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10/05/2008 05:12 AM

Is emotional abuse excusable w/ Bipolar?(page 3)

bejeweled
bejeweled  
Posts: 1374
Senior Member

If they aren't serious about taking their meds with you there, what is the point of staying? The reason I am willing to stay and deal with all the crap that comes with loving someone with BP is that my g/f ACCEPTS that she has it and is willing to do what it takes to get better. That is not something that I can control. She has to realize it, want treatment and take necessary steps. Living with someone that refuses to get help is like pounding your face into a cement wall. It hurts and there really isn't much point. By taking care of yourself and your son, you are taking responsibilty for you. It is up to him to take responsibilty for himself. If he choses to join you, then he has to change. In the meantime, you are stronger and more stable for your child.
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10/05/2008 05:52 AM
heatherr
heatherr  
Posts: 395
Member

From my experience, mental abuse and self esteem shattering will not stop. You dont have to live like this. You dont owe him anything and for your own mental health and your child, give some serious thought to sending him down the road till he can get himself stabilized and learn some manners.
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10/06/2008 06:03 PM
Mobocracy
Posts: 8
New Member

The comment of not all bipolars are emotionally abusive is correct. In fact, MANY people suffering from bipolar disorder are not abusive in the slightest. Persons who are afflicted with Bipolar disorder have problems controlling their impulses. Fights with parents, spouses, friends etc usually stem from the bipolar feeling "held back" or "manipulated". There is however a mental illness very similar and many times misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. I am referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a book written about BPD(borderline personality disorder) called Stop Walking On Eggshells. BPDs are diagnosed as having extreme interpersonal relationship problems. They constantly are afraid of being abandoned and try to control their partners behaviors through coercion and manipulation. A lot of these forums make me believe that your partners are showing more signs of Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Bipolar Disorder. Don't get me wrong, both disorders can be devastating to a relationship, but knowing which mental health disorder is the issue can be the difference between getting the proper treatment or not.
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10/06/2008 06:30 PM
jollyjoe
jollyjoe  
Posts: 4119
VIP Member

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and I appericate this enlighting post..For me it is the feel like being controled all the time or be manipulated into what people expect of me..But I have been abused before and did nothing to protect myself..I`m not a violent person I`m very shy to a point and then again back me in a corner ..I`m a scared rabbit..
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10/06/2008 07:53 PM
Mobocracy
Posts: 8
New Member

I like to think of the difference between angry moods in Bipolar and Borderline as following.

Bipolar on a depressive cycle: Irritable. Everyone is crowding you. Your senses are dull. Sounds, colors, situations can "set you off". Basically because you are well, irritated. Ever had a tooth pulled? Did you just want to lash out at everyone because the constant numbness and pain associated with tooth-pulling? You don't know why you feel this way, just that you DO. It is not necessarily anyone else's fault, they are just easy targets to vent your irritated frustrations out on.

Bipolar on a manic cycle: Loss of Control[b]

Mania often includes fits of rage that seem to have no rhyme or reason. I also categorize this under extreme irritation. We all become upset over trivial and non-trivial things in life. The jerk that cuts us off while driving can result in a normal person experiencing road rage. Persons dealing with mania are consumed by it. And even the slightest "indiscretion" can turn a manic person from hyper to extremely agitated. Once again, it is lack of self control that causes these anger fits. Think of mania as multiplying your feelings by 100. If you are happy, you feel 100 times happy then you normally would. Anger and sadness are normal feelings that we all experience. Complicate them with a manic phase and it often spells disaster.

Borderline on a agitated phase: [b]Threatened.

They perceive everyone as hurting them and therefore are angry at them. They are physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to those closest to them. Black and white thinking. Anger often time turns into self mutilation. It is ultimately everyone else's vault. Their pain, is in their mind, a direct result of someone else's actions. It becomes justified anger. Purposefully intended to project their feelings on their victim.

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The main difference as stated is the association of anger. In Bipolar the underlining depressive mood leads to extreme irritation which leads to impulsive behavior. Often violating those who happen to be in the way. Like a train that is off it's tracks plowing into whomever happens to be in it's path. In borderline anger is inner rage caused by a insecurity or a false sense of abandonment. Like a wounded animal, they attack those that they perceive as a threat, most often those trying to help them.

