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02/13/2010 08:52 PM

Needing to vent....HELP!

Posts: 12
New Member

So....I am so very sorry to unleash this on all of you, but I really need to vent.

It's been a terribly rough couple of weeks with my husband. I really think I may lose my mind.

He has paranoia issues which pairs great with his bipolar. His job is what causes the most paranoia. He has spoken to his group leader and his plant manager and they have both told him he is doing a good job-he thinks he isn't and that they are sabbatoging him. Anything said about anybody at his work within his earshot he assumes they are talking about him-no matter what. I struggle with this a lot. You see, my dad works in the same department as him and has nothing but praise for my hard-working husband. My dad says he hasn't heard or seen anything bad. My dad knows about hubby's issues and would tell me the truth without sugar-coating it. My husband runs a computerized machine and swears that someone is screwing with his programs behind his back-yet no one has been seen or caught. His bosses, my dad, and myself cannot convince him otherwise.

He is seriously confusing reality with fantasy. I am ready to throw in the towel. He is twisting even a conversation me and my parents had at dinner on Thursday night. He was there, hardly said 2 words the whole time. Then, he assumed we were all talking about him in some sort of code instead of just being blunt with him. We freakin talked about childbirth and some of my mom's employees (she is a sewing supervisor). I mean, how the hell does any of that relate to him and his paranoid work issues? I tried convincing him that what we were talking about was the honest to God subject-absolutely no hidden meanings, how the hell could he think that? Then to top it off, he is still convinced that I am not giving him the whole truth, and that our conversation was about him.

I am deeply hurt by his assumptions that everyone is out to get him-now including myself. I have stuck by his side through everything and always been honest with him. I don't lie to him-I think it creates more issues along the way and I am a firm believer that honesty and trust are the foundation in a marriage.

How can I deal with this? He is sending me over the edge! I really don't know how long I can let this go on...for my sanity and for my 3-yr-old. He was put on a different med about 6 wks ago and goes back to see his psychiatrist on Feb 17th and he is going to tell him it needs changed. He senses the changes since the meds changed, but cannot admit that he creates his own 'reality', or at least that his perspective is a little skewed. To him, his perspective is the absolute truth and no matter what you have to back up the actual truth, he cannot be swayed.

Any suggestions would be helpful. I just don't know what to do, or how much longer I can hang in and try to deal. I do love him but I hate his disease-it is ruining us and right now the cons against staying are outweighing the pros to staying. I know that he didn't ask for this, but would it be selfish to say that neither did me or my son?

I just don't know anymore if it's worth it.

Sorry so long and thanks for listening.


02/13/2010 09:04 PM
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

Lovechild , Is this something recent that he has been like this ? I was going to ask that maybe he needed or you needed to speak with his doc about these changes if they were.

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 02/13/2010 09:05 PM

02/13/2010 09:22 PM
Posts: 277

Sounds like he is having a reaction to his meds. Getting him to the Dr and advising them is a great start. Mine also rewrote our history and the present moment.He believed that people were watching him all the time! I did not completly understand at the time, but this is when he was psychotic. It is unfortunately one of those things that come with BP.

I would try not to rationalise with him, its only going to cause you hurt and you will not be able to convince him otherwise. While he is at the Dr maybe you could get some advise on how to best deal with this situation.

02/13/2010 09:53 PM
Posts: 11540
Group Leader

Do you two have the kind of relationship that allows you to call his doc without him knowing? Is there anyone whose opinion he would trust while in this state? I agree with ennray, this sounds like his meds are tripping him. It does happen. Paranoia is indeed part of BP but this sounds extreme. I don't know if this will work for you, but when my husband is mid-episode (or just having a bad day, which can get really bad for BP folks), I listen to him (but not endlessly). I do try to point out where his thinking is disordered. I do insist that he not yell (not so successful at this). And I say in a reasonable voice several times "You are not thinking clearly" or "You are not being rational." I don't interact with the crazy stuff he says, I just keep telling him (calmly) that I don't think he is thinking clearly. If he says something reasonable, I will say "Now what you said about the commute is totally reasonable" or some such, to try to distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable. I also insist on some boundaries. He cannot eat into my work obligations or my sleep time. When he starts doing that, I get firmer, and tell him that his behavior is not acceptable or abusive. If he refuses to see his therapist, I have been known to tell him that he will have to leave the house--but I will freeze all the credit and bank cards.

We don't have young kids (his son, my step-son is in college and lives with his rich mom when not in school), but I can imagine that you need to focus much more on how this affects the child than you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope the Feb 17 visit helps correct this. In the future, you know you can always call his doc even if he will get steaming mad. No doctor who is decent will abuse this confidence and the best ones will find some reason to call their patient and have a long chat.

02/14/2010 03:10 AM
Posts: 1217
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Lovechild - this is a man who is ill. I can understand why it is putting you over the edge; but you need to understand he can't help the way he is feeling. The fears, anxiety, it is all very very real to him. If you have never suffered from any of this for any reason, it is hard to relate to. I don't have BP but had severe Graves disease years ago, and some of its symptoms mimic BP. For only this reason it is the closest I can come to understanding. As little of a view I had of it, I can tell you it is frightening.

You cannot reason/argue with someone in this state, and safer if you do not. You can listen and express your understanding of his fears, but to push too hard to convince otherwise is not advisable. I wouldn't play into it, but listen and gently reassure him. It is critical his doctor is made aware of the situation either by going with him or getting a letter to the doctor prior to his appointment. My husband has gone through this several times and it can escalate. Accompanying this type of situation can even be auditory hallucinations. I am not saying he has any, but again if he is he may not recognize them for what they are, or share them with you. A proper change in meds may reduce this greatly, if not completely.

Try to keep a log of things that are happening, this will help you to discuss what is happening with the doctor. There are many things that can happen when in an episode. Some can even be med induced. Hang in there, I know it is challenging. If you haven't already, I recommend the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar". It provides great insight to what is happening, offers advice on how to interact, when to contact doctors, different symptoms etc...

Please let us know how it goes on the 17th.

02/14/2010 11:49 AM
damselndistressPosts: 17408
VIP Member

My husband does this but it always passes.

He has accused that family holiday get together's mostly on my side are conspiracies especially if I'm not sure of the time we are supposed to be there that sets him off and he automatically thinks we're hiding something big.

Also he has gotten pretty big paranoid ideas at work too. They seem to always pass though but it has been a bit frightening to watch him stressing over take over plots etc etc and since I don't know all the information it's very hard to know how much he is making up in his own mind.

Like I said though these things always pass-I hope it does for your husband too.


02/14/2010 12:01 PM
Posts: 12
New Member

I do plan on contacting his psychiatrist either by a letter or a phone call and I think my husband will be very open to this-he has been so far.

02/14/2010 12:03 PM
Posts: 12
New Member

Thank you. I do plan on called his doc or getting a letter to him. He has a great psychiatrist-one of the best known in our area.

02/14/2010 12:08 PM
Posts: 12
New Member

I do know that he is ill. I know that all this is because of his illness and I blame it, not him. It's just so hard. It's hard to explain to my 3-yr-old why mommy is crying. I am trying to do what's best for my little boy because he is the star of my world and right now I feel trapped in a place that has no good outcome. My husband needs me, and also I need him. But I don't know if those needs come before what may be best for my son-I really don't think they should. But then, what is best for my son? Separating from his father, or bringing him up in a home that at times can seem like a hell house (which it's not this way all the time)? I just don't know and I know that no one can answer this for me.

02/14/2010 01:00 PM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Lovechild: Do you know which meds he is currently on?

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