Bipolar in the family Support Group

I emailed it to him today. I was very nice and loving and told him what the pdoc said, that he wants us both to come in and meet with him because now he thinks he has bipolar after his episode at Thanksgiving. Told him how I contacted the pdoc then because I was worried about him.

And the weird thing, is I haven't heard anything back from him. Which is so odd for him. If it pissed him off, I expected ranting and raving and horrible names. If he was listening and wanted to get help, I expected okay, I want help. But nothing? Now I'm afraid he's going to come home in a crazy mood. He has already been angry and starting to get volatile since yesterday for no reason. He's blaming it on finances, but really no reason for him to be feeling this way yesterday out of the blue.

He's going to be working late. So I know I won't have to see him. But just hate the unknown with a bipolar husband. You just don't know what to expect.

He is even seems to be feeling ready to split up too. Which is good because so am I. And if he's on the same page without me having to convince him, then at least I won't have to worry about him being crazy if it was just me suggesting it. He may change him mind when he feels better. But I think since it's been brought up now, I can just say, well, you keep saying you want a divorce year after year, I'm finally ready because you've brought it up so many times!

But I'm scared. Not sure why. Just hate this unknown with him!

Okay, hours later, he's okay, just ignoring me like he has been for two days. Hate that too. But at least he's not crazy.

Post edited by: writergal, at: 01/05/2011 10:53 PM

I think organizations like nami or DBSA may help you understand bipolar and how to communicate with your spouse. Bipolar isn't "crazy". That's the stigma society has place on mental illness and why many wont seek help. If he can understand he is normal just that he has an illness like diabetes that needs to be treated. A marriage counselor can help. I didn't want to accept my illness either. If he is working, he is high functioning. It can take several med tries and several hospitalizations to sometimes get a grasp on the illness. The road isn't easy but he can improve.

Thanks for your feedback. I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately, he's not willing to listen to me yet. Even when we thought it was depression, he felt like less than a man. Today he reached out to me via text and apologized for his mean behavior. I think he thought I'd be like, okay, let's go back to being happily married! Instead I said, that I loved him, but that this marriage is slowly killing me. And unless he's willing to talk to his pdoc about the possible bipolar, I can't go on like this.

Then he at least admitted that scares him and makes him feel emotional if his doc and I were there. I think he thinks we'll be ganging up on him. When of course, I'm the one who's wanting nothing more than him to be well so we could be happy. That's all I've ever wanted, of course. But he doesn't see it that way when his depression is bad.

I told him to just think about visiting the pdoc. That I won't put any pressure on him to decide as I know he's been through a lot with his emotions these past couple days. He said, that's fine.

So I know I need to at least give him some breathing room. But if he won't go, I can't stay married to him. He has been horrible about doing the things to maintain his depression, and if he won't get on meds for bipolar, there's no point in staying. And even if he does, I'm so exhausted after 10 years of this, I'm not sure I can stay any way. But I'll take it a day at a time and see what happens.

Even if he can go to pdoc so that he can be happy for himself, even if we split up, that would be best.

Take it a day at a time, and see if he's willing to get the help he needs. In the meantime, capecod has a great suggestion for you about learning about the disorder and how to cope with it. Even if you do decide to break-up, it will still help you understand and work with him. Good luck!

I know, you're right. Day at a time. That's what I'm telling myself. Not to get too far ahead. Even finding this website has been eye-opening. I thought for nine years we were dealing with depression alone. So it's all new to me.

HI writergal,

I'm new to all of this. My husbaand is borderline bp. Has been diagnosed with rapid-mood-cycling. Although in general I would describe his as a good guy (from the outside) married life with him has been almost unbearable. He's easy to get offended, grumpy often, condescending, defensive, judgemental, critical. He doesn't take medication or see a therapist regularly, he's high functioning as he works and does a pretty good job. But he refuses to acknowledge that his BPD has any impact on our relationship. I recently bought a book called High Conflict Couples and i'm finding it extremely helpful in helping me communicate to him better...not set his triggers. Becuase he's quite high funtioncing I have a hard time telling whether he's being a jerk or whether he's exhibiting BP tendencies. Everynight when we put our girls down to sleep we're always saying 'C'mon girls calm down...daddy is going to lose it!" "C'mon girls daddy needs your help" We're always soo stressed about his ability to control his temper. It's only 1 1/2 hours at the end of the day. It should be the happiest time or our day bonding with our girls, and yet it a race against what Daddy can put up with.

