Bipolar in the family Support Group

I've been married for 15 years to a bipolar man. I don't know if he's taking his meds or not- but he left. He's been manic for a while- and he's very verbally abusive when he's manic. I'm so conflicted. I know he's ill, so I've put up with things I normally wouldn't, but I am tired now. I want to support him because he is ill- and I want to live normally and not be verbally abused. A couple weeks ago he threw something at me, which really threw me off. I don't know if it's a step closer to physical violence or not.

Thanksgiving day, he left. This is the second time he's left- however, this is new behavior. The first time was about 3 weeks ago. While we were sleeping today, he came and packed a suitcase and erased all his things off the computer. I see he accessed our bank account.

Yesterday, after he left, I had a house full of people show up for dinner. I've been able to keep much of his mania private to protect him, but yesterday, I told everyone (all family-including his parents) that he is bipolar and left. I didn't know what else to say. Why w9uld a man leave his house right before thanksgiving with his family?

I don't want a divorce- I want him to see his doctor asap- or go in the hospital. His mania is bad. He even had an episode of fast talking, etc, which I've never seen before. I don't beleive he believes he is manic. He believes all the things he says when he's abusive- that I am the most hideous person on the planet and he wishes he'd never met me.

He won't return my calls, so I have no contact. My heart is breaking.

reichspot

I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time . It is important to know that you can not force him to take his meds or seek counseling . Remember this is an illness that you or he can not cure . it is not your fault or his . He needs to be accountable to go to the doc and take his meds . you need to set up guidelines as to what you will accept and what you will not accept . Now if he is is in a maniac state there is no way you will be able to talk to him at this point . Just give him his space . Also too if that account is a joint acoount you may want to keep a seperate one for bills that you only have acess too if he tends to overspend . Also please please seek help for yourself You will be no help to him if you become over whelmed

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 11/28/2008 15:21

Reichspot,

From what you describe, it sounds like he is definitely manic and probably hasn't been taking his meds, or else needs to have them adjusted. The big problem is when they are manic, most people with bipolar feel so good they don't want it to end. That makes it hard for him to see he needs help.

Leaving might have been a protection thing because on some level he realizes he's not himself and didn't want his family to see. (Just a guess).

For now, try to protect you bank account. Is there any way you can contact his doctor and let them know what is going on?

My heart goes out to you as I know how frustrating and anxious this must be for you. We are here if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Terri

Thank you so much. He already got into the bank account- and I just got paid Thursday evening. I've called him a couple times a day on his cell, trying to be encouraging and asking him to call his doctor. He doesn't answer when I call and I don't know if he's listening to his messages.

I am so glad I found this forum. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, because if he gets better, I don't want to cloud others feelings toward him. He took his medicine bag with him- but that doesn't mean he's taking them.

He came very early Fri am and packed a suitcase when we were all asleep. I think he's at his parent's house because they are in Florida for a week, but I'm not sure. No car when I drive by.

Thank you again.

p

Reichspot - I am so sorry you are going through any of this. Unfortunately what you have described sounds exactly like my life and my experiences. My husband and I have been married 10 yrs. He refuses to accept that he is BP and does not take meds or see anyone for help. He is extremely verbally abusive and leaves everytime there is an disagreement big or small. He left at the end of Sept because he said he was in love with the Godmother to our children (who claims she knew nothing about this and is also married for 21 yrs) he drained our bank accounts and I finally filed for divorce hoping it would snap him out of it - it did not work and he still refuses to talk to me or acknowledge my existance.

I can not give you that precious magic pill or answer that will fix it all like I know you are so desperately hoping for, but I know things were a lot better when my husband would leave and I would leave him alone for a little while. I think the constant calls helps with the grandiosity they can soemmtimes experience. Maybe a change in your behavior will surprise him and he'll start to think and maybe come down off that false high he is on while manic. After you give him a little time maybe he'll calm down enough for you to reach him.

Definitely get help through a therapist or couselor for yourself or any children you may have.

I am sorry I can not take the pain I know you are feeling right now, but please know you are not alone. There are a lot of people here that will talk to you and help you the best they can, in doing this you will learn that your are not crazy for thinking there is a problem, the things he says to you or about you when he is mad are not true, this is not your fault, and you cant force him to get help.

Please feel free to contact me anytime you need to chat or vent. Keep your head up

Post edited by: kkj7952, at: 11/29/2008 20:10

Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope your situation can get better. I can't imagine what you are going through. My prayers and love are with you.

