Bipolar in the family Support Group

I am certain at this point that after he lapsed into (or maybe it's what caused it) his manic state, that my husband has been having an affair. I understand NOW what is probably going through his head, and why he might be doing this. Not that that makes it okay! He "forgot" to take his meds for 2 nights when I was gone for a weekend and ever since I got back, all he wants to do is go somewhere that isn't around me or our son. All of the excuses and flags point to an affair. I can only imagine the stuff he is telling her, all of the lies and BS that will make her provide for him what at this time he needs... if it wasn't for our son, I probably would have left already, but I just can't yet. I am hoping that he will eventually "come down" from his manic state and realize what the heck he is doing to himself and everyone around him. AND get back on his meds. I have a feeling since all of this started that he has just been pretending to take them, and not even doing that every night (but of course I wouldn't know because he's not here every night).

And leaving them during a manic state, wouldn't that just make matters worse? Especially if they're not serious about their meds?

If they aren't serious about taking their meds with you there, what is the point of staying? The reason I am willing to stay and deal with all the crap that comes with loving someone with BP is that my g/f ACCEPTS that she has it and is willing to do what it takes to get better. That is not something that I can control. She has to realize it, want treatment and take necessary steps. Living with someone that refuses to get help is like pounding your face into a cement wall. It hurts and there really isn't much point. By taking care of yourself and your son, you are taking responsibilty for you. It is up to him to take responsibilty for himself. If he choses to join you, then he has to change. In the meantime, you are stronger and more stable for your child.

From my experience, mental abuse and self esteem shattering will not stop. You dont have to live like this. You dont owe him anything and for your own mental health and your child, give some serious thought to sending him down the road till he can get himself stabilized and learn some manners.

The comment of not all bipolars are emotionally abusive is correct. In fact, MANY people suffering from bipolar disorder are not abusive in the slightest. Persons who are afflicted with Bipolar disorder have problems controlling their impulses. Fights with parents, spouses, friends etc usually stem from the bipolar feeling "held back" or "manipulated". There is however a mental illness very similar and many times misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. I am referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a book written about BPD(borderline personality disorder) called Stop Walking On Eggshells. BPDs are diagnosed as having extreme interpersonal relationship problems. They constantly are afraid of being abandoned and try to control their partners behaviors through coercion and manipulation. A lot of these forums make me believe that your partners are showing more signs of Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Bipolar Disorder. Don't get me wrong, both disorders can be devastating to a relationship, but knowing which mental health disorder is the issue can be the difference between getting the proper treatment or not.

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and I appericate this enlighting post..For me it is the feel like being controled all the time or be manipulated into what people expect of me..But I have been abused before and did nothing to protect myself..I`m not a violent person I`m very shy to a point and then again back me in a corner ..I`m a scared rabbit..

I like to think of the difference between angry moods in Bipolar and Borderline as following.

Bipolar on a depressive cycle: Irritable. Everyone is crowding you. Your senses are dull. Sounds, colors, situations can "set you off". Basically because you are well, irritated. Ever had a tooth pulled? Did you just want to lash out at everyone because the constant numbness and pain associated with tooth-pulling? You don't know why you feel this way, just that you DO. It is not necessarily anyone else's fault, they are just easy targets to vent your irritated frustrations out on.

Bipolar on a manic cycle: Loss of Control[b]

Mania often includes fits of rage that seem to have no rhyme or reason. I also categorize this under extreme irritation. We all become upset over trivial and non-trivial things in life. The jerk that cuts us off while driving can result in a normal person experiencing road rage. Persons dealing with mania are consumed by it. And even the slightest "indiscretion" can turn a manic person from hyper to extremely agitated. Once again, it is lack of self control that causes these anger fits. Think of mania as multiplying your feelings by 100. If you are happy, you feel 100 times happy then you normally would. Anger and sadness are normal feelings that we all experience. Complicate them with a manic phase and it often spells disaster.

Borderline on a agitated phase: [b]Threatened.

They perceive everyone as hurting them and therefore are angry at them. They are physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to those closest to them. Black and white thinking. Anger often time turns into self mutilation. It is ultimately everyone else's vault. Their pain, is in their mind, a direct result of someone else's actions. It becomes justified anger. Purposefully intended to project their feelings on their victim.

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The main difference as stated is the association of anger. In Bipolar the underlining depressive mood leads to extreme irritation which leads to impulsive behavior. Often violating those who happen to be in the way. Like a train that is off it's tracks plowing into whomever happens to be in it's path. In borderline anger is inner rage caused by a insecurity or a false sense of abandonment. Like a wounded animal, they attack those that they perceive as a threat, most often those trying to help them.

Many times the outcome is the same. Friends, family, spouses, significant others, are often hurt by the bursts of anger

Very good information Mobo, as I read more it makes it easier to understand, and MAYBE easier to deal with, but it still poses a major roadblock to life. I really hope my hubby is still willing to go to the new doc tomorrow. I hope he doesn't change his mind. I'm not trying to invade this post with our problems, but it does relate and I have to ask questions... no offense to the poster. =)

Newbie to the group here and was just browsing all the topics both last night and again this morning. (consumed by them actually, LOL)

Mobo, thank you for that wonderfully insightful post...I NEEDED that this morning! It helps to know that these seemingly "crazy" reactions are perfectly "normal" symptoms of this disease/disorder I suffer from.

