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06/29/2008 02:28 PM

Help me Recover

gatank
Posts: 77
Member

My original thread:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums/ introductions-personal-stories/69593-need-to-vent

So I was in a relationship with a guy for five years. He was an undiagnoised and untreated bipolar. He started seeing a psychiatrist a month ago finally. The thing is that he had been saying he would do that for about a year. So I let him basically 'torture' me through that year and I am having such a hard time getting over it. I mean when he loved me, it was better than anything I have ever had. The connection that we had when we first met was more than I had ever had (before he was injured which seemed to spur his depression and then everything else started). He left me a few days before my birthday for a girl he met in a bar. But I just keep thinking how many chances I gave him (like after cheating with a high schooler) and how much I did for him (helping him pay bills, convincing his friends to celebrate his birthday with him). I started therapy, where I learned I was emotionally abused by him. It is bad though because I have cut back on therapy recently because my work schedule has been so hectic. I don't want to loose my job over this! But I am just so depressed. He left me four months ago and I feel like I will never get over it. I am sitting here crying about it now. I try to date other people and I am terrified that they will put me through the same things so I can't even go past one date. But then that just makes me mad that I am terrified to date and I know that I am walking on eggshells still because so much would get him so angry the last few months we were together.

All of this and I know I still want this man back (so give me the truth). I am aching right now because I feel like we have so much unfinished business and he is finally seeing a doctor so I feel like we can have what we had to begin with. I talk to people we were mutually friends with and they will complain about his behavior and say how much better I can do, and I just hate to tell them I can't seem to move on! He didn't need time to move on. Still I don't want him out of my life. I try to cut him out, and I just find myself worrying about him still. I talked to him the other day for the first time in months and it felt so good because we talked for like 3 hours about everything and I felt like I might actually be getting him back. He knows his medications are not right but he is not sure of the exact diagnoisis.

I am having such a hard time getting over everything that he put me through. Logically, I know he treated me wrong and I shouldn't want him back. Even if he never comes back, I want to know he realizes what he has put me through. I want an apology.

Things have not been like this for me before and I just feel like such a different person. I want to get over him. I apologize for so many things that I do to others. I always expect someone to get mad at me. I want to stop walking on eggshells with everyone else. I want to know how to deal with him and how to turn him off in my life. I don't want to have to go to a therapist every week!

Is there anyone on here who is out of their relationship?

I just really need a good place to vent with people who have been there. Please don't criticize me too much though. It is still hard for me to take criticism because I put up with it for so long. I know I need to just cut him out and get over him but I really don't know how to do that.

Thanks for listening.

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06/29/2008 03:58 PM
TerriTee
TerriTee  
Posts: 3989
VIP Member

Hello, Gatank.

I am so glad that you are trying to move forward. It sounds like you could use some friends, and I hope we can be of help. It must have been a rough 5 years. It's great that you are getting counseling - I am sure that must help with all you have to deal with. If you want to talk or vent, we're here.

(((((HUGS)))))

Terri


06/29/2008 04:35 PM
gatank
Posts: 77
Member

Yeah, I could use some friends now that really understand. Honestly, my friends have been great (even friends that were really his when we met have been great to me). The thing is that he had me convinced that it wasn't right to talk about all of this, so a lot of my friends never actually knew what was going on. They just remember how I talked to begin with because everything was so great. His friends have been super supportive and complain about the way he has been treating people. They tell me how much of an idiot he is and they keep telling me I am so much better off and then they tell me why. I feel like they understand a little more because they were around them. He completely cut my friends out of his/our life. I mean people who were his friends when I met him are really more friends with me now. Even his parents said I am better off without him. I just want that to sink in! I just totally believed him when he said how close we were and how much he trusted me and everything so it just still feels like half of me is missing. I watched this wonderful person just slip away and become more and more wrapped up in these weird behaviors and snapping at everyone who was good to him in life. I couldn't do anything. His problems with work or anything or always someone else's fault. If you pointed out any of these behaviors to him, usually he would say they were crazy or stupid or he had just changed like everyone does. Of course, I had hope when he would actually say there was something wrong with him and that he should do something about it. Sometimes, hope can be a horrible thing and I feel like I still have hope in him getting treated and being who he used to be so moving on is so hard.

