Bipolar in the family Support Group

I just wanted to get some feedback on my current situation. I been involved with my ex-wife for 4 months now and things seemed to be working in the right direction until about 2 weeks ago when I saw her start to enter another manic episode. For years I’ve always confronted her manic episodes with basically chasing her down from the start wanting answers. After 11 years I know the signs so this time I decided to basically withdrawal myself from it and let her go through her own cycle. She was fighting a custody case for her older daughters that ended about 2 weeks ago with me negotiating a stipulation between her and her ex instead of going to court scheduled for March 26th. I know this was a big weight lifted but I never imagined it would be an automatic trigger for mania but it basically started the jet engines within hours. I continued communicating for 2 more days but was watching her left turn before my eyes. All the tale, tale signs were appearing. Calling a past boyfriend, cutting off contact with me and spending money she doesn’t have.

I’ve had a hard time in the past dealing with un-manageables in my life because I always want answers and chasing a BP in manic episode for answers is asking for certain failure so this time I decided I would allow her to come to me rather than chase her down. It’s been about 11 days of no contact but today she emailed wanting to know what’s going on. She is so used to me chasing her that me not contacting her has thrown her for a loop. I’ve coped with this roller coaster ride by drinking, not every day, but enough to where it’s a problem. Before Thanksgiving I got a DUI which certainly has helped. I haven’t had a drink since it happened as my issue wasn’t with drinking all the time but when emotionally drained I used it as a crutch to deal with things.

I’m currently living with her but have been in another state for 30 days with family working on my own issues. I was all prepared to head home shortly but this whole situation has me thrown for a loop. My question to all of you is do I email her back explaining why I’ve withdrawn or do you think it’s too early. In the past she had plenty of fuel to spend on her mania but these days her manic tank runs dry in a hurry so I know she’ll come back down quickly and the email was a clear sign she’s being forced to return to reality. I think I did the right thing here by setting my boundaries firm and not jumping on the manic train ride. My 2 little boys are with the grandparents for 2 weeks and will be coming back this weekend. I and they being gone created all the ingredients for mania but like I said, reality is setting in that life will return to where she needs to be responsible again.

I knew trying to talk to her 10 days ago would be like talking to a brick wall and it wouldn’t help me at all so that’s why I refused to contact her just to hear things that made absolutely no sense. I really would like your thoughts on how to proceed based on your own experiences.

Thanks in advance!

It sounds like she's off her meds. If so, there's no talking to her. Nothing will make any sense to her.unfortunately,my experience with my daughter has been to let her go and do the crazy and irrational things she does when manic. Facing the consequences of her behavoir may make your wife more willing to get help the next time... my daughterlost custody of her children but she sees them on the weekends. I don't think she'll ever stop taking her meds again. This time the price was too high. It's such a tragic disease. Your wife has changed into a different person. I'd cut her off till she gets treatment. God bless you.

Used, you asked a pretty specific question. Do you email or explain why you have withdrawn.

It sounds like you have some knowledge of this disease. If you do, you will know that you cannot negotiate with bipolarity. Your loved one seems undiagnosed and unmedicated. If you are trying to play fancy footwork around her so that neither of you has to deal with her mental illness, I would tell you that you will regret such a course.

You speak of riding her manias, instead of her treating her disorder, which is backwards.

We BPSOs have ridden many manias, but those of use who have preserved our sanity seek to find a way for our loved ones to stop the manias.

If I recall from your postings awhile back, your ex does not take medication. If she does not/will not consider the option of medication and therapy, the roller coaster will not stop. You need to ask her what her plans are for controlling her disorder and proceed from there. Otherwise, you're just another enabler. I know this sounds harsh, but as someone with BP-II who has been stable for seven years, I can tell you from experience that things will not get better unless she makes a decision to fight for stability every day. It is a choice, but only she can make it for herself. Once she gives you an answer, you can decide how you want to deal with it.

This discussion was very helpful for me to read. I am in anquish every day about my so's (now ex) mania...but thanks for the reminder that until she wants to treat it...I am at an impass.

UsedandAbused, welcome I find the more you try to get answers and all during this time the more they run the other way. I think you taking a break and setting boundaries as you stated helps them more .

I notice when I go through my manic episodes that stressful situations are the cause of taking me from "stable-if you will" to full blown mania. My husband was taken back to court by his ex-wife and I went balistic! Ended up back in the hospital. My hubby decided to take a stand and didn't come see me while I was there. This situation sounds different than you setting boundaries, but I do have to let you know that when my husband didn't come see me the entire time I was at the hospital this last time I felt worse. I thought he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He didn't talk to me about what had happened, what caused my mania, nothing. I absolutely support you in setting boundaries and limitations but please discuss these boundaries, limitations, and even consequences of her actions before shutting her out completely. I'm glad she contacted you after several days but it was probably to see if you still cared about her more than anything else going on in your lives. Bipolar is a very complex disorder-which I'm sure you are WELL aware of-but I just beg you to proceed with caution. It's obvious you still care about her but right now she is having irrational thoughts and you caring about her is probably one of, if not the biggest fear she is having right now. Take care and keep us posted!

I agree about giving her boundaries and keeping the communication lines open. Is she diagnosed or on meds? Besides giving her encouragement and reassurance, there isn't much more you can do until she gets help for herself.

UsedandAbused:

If your ex-wife doesn't take meds, things will probably always be this way for you and for her. If you are divorced, why do you live with her? Who has custody of your two boys? How does her instability affect them? If she is manic or depressed and not on meds she isn't stable. She doesn't see things clearly - everything becomes distorted. Whether it lasts a day, a month or a year, there is only so many times that you and your kids are going to be able to deal with it. If you had a DUI recently, it doesn't sound like you are dealing with her or her instability in a positive way. I'm not trying to criticiize you for that - only to remind you that her unwillingness to treat her condition is taking its toll on you. That's not fair. You are an "ex" spouse. It isn't your job anymore to wait around for her to decide to come home. At this point, you probably feel used and abused because you are. You also need to accept that you are partly to blame because you are letting it happen.

You owe her no explanations by email, phone, letter or any other way. You have done nothing wrong. I think maybe you should start thinking about moving on with your life. Her other "ex" moved on. Why doesn't she have custody of her other children? You should start thinking about those things.

I will keep you in my prayers. Be well.

buhlir926

he's probably living with the "ex" to make sure the kids are okay until he can get custody - if that's what he is trying to do. wouldn't you want to make sure your kids were okay on a daily basis in this situation?

another reason he's sticking around is because he obviously still cares about his "ex". not everyone can forget about a loved one and move on that easily, especially when they are going through a difficult time. no matter what he will always love her because she is the mother of his children. there will always be a connection in that way.

everyone deals with things differently and this is the path used and abused has taken - respect that - don't criticize! he gets that enough from the "ex" he doesn't need it from people here on this site too!