Anyways, I've been using some techniques in the book I mentioned and it seems to be calming him down and helping me communicate better with him.

Thanks for sharing Sickofit. You sound like you have a lot to contend with. My BPH is at least on some meds, but only for D. So most of the year he's pretty even natured. It's the holidays were it gets the worst. And this year, he cut his meds in half because they were bothering his stomach and he convinced the Pdoc that he was doing well that way. Wonderful! But now the pdoc knows better because I've been in touch with him.

I will check out that book though. I don't think my bph has any triggers though. But maybe the book will show me some I don't even know about. But like I said, a lot of times he's pretty even natured. I'll tell you, some word of advice, at least how I deal with my bph's moods. I never say to my son, "calm down so daddy doesn't get upset" or anything like that. I know why you do, and I definitely felt like I wanted to before. But here's my feeling on it. The kids are doing NOTHING wrong. It's the bph's that is in the wrong. So if daddy wants to flip out, then that's daddy's fault. The kids are just being kids. And if his dad freaks, later to my son I just say, sorry daddy acted that way. And if it really upset my son, I tell him to tell his dad. And he goes in there and says, daddy, I don't like the way you talked to me, it made me feel bad. And my bph feels bad and apologizes. I think as someone married to bph, we need to let them know when their behavior is inappropriate. I don't feel we should make excuses for them in the least. Because I don't want my son having to tip toe around the house for fear of daddy's anger. Don't you agree?

My bph is also highly functioning. Thank goodness!

My husband has the same behaviors, I never know what I might do, or not do that will trigger him to either go into a rage, or give me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. He finally snapped last night, grabbed the pistol and acted like he was going to shoot himself. He shot the ceiling in the bathroom, I told him I was going to call 911 and he told me I should, so I did. I am hoping that now he will see that there really is a problem and that he will be forced to get some help. I am also hoping we can get a diagnosis besides just an anger control problem.

Writergal, I feel your pain, I have been dealing with this for 14 years, we went through marriage counseling 10 years ago, but of course that didn't work because it didn't address his own mental issues.

I am sorry you are going through this, I hope though that having the diagnosis makes you feel somewhat better, because now you know there is a treatable reason for his behavior. My husband has refused to take any medication, so we will see what happens.

Dont feel bad about wanting to leave. I finally told mine that if he said or insinuated divorce once more I was going to leave, so he hasn't said it since then, but that was only a few weeks ago.

take care and good luck

Luv, that's so scary! A gun involved? I think if my BPH had a gun involved and did that, I'd have him leave instantly. That's something I couldn't tolerate. I think safety should come first. I hope you have somewhere you can go if he gets out of hand. Are there kids involved? That's very scary and if he's so unstable, it's something you shouldn't have to deal with.

My BPH also threatens divorce a lot. I think they are so miserable they actually believe it. Or they are fishing for us to plead, no no! But after so many times of hearing it, I'm finally prepared for it. I kept warning him, if you keep saying it, I'll finally be ready. And now I think I am.

Writergal, He was taken to jail last night, they are charging him with handling a gun while intoxicated, firing a weapon, and domestic violence. They said they had to put a restraining order on him. He will be in Jail until at least tomorrow because he will have to go in front of a judge. then he will not be allowed back in the house without police escort until the restraining order is resolved, which I have heard could take a couple weeks. The police took the gun he used and told me to remove the rest of the guns in the house (he hunts so he has several). No kids are involved, his son is grown and lives out of state.

I live in a small, middle class community. We are friends with most of our neighbors. I have a professional job. This is all very embarrasing.

You are right about the divorce thing, I think he wants me to beg and plead, "no don't leave me" which I used to do, but I told him I am tired of the games and I wasn't playing any more.