Bipolar in the family Support Group

No one says that you have to accept the unacceptable because you love someone with bipolar.

I totally understand how beaten down one can get from someone that isn't stable. We tend to loose ourselves

and we also are being lead at times by the mania.

Start today by deciding what you will accept and what you won't.

If you need help, ask for it. But do not sit alone

feeling overwhelmed. Become Pro Active for Yourself!

Are you find yourself settling way to often?

Cartia8

good points i always stress that to new member that are significant others .

I like this thread A LOT. I find myself wanting to blame the behavior on myself rather than acknowledge that unacceptable things are happening. When I post about them on here, it's only after verifying a particular event with my own pdoc, mutual friends, family, etc.

Not that I've always been a paragon of sane behavior, but I have--until recently--accepted things that I probably should have questioned.

I think that overall this is one of the biggest problems that new members face. They often come here right after finding out a loved one has been diagnosed bipolar or they suspect that as a dx. Their heads a spinning and they are in a state of chaos becuase they have no idea what it really means to be with someone bipolar. They often think it means they need to put up with all of this misery when so much of what is going on with the loved one is only chain related and should be considered unacceptable.

What I mean is this. My boyfriend of twelve years is just being diagnosed and starting any real medication. Now he can awful. Primarily it's his self-centeredness that gets me. Boy does it get me. What we are finding out is that his whole lifestyle is one big trigger. It's his job to limit those behavior and try to take some responsibility. Am I looking for a miracle? No. Just a bit of recognition for what he does wrong. Much of his behavior is manifesting from 27 years of 'lack of structure'. That in turn caused him to just live like he wanted (often like a twelve year old at the age of 25. This included all the triggers for him, thus causing him to cycle uncontrollably.

To me this means that when he pouts and does drugs just cause he wants to and thinks it's his right to just do what he wants and renig on parental resp. then he is just plain being rotten and he can just get the 'f' out. He knows that there are several things will cause me to walk away. However if he is manic and is agitated or preparing for a zombie attatck (ya, you heard right) then I treat the situation differently. Seperation of issues is key to determining what is acceptable and what isn't. Once you seperate the issues then you can decide what your own boundris are. Fankly I see this as a general rule to any relationship BP or not.

You are right, bipolar or not there has to be boundary rules in any relationship.

Now let's go here, we all seem to be bright intelligent people, how did we get to the point that we have let someone with bp cross, or move ten inches our protective boundary lines.

Ok, let me start.

For one thing it started early for me, because my husband drank.

Try dealing with someone that gives you a kiss and is only going to get a pack of smokes and doesn't return until 2 in the morning, then

to only arrive home, wake you up and is in your face for the next 3 hours? It's the heckle-hyde syndrome.

It's the listening to someone talk a million miles a minute on one subject, to the point that you can't stand to listen anymore.

It's the can't sit still hyper.

This is only a few things, that has affected me. It is not so easy

to keep those lines in places.

No, keeping lines in place is never easy. But really, for me it's been a saving grace to try and enforce the boundries. Not that I'm always successful but still I try. My boyfriends behavior was erratic as well although he never really took off or anything. I just never knew what was going to set him off, etc. When I was young and stupid I allowed him to just bowl me over. Then something miraculous happend. We stopped speaking for 18 monthes and the world did not in fact end. He initiated the first phone call to me. It was then that I began to realize that I didn't need to fear his anger. He was all bluster and nothing more. Thats when I began setting limits. Then I finally realized what was wrong. Now my boundries are more about keeping him from his triggers. In our house the base issue is simply that he wants to continue to live the sort of immature life that will keep him cycling. I think right now he spends a lot of time fighting himself on this.

This quote: he wants to continue to live the sort of immature life that will keep him cycling.

...is indicative of what's happening with my wife. She's gone from being this truly genuine, original person to--hate to say it--a phony.

Obviously, this "phoniness" isn't necessarily her, it's the BP. She also used to believe that emotional intelligence far outweighed intellect in terms of importance (that was always amazing, because she's an academic).

Now, she catches me crying a bit (hiding out in the bathroom) and has this blank stare I've never seen before. Sorry, I've gotten this thread off track...

In my world with my husband I totally suck at the boundary thing. I think we went from having this great relationship where we communicated and worked well together to all of a sudden these horrible episodes where he was being selfish, arrogant, disrespectful, and just plain ugly. I didnt know what happened and I have spent the last few years wondering how in the world we got here and how can we go along so well at times and then he is a total beast other times.

As a person who is new to BP as a spouse you are right ajoelric, I am in a state of total chaos and my head never stops spinning long enough to get my grounding before he is off and on another roller coaster. I think I spend a lot of time in total AWE of how he can change and just watch with shock and confusion wondering is it me, does he hate me, does he hate himself, is he not meant for committment, is it a mid-life crisis, does he need anger management, what is it?!?!?

He is very controlling and because I feared the next rage I would try to implement boundaries, but he could intimidate me to move my lines back to allow for things, plus I really got to where I felt powerless against this beast I couldnt understand nothing I said made a difference so how is anything I do going to?

I am now drawing a line in the sand and filed for divorce, but I hope he comes too before I completely move on.

See, one thing I'm noticing about these posts is the amount of time some of you have been dealing with this. My BF and I have been battling through this for twelve long years. I didn't finish drawing my line in the sand util this year. Now I've been working on it for a while but it takes time to adjust to something like that. It also takes time to get to 'that point' where you can just no longer take certain actions. When my BF and I finally reached that point he finally agreed to be seen and treated. He is actively working to stablize and I am very involved in the process. These are all things that are vital to treatment. If this isn't happening for you then there is just a real need for re-evaluation. There is a golden rule that says you can't really love someone until to love yourself. If your letting yourself be used/abused/walked all over (Ryno dear this is for you) then what do you really have to contribute. So lets set those boundries and follow through. Lets take care of ourselves so we can better take care of our loved ones.

"It was then that I began to realize that I didn't need to fear his anger. He was all bluster and nothing more. Thats when I began setting limits".

I totally agree

I have just recently discovered this after 6 long years with my b/f and I think its saved my life.

I never thought I could set boundaries, even just thinking about them makes my life cleaer and not bulldozed by complete b*llshit behaviour.

I know it will take alot more time for my old conditioning to change but I am determined to change my reality as much as I can - no-one needs to feel powerless or that someone is 'allowed' because they can't help it.