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01/18/2010 11:21 PM

Am i going nuts too?????

curwoodgal
 
Posts: 29
Member

OMG i am sooo freaked out tonight i just don't know what to do some days. ofcourse like usual i will do nothing and tomorrow it will all be fine again until the other shoe drops again. I know all of you live the same way i do and i love knowing i am not alone but i still feel sooooo very alone tonightSad My hubby is mad at me cuz a few months ago he was on a drinking binge for a month and he got drunk and tried to call my work and get me in trouble and i told him not to he spit in my face and i reacted by slapping him in the face(not hard at all more like a quit that wake up kinda slap) and then he head butted me and broke my nose and then called 911 himself but was going to get me thrown in jail for slapping him when he spit on me first. Anyways he went to jail and i thought i would never take him back but he promised to quit drinking. whatever! he has slowly over the weeks drink a beer here, a beer there, have his friends over who drink and he has the nerve to be mad at me cuz he has to stop drinking to keep his family. he takes meds he isn't suppose to drink and he does and he hurt me physically and emotionally for 14 years and i am so trying so very hard but his new thing is telling me i'm nuts, i need counselling and all his friends think i am the problem not him. they don't live w/him although they are always over all day long and i am hurt and mad and i want to be nice but he is blaming me for everything. i am the reason he is on meds cuz i made him nuts and i am the real person who is nuts and i need help not him and god help me cuz i believe him some days. I love him so much but i hate his bp soo much it is draining me and i know when a mood is coming on and noone else sees it all his friends don't see it its all me please pray for me and everyone who is lost in bp love. Please can anyone tell me how to not have so much anger in my voice when i speak to him i know he will lie and change it around and make it all my fault and don't want to be this person anymore everyone hates me he says and hates my attitude and i am soo alone i am me at work but at home i am trapped and i don't want out i just want it better. thanks for listening
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01/19/2010 07:18 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16980
VIP Member

We have to try to detach as much emotionally from these situations as possible to survive.

I do think counseling for yourself is a good idea and for him too if he'll go with you.

I don't blame you for not being happy in that situation, I know I wouldn't be.

I know it's tough when they have that kind of support around making them think they are okay.

You may have to distance yourself some and be as independent as you can so you don't feel bound by the situation.

I would probably try to get out of there and do other things and not be around the drinking and friends, personally I would put my foot down and not have that happening in my house but if you know that won't work maybe you can just create your own space in your house, a tv in the bedroom? and stay away from them.

Maybe he'll miss your company and ask them to leave so you two can spend some time together.

Damsel


01/19/2010 09:19 AM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

curwoodgal , Please not this of course is not your fault . He is on meds because of his illness period . For him it is easier to blame someone else rather then to look at himself . Although yes you may need counseling but it is to help deal with him and your feelings .I know how you feel on the drinking part . my bf and a lot of his family are alcoholics . they would come over and spend hours at my bf house drinking . Luckily he has moved and not so close to come to his house anymore .

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 01/19/2010 09:21 AM


01/19/2010 09:26 AM
tinlizzy
Posts: 2379
Senior Member

curwoodgal,

Although I personally wouldn't use the term "nuts" to describe being in a depressed state, I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do. Beth commented on Warhorses thread about situational depression and it is very possible that is what is going on with you.

I would strongly suggest you see a therapist to help you sort through your feelings to decide which are logical and which are distorted thinking processes as a result of bearing the brunt of his blame and anger. If during your therapy you also learn about him GREAT but right now YOU are the one that matters the most because YOU are the one living your life.

Liz


01/19/2010 02:34 PM
alittlestuck
 
Posts: 144
Member

Curwoodgal - I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know it can really screw with your rationale of things. My bf can be very manipulative in arguments to the point where I start doubting myself even though I may not have done anything wrong. It doesn't appear as though he's showing you any respect though and bp or not, you deserve to be respected. The fact that he's phsyically abusive (sounds like it's happened before) should not be acceptable by you for ANY reason. I know you obviously love him and have spent time and energy into your relationship but I don't understand why you don't see abuse as a reason that you need to leave. Even if you don't think that he would ever take your life, he's taken part of your spirit, self-pride, dignity, and that's not something to take lightly.

Please know you have a great support system here and I hope that you have some type of support from those around you - your friends, family, etc.


01/19/2010 02:42 PM
broken33
broken33  
Posts: 393
Member

The violence concerns me. Do you have family/friends near by to turn to. BP & Alcohol do not mix, my ex is both and it ruined our relationship. Please do what you can to protect yourself physically and emotionally.

01/19/2010 06:43 PM
LauraElle
 
Posts: 20
New Member

Curwoodgal - when you said,

"Please can anyone tell me how to not have so much anger in my voice when i speak to him i know he will lie and change it around and make it all my fault"

This happens to me on a daily basis. My husband is the MASTER at changing things around to be MY fault. I have simply stopped reacting and chanting to myself that it's his illness speaking, he is sick and doesn't mean it. HOWEVER, violence is never the answer from you or him. I have been known to slap my husband at times because I have reached my limit (not good) - Fortunately he has never been violent but your husband doesn't sound like he is that way. It sounds like he could snap. You need to be very careful. Just remember it is not your fault. It is not your illness to own. He is the one who has the problem, he either needs to manage it and be a functional human being, or you need to get out of there.


01/19/2010 07:14 PM
Mary2009
Mary2009  
Posts: 685
Member

I think the hardest thing my therapist had me face the mental and emotional abuse that I endured in my marriage. He could always out talk me and make me believe his reality. I eventually stopped trying to defend myself and just accepted it. It does not matter how or why it happened, no excuses for myself or him. Therapy and this site has helped me a lot. A local support group for Depression and Bipolar had also helped. I went for myself because my situation has left me depressed but it helped being with people who understood Bipolar Disorder. I am on an anti-depressant and it is helping. I am working on become well. My husband is not. It breaks my heart every day but it won't stop me from taking care of my own health, both mentally and physically. I'm down 35 pounds since he left. The first 20 were just out of not being able to keep food down after he left. The next 15 are me eating less and getting a little more active.

When I first came here and was told, just take care of yourself, I didn't want to. I wanted to save my husband. I did start to take care of myself even though I didn't want to and found out that it was what I needed more than anything else. I have accepted that I can't save my husband although I wish I could.

You aren't alone. Hang in there.

Post edited by: Mary2009, at: 01/19/2010 07:15 PM


01/23/2010 12:13 PM
curwoodgal
 
Posts: 29
Member

thank you all so much i so needed to vent today is a better day and although i loathe the roller coaster i soooo love good days and i feel really bad by hubby has such scars from childhood cuz they affect my life i can't do this or do that cuz whatever happened in the past scarred him so much it reminds him of that which is not my fault but also no help for a solution either. he is in counselling when we can afford it and as soon as i can i will be too but because of dealing w/him i have been through a lot in my life and everyone says "u r so strong idk how u do it?" and i guess i must be but u get tired u know always be the sane one the safe parent the not mental one that u feel all u do is live around them and i do need to do my own thing i tried the hiding in a different room to show him how much i didn't like the behavior and well that turned out badly, ie the jail thing, so i try and try to be patient w/o ever giving him ultimatums cuz he hates those but i do think since i had a restraining order on him after jail he realized he was wrong and he is trying and i want him to be all better and i have to accept there will be lapses and bad days everyone has em i just get all gun shy lol that is the start of a cycle and sit and wait for the gun to go off lol! i mean metaphorically ofcourse! thanks for all your support u all help so very much!!!
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