I’ve newly registered on this site. This is my first time commenting; however, I think I've read about every word on this site. Reading here is considerably more helpful than reading the medical pages on bipolar symptoms or medications. I’m grateful to all who’ve written, your honesty has helped me to begin to understand the day to day living with this disorder. Also, I appreciate the acknowledgment from most everyone that BP or not, we all come with “issues” and have had difficulties with life. I’ve talked myself into writing - I’ve been reticent about doing so, because of feeling as if I’m betraying a confidentiality, then laughed at myself - the beauty of this is no one knows who I am. I feel no shame in his BP, it’s just one of my issues - I hate feeling like a whiner. I believe I’ve come to a place where my empathy for him has turned to absolute confusion. My thinking was pitifully- wrong when my BP told me that he had "it" and I thought my part was to just accept it as a part loving of him. I've come to hate "it" and still haven't been able to wrap my mind around his mood swings and mean mouth, which by the way, he apparently doesn't even realize he's showing his ASS and talking nonsense when he says harsh and hurtful things. His response to my objections to being treated like shit stuck on his shoe is: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Maybe he just believes his thinking is "righteous" and he needs to "set me straight" blathering on about crap when he isn't even making sense. He’s damnably smart and quick witted and I agree there is no arguing with him, because he’s right. It angers me because it’s something that is normally a source of connection and humor between us, and BP has turned what once was a congenial sparing into some kind of ... weapon of dominance? Better than him badgering me with questions and only accepting black or white answers to shades of gray. (I really hate that!)

There is no choice to me, I will always love him and never turn my back to him. Not because I’m afraid he’d stab it, but because I couldn’t live with myself if I did. I’ve loved him in different ways for most of our lives even though we weren’t together, there has always been a part of me that waited and held on to him, heart to heart. The BP is just throwing a broom handle into the spokes or some ice water in my face? I have a very difficult time accepting that he can say hurtful things to me without retaining some kind of self-control. Most times I’m left breathless from the verbal slap across the face and then he’ll say something so ridiculous - I know he’s not thinking right.

I’m now waiting for him to come back to himself and me, to talk about the “boundaries” you all have been talking about. Still, I wonder how well this can work if it really is the BP talking? I’d guess that every person’s BP is unique to their own personality and I’ll “reach for the stars” as he tells me and hope for the best.

What I don’t understand is the assumption that infidelity is somehow understandable with BP. I guess that’s where the staunchest boundary will be set - there is no excuse for certain betrayals - personal boundaries. I will always love the person he can be, but if that is the person he chooses to be - it’s done.

And finally, the explanation by Mobo - rocks, you’ve giving me plenty to chew on - this has me so confused and I see his actions in just about every disorder’s symptoms. But isn’t it possible that some of these symptoms are more like bad behaviors being exhibited to some degree because they get away with acting that way? “I have a disorder, therefore, it’s the disorder not me.” Lack of responsibility for their behavior? What cha think?

Hi Ringo.

Welcome to the site. You're right, this is a MUCH better place to learn day to day living with someone who has Bipolar Disorder. This site, literally, saved me, when I was at my lowest. My wonderful wife of 20 years had become manic, delusional, paranoid, psychotic, grandiose, etc, after being basically stable throughout our marriage. And I was a MESS! Couldn't eat, or sleep and was actually becoming depressed myself. These great people here told me that I needed to take care of myself, and I did. Finally, after 6 hospitalizations, my wife stabilized, and things have returned to "normal" in out home.

You mentioned boundaries, and wondered how well they could work. I think the boundaries you set are more for what you will accept, more so than what you expect your from BP partner (BF, husband?). Maybe you could decide on some that you think are important to you and tell your partner about them, and leave it up to him as to whether he wants to respect them or not. If he does, great, if he doesn't, than you need to decide if this is what you want in life.

Infidelity has been an ongoing, hotly debated subject on this site since I joined. I don't think the assumption is that infidelity is understandable with BP disorder. But, and there are different opinions on this, I believe that infidelity is forgivable when the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder put someone in a delusional or psychotic state. Just having Bipolar Disorder should't be an excuse for innappropriate behavior, like verbal, emotional or physical abuse, or infidelity, or robbing banks. My wife and I had a wonderful relationship for 20 years, always faithful, caring and loving, even when she became a little manic after our 3rd child was born 15 years ago. But once she became deeply delusional last fall, she went on the run, staying in the best hotels, spending like a millionare, portraying me as abusive, demanding divorce, and was briefly unfaithful. But these are behaviors tht she NEVER came close to engaging in during the previous 20 years. I found it quite easy to forgive her, and she is deeply apologetic over what happened. But now our relationship has returned to the loving, faithful one it had been. Those are decisions we each need to make, if and when the time comes.

I agree with you when you say you can't turn your back on him and that you love him. It is the same with my wife Karen. I knew the wonderful person I had known for 20 years, and her family had known for 45 years, was still in there. I wouldn't believe she really wanted a divorce until I heard it from her when she was stable. And now that she is stable, that is the furthest thing from her, on my mind. My advise to you is to learn all you can about BP Disorder, maybe try some counseling with a counselor that has a good understanding of BP Disorder, spend some time on this site, ask questions, offer advise. None of us are "experts" but we do have lots of experience with living with someone with BP Disorder. There is also a Bipolar Support Group (amongst many others) at this site that has many great people who have become very important to me. They have given me a great understanding of the BP point of view. It really helped.

So, glad your here. Hope you stick around. Let us know how things are going, OK?

Paul