011 04:19 AM

Cynamon, my ex is bi-polar as well. What I've learned from this group though is that just because he's bi-polar, doesn't mean he has to be a rageing douchebag when ever he gets angry or feels out of control.

I often have a lot of guilt because I feel like a lot of my ex's abusive behavior was due to daily if not every other day manic episodes of anger and anxiety. My ex wanted to get help, but couldn't afford it. He also wouldn't get sober. He comes from a very long line of drug abuse and family emotional abuse. He and I never really stood a chance.

If your boyfriend is willing to keep going to the pdoc and stay on his meds, I think you have a good shot here.

Unfortunately I disagree with having total control over his life. At what point will you be able to trust him enough not to read every text message or every e-mail he receives? Yes, you are setting it up to where you can know everything that he's allowing you to see in his life, but your also setting him up to maybe go out and buy another cell phone or start another "secret" e-mail or facebook account. Eventually you're going to have to trust him again. He may be willing to do that for you now, but eventually he's going to want you to trust him. Reading everything he receives and writes is in no way showing your trust for him.

I understand why you do not trust him. But until you can learn to trust him again, if it is an option for you, I wouldn't live with him. Be there for him, but maintain your own space and integrity with your children as well. Date, bring your kids out to see him all the time, maybe he can stay over a few nights a week, but I definately recommend keeping your own living space while you and he are working through your trust issues.

I get the impression that this will take you quite some time to forgive and move on. Then again, maybe I am just projecting. I truelly haven't been able to forgive my ex to this day for shooting needles up his arms. But living apart from him definately is contributing to the healing process much quicker. Best of luck to you, and I hope you keep in touch.