06/30/2008 05:31 AM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Gatank: I've read your story. "I want to know how to deal with him and how to turn him off in my life."

My first suggestion would be to move and leave no forwarding address. If this isn't possible, then change the locks, don't answer the door, and change your phone numbers to unlisted ones.

This will not stop until you decide to end it, simple as that. There is no 'dealing' with him until he is medicated and stable. You've already thrown five years down the drain. How much more of your life are you willing to give? Go back and reread your posts. The only thing that makes me cry is that you can't seem to move on.


06/30/2008 05:57 AM
gatank
Posts: 77
Member

I know. It makes it hard to move on because I put up with the things he said about me for so long that I truly think I believe them now. I always listened to him when he was so depressed and i think that really kind of tainted how I see things too. I used to be so optimistic about life before I met him but not anymore.

Post edited by: gatank, at: 06/30/2008 06:00


06/30/2008 06:12 AM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

I'm sorry, hon, but ya gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if it means more therapy. Life CAN get better for you. You deserve better.

06/30/2008 07:53 AM
heatherr
heatherr  
Posts: 395
Member

Someone here said something once that really hit me hard and made sense. They said something like "better to have temporary misery by getting over it than have a lifetime of misery staying". Take one day at a time, it will get easier.

06/30/2008 08:09 AM
fisforflute356
fisforflute356  
Posts: 35
Member

I hope you understand that the things he did to you may not necessarily have been intentional, considering all of the imbalances going on inside of his head. You need to understand this to forgive him. He is only human, and with a serious disorder to boot. Once you have forgiven him you can move on. But I would not recommend returning to him... it has hurt you so much, can you honestly say that you can trust him fully? Can you completely FORGET all of the ways he hurt you and abused you? You don't want to enter back into a relationship with him because it will be a constant reminder of the past, and how will you get over the past if he's taking you out on dates? And if (as I am guessing) you say "No, I can't trust him" then you have to do what the other person said- cut off contact. It's easier to get over somebody if you don't talk to them... then you aren't tempted. You are only hurting yourself if you keep talking to him. I can read the anxiety and confusion in your text. Even now, when you are broken up he is causing you pain. You can't return to him. Who is to say that he will continue with medication and therapy? And if he goes off... it's the same thing all over again. Just stay strong.

07/01/2008 03:45 AM
gatank
Posts: 77
Member

Yeah it has been much easier when I have not been in contact with him. I talked to him the other day after a month and it was weird. The thing is though that I know that it is a chemical imbalance. I always used that as an excuse for his behavior though, so that is what makes it so hard. I just feel so defeated. I can be successful in my career and in other areas but there was nothing that I could do to help him. I just watched him slip away. I am still scared for him now because it seems like this time has been really bad and I know if he is like he always is he will be sinking into a depression in the next few months. I sacrificed years of my life to try to help him and it just never seemed to work. I just feel kind of empty because I have never worked so hard at something to get nothing in return. The thing is that I know what I would be in for with him and I still think that I could forgive him. I just don't want to destroy myself in the process of trying to help him. I don't want to always have to carry these lessons with me either.

07/02/2008 01:42 PM
NewDayDawning
NewDayDawningPosts: 170
Member

My story is very similar to yours, except I was at it for 20 years, not just 5. Here's my advice, for what it's worth.

You can't really forgive someone who isn't sorry. All you can do is move on and do your best to let go. Stop communicating with him. Find some new activities and people to occupy your time and thoughts. Pursue things that make you happy. Don't make excuses for him. Give yourself time. It may take a long time before you really feel like you can date again, and risk trusting someone again with your heart.

Best wishes to you.

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