Thank you

p

I know how this must feel. My partner, has said horrendous things as well, he has, when he is fairly stable admitted, he truly believes he is right at the time. It's so hard though as it hurts and he believes it at the time, and therefore does what you would do if you believed these horrendous things. My partner of 11 years just about 12 now, all of the sudden, said he was leaving me, and hadn't loved me for two years, this summer. It hurt me so much, I was baffled and hurt. As he had been coming to me starting at the beginning of the two years he was talking about, asking me to help him, as he was so depressed and did not know why. So I helped him find a doctor, and helped console him, and cheer him up when was down. In between that I was putting up with a lot of verbal abuse. I was going to leave him, as I had nothing else to do when he stuck with this being sure he wasn't in love with me, for a few days, and I had been told as he was abusive I should leave him months before by our family doctor. The problem is I love him, I can't just leave someone because of an illness, it's not as if he wants to hurt me. Therefore I explained to the doctor, I can't, and I was also very concerned about suicide, as he did attempt to kill himself years ago, before he met me. My doctor understood, and simply told me, that if I stay I have to tell him some expectations I have, and if he can't follow them, for my health I had to leave. I did give him some expectations, simply that he would write a letter explaining that he knew he had a problem and sign it, hopefully so that when he was not well he may trust himself. The other thing was that I was allowed to go to doctors appts with him. His psychiatrist, our family doctor, and he agreed. I never got the letter, and he let me see the psychiatrist once, but as I mentioned I was concerned about his work,(he had been complaining to me about his lack of concentration at work)and his doctor did not know, in fact his doctor knew little of what I said, he soon after told me he didn't want me involved in his treatment. Followed by leaving me.

I'm lost at this point, I never did leave him, as I needed him to get a letter from the landloard, who was his friend, that let me out of the lease and change it to just him. He kept saying he had asked, he was getting it, it never ever arrived. I told him I would not be able to be his friend as he had said he wanted, as it was too painful to be around him after what he had done. Maybe in a few years, I just said I wasn't sure, and I only knew I had to move on with my life if he was doing this. He then cried and realized he did not want this, or at least said it to me, I have a feeling he knew as the letter and lease never arrived.

We talked after a few days, and he agreed he needed a specialist not a psychiatrist specializing in stress. Well he didn't do that, now he decided he doesn't want to. I have no idea what to do. It's so hard to love someone, who lies and hurts you so much. It's been since the end of August the leaving me thing ended and things seem to be getting worse again. I only wish I knew what to do, leaving him, or demanding he follows through on some things seem to be my only real options. The latter would probably end up with him flipping out and leaving me again. I'm just sitting on it right now and trying to decide.

Best of luck, just know it's an illness, and try your best to not take it personally.

How often have I been in your shoes, plenty, too many times worthy keeping track of.

You will make it through this.

This is the time to get yourself out of the undertow.

There is much to learn and here you will find many good teachers.

I was lost, when this happened to me. One minute he told me he loved me, when I hunted him down it was if he looked right through me. That was the worst hurt.

It is only now year's after that I fully understand how affected he was by this illness. We talked about it then, we talk about his leavings to this day.

When my husband left, it was at that point that things were out of control. His life, our life together.

Most often he left to save me and the kids. Because there wasn't a thing he was in control of. Or there were times when he just wasn't finished self-medicating.

Here is what you do.......You Continue to Breath.

You get help now! for yourself.

Financially, do what ever you need to.

There were times when I had to seek help from churches, Salvation Army just to make up for the lost income to make the bills.

You need to stand on some solid ground right now, you need some professional help to get you through this, and you need your own survival skills.

I just sent you an hug, look me up if you want.

I want to thank everyone for the amazing support. Your comments and advice have been so helpful. I shared earlier, I left him phone messages a couple times a day, hoping it would keep him connected. In one, I said I knew he had been manic for several weeks and to please call his doctor as soon as possible. After he heard it, he called!

He said it really hadn't dawned on him that he was manic. He met met for dinner and I listened to his story. He called the doctor before we left the parking lot. He was put on new medications he started the next day. Of course, even if they are great, it will take time to see a real difference.

He has calmed down some, but I know this is part of the ebb and flow, so he's not ok- just between issues.

I love him and do not want a divorce- so as long as he continues to get help, I want to stand by him and help him. If he stops, I don't know what I'll do.

He is home now. He was supposed to call the doctor today for an appointment, but he said work was too busy. I told him tomorrow is the deadline. No excuses. Three steps forward, two steps back.

I am so glad it all worked out for the best. Stick to your guns and remember that taking the responsability for him doesnt help him at all.

Stay Strong!