I'm very afraid -- I don't think I have ever been this afraid in my life.
I have a long and sad family history with bipolar disorder.
I am currently 39 years old and don't believe I have bipolar, but I fear for me, my brothers, my children and the children of my siblings and cousins.
You see, growing up my paternal grandfather always seemed a little "off." I thought he was just mean, but now we know he was bipolar. He would have severe manic episodes -- example -- he would mow the grass at 2 in the morning among other things. He was also a hoarder. My grandparents owned a brownstone in Chicago. My grandmother and her mother lived in one apartment and my grandfather lived in another. We rarely went to my grandfathers apartment because it was stacked wall to wall with old newspapers.
My parents divorced when I was 10. My father was a policeman in Chicago and it seemed to me and my two brothers (14 & 3) and 1 sister (12) that my parents never fought or argued. We were very surprised they were divorcing. We moved with my mother to southern Missouri to be near her family. A year later, my father shot and killed her and her current boyfriend while my 4 year old brother watched.
We found out later that my father was a Manic/Depressive (they didn't call it bipolar). He spent about 4 years in jail and is now living with severe manic/depressed events. I don't usually see him, but know through family that he sometimes has trouble getting out of bed and is heavily medicated.
My younger brother showed his first signs of having bipolar when he was 17 years old. It manifested itself in a severe manic episode in which he was placed in a mental institution under suicide watch. He has times when he seems fine, but then all of a sudden he'll have another episode. He doesn't seem depressed to me, but I'm assuming I don't know the whole story. He is married with 2 very young sons.
Three years ago, my sister attempted suicide by taking pills and then driving. She was in a bad accident and it was at that time that she was diagnosed with having Classic bipolar. She didn't talk about it to me, but in vague references. She did tell me she was seeing a psychologist and was on lots of medication. She truly seemed rational most of the time. We lived far apart so only saw each other vary rarely. She liked reading and being alone and thought divorcing her husband of 22 years would make her happy. Two months after moving out (about 2 weeks ago - on Easter Sunday) she shot and killed herself in her apartment. Of course, we were all stunned, shocked, you name it. It seemingly came out of the blue. We talked every day, emailed all the time -- she seemed okay. Then just gone. Going through her apartment, it was very apparent that she was OCD as well. She was always a very clean person, but her apartment was PERFECT - no clothes touched in the closet - everything evenly lined up. Very unsettling. She leaves behind 6 boys ranging in age from 6 - 22.
After my sister's death, I saw my father for the first time in over 25 years. He was very heavily medicated - I barely recognized him.
My older brother is scared to death and so am I. We both have 3 children - 2 boys and 1 girl each and wish there was a test we could take to see if any of us are bipolar. I've had instances when I've been depressed, but I don't think it has ever been unusual. Doesn't everyone get down every now and then or am I being hopeful. I also don't recall ever feeling manic or irrational. The closest I ever come to manic is talking fast.
I have so many questions and so many non-answers found online. Since I'm 39 and my brother is 44 -- is it likely we have bipolar and just don't know it yet? And what are the chances that our children will develop it. Everything I've read does not sound good and I am so afraid.
Sorry for the long post -- I feel better getting this off my chest though.