Many times the outcome is the same. Friends, family, spouses, significant others, are often hurt by the bursts of anger

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10/06/2008 08:05 PM
needinreassurance
needinreassurance  
Posts: 39
Member

Very good information Mobo, as I read more it makes it easier to understand, and MAYBE easier to deal with, but it still poses a major roadblock to life. I really hope my hubby is still willing to go to the new doc tomorrow. I hope he doesn't change his mind. I'm not trying to invade this post with our problems, but it does relate and I have to ask questions... no offense to the poster. =)
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12/10/2008 09:21 AM
Aledandy
Aledandy  
Posts: 6
Member

Newbie to the group here and was just browsing all the topics both last night and again this morning. (consumed by them actually, LOL)

Mobo, thank you for that wonderfully insightful post...I NEEDED that this morning! It helps to know that these seemingly "crazy" reactions are perfectly "normal" symptoms of this disease/disorder I suffer from. Smile

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12/14/2008 02:21 PM
ringo
ringo  
Posts: 178
Member

I've newly registered on this site. This is my first time commenting; however, I think I've read about every word on this site. Reading here is considerably more helpful than reading the medical pages on bipolar symptoms or medications. I'm grateful to all who've written, your honesty has helped me to begin to understand the day to day living with this disorder. Also, I appreciate the acknowledgment from most everyone that BP or not, we all come with “issues” and have had difficulties with life. I've talked myself into writing - I've been reticent about doing so, because of feeling as if I'm betraying a confidentiality, then laughed at myself - the beauty of this is no one knows who I am. I feel no shame in his BP, it's just one of my issues - I hate feeling like a whiner. I believe I've come to a place where my empathy for him has turned to absolute confusion. My thinking was pitifully- wrong when my BP told me that he had "it" and I thought my part was to just accept it as a part loving of him. I've come to hate "it" and still haven't been able to wrap my mind around his mood swings and mean mouth, which by the way, he apparently doesn't even realize he's showing his ASS and talking nonsense when he says harsh and hurtful things. His response to my objections to being treated like shit stuck on his shoe is: “I don't know what you're talking about.” Maybe he just believes his thinking is "righteous" and he needs to "set me straight" blathering on about crap when he isn't even making sense. He's damnably smart and quick witted and I agree there is no arguing with him, because he's right. It angers me because it's something that is normally a source of connection and humor between us, and BP has turned what once was a congenial sparing into some kind of ... weapon of dominance? Better than him badgering me with questions and only accepting black or white answers to shades of gray. (I really hate that!)

There is no choice to me, I will always love him and never turn my back to him. Not because I'm afraid he'd stab it, but because I couldn't live with myself if I did. I've loved him in different ways for most of our lives even though we weren't together, there has always been a part of me that waited and held on to him, heart to heart. The BP is just throwing a broom handle into the spokes or some ice water in my face? I have a very difficult time accepting that he can say hurtful things to me without retaining some kind of self-control. Most times I'm left breathless from the verbal slap across the face and then he'll say something so ridiculous - I know he's not thinking right.

I'm now waiting for him to come back to himself and me, to talk about the “boundaries” you all have been talking about. Still, I wonder how well this can work if it really is the BP talking? I'd guess that every person's BP is unique to their own personality and I'll “reach for the stars” as he tells me and hope for the best.

What I don't understand is the assumption that infidelity is somehow understandable with BP. I guess that's where the staunchest boundary will be set - there is no excuse for certain betrayals - personal boundaries. I will always love the person he can be, but if that is the person he chooses to be - it's done.

And finally, the explanation by Mobo - rocks, you've giving me plenty to chew on - this has me so confused and I see his actions in just about every disorder's symptoms. But isn't it possible that some of these symptoms are more like bad behaviors being exhibited to some degree because they get away with acting that way? “I have a disorder, therefore, it's the disorder not me.” Lack of responsibility for their behavior? What cha think?

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01/06/2009 07:31 AM
miserable
Posts: 14
New Member

Blindside:

I, too, am new here. I have been struggling with very similar situations to what you are discribing. It is overwhelming and in turn completely un-nerving when they flip back over to everything is okay because you are still reeling inside. Emotional abuse is a good term for what I feel - bruised and banged-up inside. We also have small children and I never thought I would be a single parent, but it has been strongly on my mind lately. I have no advise, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in struggling with these issues.

Good luck to you.

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03/03/2009 05:46 PM
rj0000
Posts: 15
Member

I agree with everyone else that BP is no excuse for mental abuse. However, I understand where you are coming from. I have been there...it's hard to leave and we like to chalk it up to the disease and try to dismiss it. just do what is best for you for once. God knows I can't seem to do it even though i know i should. Be strong for your babies.
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