Dear God

Here is the thing my husband is leaving me. He is kind enough to fix the house up before he goes and make sure that I am okay… This is his kind side and why I adore him…

But the mean unmedicated manic side of him ambushes me with mean remarks, gambling problems, porn addictions, past alcohol problems, going out without telling me where he is or when he is returning. Unable to keep employment, bossing people (even strangers around) always irritable and ready to pounce, sleep apnea, and he also has mania driven seizures

He is a gorgeous – I mean model material – man. Anyway, when he is manic he always wants to leave me. When on zyprexia or something he is fine and tells me he loves me or tells me to pls let him know when he is mean as he doesn’t want to hurt me- but part of the disease is not being able to receive that information.

So, for the past several years his mania has been out of control. And I have to wait for him to be balanced to talk to him about “us” but he is never balanced to talk as he is always chemically unstable. I am subject to his meanness and blamed for everything, his constant ridicule of me to his mother, and here is the thing…. Talk about sweating the small stuff…

I can’t even load the dish washer right-- according to him, but he can get a DUI and I have to take off from a new job and bail him out of jail and he does not even apolologize – so his scale of justice tips heavily in favor of his mistakes.

We have many problems and I am sure I contribute, but it seems this disease is the true source of most of the problems.

Anyway, we are close to “D” day and I still cannot talk as he is not stable. One minute he rages about something small and calls me “pathetic” and tells me how he cannot count on me for anything…. And the next he is kind…

Can’t count on me? He was so depressed he was crying and said you better get help fast… as the Doc did not return the calls… I drove to the office in a fever talked to him, got the meds changed, the Doc said for him not to worry they would get it all regulated in a note and the husband freaked out and told me I must be “selling him out or something as a Doc would not send a note.” Then, screamed and yelled and called his mother about my incompetence… I am “there” He isn’t “there”

Anyway, I want to see him one more time before he goes. I am sick of the crazy him.

The Doc says, if he will not take the zyprexia, I will not see him…

So its all over… 20 years… And I never got to say all this to him, for if I do he will not see it. Cause he is in the throws of it right now.

Oh God, please help me.

Post edited by: AnnaNAmos, at: 12/25/2007 18:24

I'm soooo sorry for what your going thru and sounds like you love him very much.

I wanted to ask...do you have children? I ask because you must appreciate what this kinda mania can do to them. However what about you? Have you lived this way for 20 yrs or did it start later?

Did you ever think this might be the best thing that can happen to you and him. My neice lives with her husband who is also BP. After about 10 yrs of his behavior she left with the kids. It finally gave her a breather and the kids. It helped her hubby to take more seriously what he's been putting her thru. Stop and think. He won't be able to blame you for all his mistakes on you. When he's gotten in trouble you leave him alone. You have to start making HIM accountable for his own problems. I realize he didn't ask for this but he needs to take control of himself. You on the other hand need relief more then you know. I'm not saying you have to divorce him, just give it some time apart. You'll have a more relaxed break and he has to do what he has to do for himself.

We can't fix everything in life we can only help ourselves.

I sorry to go on and being blunt about all this but right now you don't really have a choice. What would the choice be??? Get your life back and pehaps get help for yourself. You deserve it.

I don't know if this will help and it's my own opinion...in the end you have to do what you know to be right.

Please hang in there and ever you want to talk PM me or just type away on the post.

My thoughts are with you.

Spruce

I want "that guy" to leave

But the nice one- I want to say good bye to him.

And he is gone now, sucked into the illness.

No, I do not have kids

I am not sure how to make it alone, God is going to have to do something for me, and I know he will.

Dear God,

Please help me get past feeling neglected. Please help me get past feeling like Im in a dead end life. Please help me feel less abused and more loved. Please help me let go of the resentments and stop being codependant. Please find the right meds so that he will not be a narcisist, and stop blaming me for everything. Make his attitude change, make him stop with the indecision and the pulling away and isolation. Give him the faith he needs to let his heart be open and his mind open to the future and not stuck in the past. Let him have the stability to not spend days in bed or have manic episodes of insanity that I cannot live with.

