Bipolar in the family Support Group

Hi,

I am new to this group and I need some help to understand what is going on with my girlfriend.

I am Italian but been living in San Diego for the last 5 years. I`ve been in a relationship for 3 and half years with a beautiful very intelling young woman (she is almost 26, and I am 38!). On may 27 she decided to break up with me because she needed to follow her dreams and was scared of being in a relationship with me. Everything started in last January when she was feeling very stressed. She overwhelmed herself (she`s always been like that!) with a super busy schedule.. She was taking 4 classes for her master`s program, teaching 20 hours a week in 2 different universities and then decided to buy a bike ($1200 bike!) to bike for the Leukimia Society. She started raising money and training but quit after 3 weeks because was too much. Then she is started another project, remodeling the garden that we had. She spent hours outside doing a lot of work. But after a while she let everingthing go. At one point I suggested her to see our family doctor who diagnosed her with major depression but she refused to take any medication. Then she started seeing a therapist. For 3 months she was very depressed and wouldn`t go out with friends or anything. She was still stressed with school trying to finish everything ( she graduate in May) and spent hours on the computer. Her life became our bedroom and the computer. She stopped doing any work around the house (the house was a total mess! she used to leave stuff everywhere!) and she started looking for jobs abroad. She said she wanted to move from San Diego but every day she was coming up with a different exotic destination... Japan, China, Korea, Marshall Islands, Africa... She started complaining beacuse she thought I didn`t want to move with her! She became every day more difficult.. At times she was super active and iper and then sad and super tired. She spent many days sleeping but also many days, especially at the end, sleeping less.. At the begining of May, one day she came home after seeing her therapist saying that we should have separated for a while because she wanted to know if I were the right one for her and needed to take care of some issues that she had. She said that her therapist suggested it. She cried a lot and then moved out to her parents house for a few days. Then she came back and told me that she missed me and that she loved me so much. For a week everything seemed fine and she applied for a job in Korea. I agreed, if she got the job to go and see her for xmas and then in February. Everything seemed fine. But in the middle of May she was hospitalized because they thought she had appendicitis. She was in the hospital for 3 days and she wanted me there to spend the night (she called her angel and the best man in the planet!). A week later she graduated and the day of the graduation she was distant and said that she needed to follow her dreams.. We had an argument over this but then went to dinner and everything seemed fine. 4 days later I came home and she said she would move out and need to do this. She said she love me so much but was ready to be in a relationship (we have been in a relationship for 3 and half years!!!).. Also said that she needed to go and follow her dreams.. "I need to live my life"..

We agreed to see each other a week later.. I tried to call her in the meantime and she became very aggressive and mean. She did everything so fast... Moved out stuff, close joint accounts etc.. A week later I left for Italy and we kept in touch but anytime that I was sending her a romantic text message or an email she would get mad and mean. Well, after she moved out she went to SF for 10 days then LA, then back home for 3 days, then went hiking (with no training) the JMT Trail in Mt. Withney, and then this week end she will go to Iowa for a cross-state bike ride. She also has something else planned when she comes back. I tried to contact her best friend and her brother and sister to talk about her but they ending up not calling me back and telling her that I was calling.. On July 2 she sent me a harsh email saying that I should stop contacting her so often otherwise she would cut off communication for a few months.. I talked to my therapist and he said that this sounds like a manic episodes.. Her sister has bipolar and her aunt cronic depression.. Everything started with her major depression and now she seems happy and iper active.. "Things go really well" She wrote! Does this sound as Bipolar Disorder? Please help since I talked to her parents about it but they seem in denial. I havent talked to her since that last email on July 2 and don`t know what to do and expect.. Please advice!

Thanks,

Vicenza70

Sounds like it to me, but Im no doctor, and unless she agrees to see one and TAKE HER MEDS, she wont get any better.

Thanks ThisBlows!

I told her parents that I am worried and they are too. I also saw our family doctor who is my girlfriend`s dad best friend (her dad is a doctor too) and he knows her very well and was the one who diagnosed her with Major Depression in Feb. He also said that it sounds like BP and since her sister has BP if said that I would talk to her dad and try to do something. This happend on Friday and since then I tried to contact her parents but the haven`t returned my calls. I love her so much and I am honestly worried about her. I am so confused and this is so hard. She left me in a limbo and it is difficult to be patience and not able to do anything.

Thanks for your support.

From what you have shared, I do believe your friend has some symptoms of bipolar, especially in addition to the fact that her aunt and sister have bipolar. Her episodes do sound very manic. The issue with adult diagnosis bipolar is that they have to accept they have a problem and choose to get help. I am not a physician and do attempt to in any way, shape or form diagnose bipolar. I do believe based on what you have shared and what I experience on a daily basis that she does have symptoms. She should really get in to see someone since bipolar symptoms can be mixed with other behavior and/or mood disorders. You are not imagining the chaos you are experiencing and I do hope that you can persuade your friend to seek help. She is on a very destructive path and the manic episodes have a tendency to include memory loss. She truly may not remember all the things she's doing at this point. Not sure why her sister and aunt won't speak with you because I'm sure they are aware of many of the things that are going on since they have it, too. I wish you much success in helping her.

Thanks VercellWhite!

It is very difficult for me since I don`t know what to do and how to get her to see a doctor. I dont know what happened to the psychologist that she was seeing. Right now she is on these trips and all my attempts to talk to her friends and family did not get me anywhere. Do you know how I can approach her about this? I havent talked to her in 2 weeks since she asked for some space and privacy (and she did this not in a nice way). When I talked to her it seems like she is a different "persona" and everything that I say it is wrong! I love her so much and I care for her a lot! I pray every day and try to stay present and positive. Somehow I know that something good will happen.

Thanks

Vicenza,

It is very hard when you care so much about someone and see them doing potentially harmful and self-destructive things to themselves, you and their family.

I've spent the last 6 years in a relationship with BP man, and still care very much about him, but have come to the conclusion that my caring for him is wrecking me. He was hospitalized a couple weeks ago, and I was beside myself with fear and worry and helplessness. And in the end, he barely acknowledged how hard it must have been for me.

He continued making poor decisions, didn't come home when it would have been prudent to do so, ran out of money, didn't keep in contact, etc. It was hard, but I realized that it doesn't matter how much I care about him -- I can't fix him. He has to do it himself. He has to take responsibility for himself. You can't do it for your girlfriend, and you sound like you have the potential to kill yourself trying.

I've reached the point where I have to disconnect, disengage and move on. You might not be there yet, or may never get there, but you'll do yourself a big favor if you step back and let your girlfriend run her own life. She's got to make the decisions and live with the consequences of her decisions. You can't help her if she doesn't want help, and you can't tear yourself up waiting for her to pull herself together.

Best of luck,

Rebecca