If you cant change those things, please give me the wisdom to realize it will never improve and the courage to get out before I go insane myself. Help me move on and be a good mother to my kids and stop me from feeling guilty for abandoning his when they need me. Make me understand that I am worthy and restore my self esteem. Let me trust and love again and not have a lifetime of fear because of what I have gone through here. Let me forgive and let go of the anger and hurt that I feel because of what his illness does to him and makes him. Let me remember him with good memories and not the pain and suffering he has caused.

For any small part of this I pray...

This is so weird

I want to be a good wife and think I am. I have tried so hard, but I never win. I am never GOOD enough, pretty enough, nice enough, thin enough, smart enough, rich enough or anything.

He is just hateful, God. I try to be loving. I do things sometimes which are not right - just like anyone -- but I can't do EVERYTHING WRONG.

I mean --

Today he told me I may want to go flip burgers and make fries cause I am too stupid to even help him find a pen.

God, I asked him to stop insulting me. HE said, he has to speak the truth...

I can never win.

Dear God deliver me from this evil that has shown itself through this disease.

Thank you

I see things are not going well still. I'm sorry about that.

I beleive it was you (I might be wrong) but did you mention that he was going to leave you?

If he hasn't changed his mind you need to change yours.

You need to be strong and say to him and yourself that you will not take this any more. You can't change him. However, you may help him if you think more of yourself and left him. If things have not changed after all this time when do you think this will change? By changing you and accepting that you deserve more then what your getting. He may open his eyes. By you being strong will help you and him. Personally, your allowing your self to be abused emotionally and in this day of age it's not acceptable. You have far more help then many of us who never had the options and help that is available to people today. I'm not saying divorce, I'm saying stand up for yourself and let him see your strong enough!!! Does he abuse you pyshically? I don't think you mentioned he did. However, emotional abuse can damage as much as physical. Do something for yourself and as you get better he may also!!

I wish you the best and hope you can find away thru this difficult time.

Spruce

I had lost before I could walk. Something in his past turned him against women and that distortion was projected onto me my whole life.

(I'm not sure, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that he was made to work very hard in the orange groves when he was a young boy, and his sisters didn't have to do that) I don't have any proof of that, but I just wonder if it was that. But, the point is his illness allowed him to punish me for how he felt. He somehow felt vindicated in his harsh attitudes toward me, and I, of course had no idea why he was so unbelievably hard on me. I don't know if this helps you at all, but maybe something in their past that is unresolved manifests in the illness. There is a cognitive distortion that addresses this - something about all or nothing thinking - everything is all one way or another - no room for grey areas. No room for logical or rational thinking. Example: "You said you're not crazy about the color of the new chair - well then - I'm throwing it out!" or "My sisters didn't have to work hard like me, so all women are useless." Stay strong, you're not doing anything wrong.

I realize this a difficult situation, but this affects your life and you have to strong enough to be good to yourself and get help.

My father abused me and was a alcoholic and it affects the whole family. I was damaged more then I realized. It took 3 abusive husbands before I realized the type of men I was picking. I got help...wouldn't take any more garbage and fortunately I was blessed with the greatest man I've met. He deals with his own depression along with panic attacks and psychotic episodes but he has never blamed me, abused me or yelled at me. He cooks and cleans when I can't. There are good men or if your a man there are good women out there for others.

This is not the way to live. Say: NO MORE!!!!

I mentioned before that my neices husband is BP. It got to be to difficult and she left until he took the problem seriously and saw how it affected her and the kids. It's still not a piece of cake but it's improved a great deal.

I truly wish the best for you and hope you find the strentgh to do what needs to be done. I know I sound harsh but I guess I've seen enough crap to last me a lifetime and you need not suffer!

Spruce